I really don’t like to watch depressing movies, even for a good cause. But Ebert promised that it was uplifting. But here, read his words that convinced even me:

“Moolaade” is the kind of film that can only be made by a director whose heart is in harmony with his mind. It is a film of politics and anger, and also a film of beauty, humor, and a deep affection for human nature. Usually films about controversial issues are tilted too far toward rage or tear-jerking. Ousmane Sembene, who made this film when he was 81, must have lived enough, suffered enough and laughed enough to find the wisdom of age.

It has it’s sad moments, but I liked it. I think you can watch it without fear. Do it for your girls; all the women and girls you love. Do it in affirmation of women’s right to pleasure. Do it in honor of courageous souls and to honor and increase your own soul’s courage.

In the last few days, something about honesty, something about not fooling each other, and the line, “lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.” from this poem by William Stafford have been popping into my head: 

If you don’t know the kind of person I am
and I don’t know the kind of person you are
a pattern that others made may prevail in the world
and following the wrong god home we may miss our star.

For there is many a small betrayal in the mind,
a shrug that lets the fragile sequence break
sending with shouts the horrible errors of childhood
storming out to play through the broken dyke.

And as elephants parade holding each elephant’s tail,
but if one wanders the circus won’t find the park,
I call it cruel and maybe the root of all cruelty
to know what occurs but not recognize the fact.

And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy,
a remote important region in all who talk:
though we could fool each other, we should consider—
lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark.

For it is important that awake people be awake,
or a breaking line may discourage them back to sleep;
the signals we give—yes or no, or maybe—
should be clear: the darkness around us is deep.

There is someone in my life who I feel like telling: Just come out with it! “the signals we give–yes or no, or maybe– should be clear.”

Where do you need to communicate more clearly in your life? I want to communicate more clearly. There is also the truth that “Freedom is the right not to have to lie.” (Camus) And I don’t expect anyone to tell the truth when it would be too damaging to them in some way. So, I also aknowlege my own part as a truth receiver and want to give people enough freedom that they can dare to tell me the truth.

I think that has been a big issue for me in relationships and maybe it would help if I let go of expectations and prepare myself to accept whatever they tell me. Ach lieben! I also want to be independent enough that I can dare to tell the truth. 

Writing about truth telling reminds me how grateful I am that when I had an existential crisis this summer, no one I talked to shrugged. No one gave me pat answers.  The people I talked to were honest and exquisitely real with me.  I am deeply grateful for that.

I went from being valued at work and getting good reviews (while my old boss was here) to being disapproved of, undervalued, and feeling bad enough about it to quit. At church, I went from feeling like a part of a loving community to leaving due to actions of our lead minister and staff. Many other young adults left as well, and I left, no one kicked me out, but I still feel rejected/ejected. Also, there has been some kind of shift in my social circle and I feel like I am on the edge in some ways instead of in the middle where I like to be.

Today on the bus I imagined how I would feel if everybody approved of me. It would be such a nice feeling- I could relax and just be myself. I really take how much/many people approve of me as a measure of how well I’m doing as a person sometimes. I thought about it as I was walking from the bus to work, and I couldn’t shake the idea that if more people approved of me, it would mean that I really am better, I really am more ok.

Then I thought of my aunt, who I am a lot alike, and how much I enjoy her, how fantastic I think she is. My other aunt, her sister, often disapproves of her. She thinks she is too messy, too soft, not together enough etc… And when my aunt is around her sister, she does suddenly seem kind of bumbling, somewhat simpering, and whiny. But when I’m with her, she is hilarious, exuberant, smart, interesting, funny, and gorgeous. She is messy, but she is glorious, who cares!

I love both my aunts, and from the outside it is easy to see that my aunt who disapproves is just that way and that her disapproval is all about her preferences and ways of looking at the world. She is cleaner, more direct, more of the things we think of as “together” in our society. So? That’s her deal. My roommate has a similar personality to that aunt and I don’t disapprove of her, but I think she disapproves of me. I’ve been trying to get her approval, and I’m going to try to stop trying. It’s easier to see, looking at the mirror of my aunts, how any disapproval she feels for me is her own deal. It doesn’t mean I’m bad, and if I got her approval, it wouldn’t mean I’d be any better.

I have been disapproving of me lately. Aye, maybe thar’s the rub. Goal for today: list a few things I would feel proud of myself for, and do them.

12/12/07 Update: I have been feeling guilty for writing that my aunt disaproves of my other aunt and that my roommate disaproves of me. Maybe they don’t! guilty, guilty, guilty…arggh… just remember, reality is multi-faceted and it changes, and… did I mention that I like my other aunt and my roommate, and it says more about my state of mind than any objective truth about them, but I think you got that.

My friend forwarded me a chain email titled:

TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.

My other friend waited until last night and sent this:

I just went trick–or-treating with my nieces and I think SEX is BETTER!

If you are feeling like a loser, I recommend: Sideways. People taste wine in this movie, which sounds about as exciting as playing golf to me. That, and lukewarm reviews from friends is why I never watched it. But, I was feeling sick, asked for a comedy, and took what the library guy gave me. It was good. I cried at one point when the main character described wine. You’ll see. I only laughed once, but it was a good laugh. Mostly, I cried.

For other Movies To Watch When You Feel Like A Loser, you only need to watch the movie ads at the beginning of Sideways! They include:
Garden State: For when you are feeling like a young loser.
Napoleon Dynamite: For when you want to feel jovial about being a loser and look back on your younger days of being a loser and decide that being a loser might actually have been cool.
(The ultimate feel good loser movie, of course, is Little Miss Sunshine.)

However, if you are not feeling jovial about being a loser and are feeling like an old, rather than young loser, I still recommend Sideways. It’s middle aged loser with a hint of redwood, maybe some asparagus, with a slight taste of sunshine, a note of desperation, …

So, I work with a cool girl who is a temp and thus gets all the crappy jobs. We started calling her the red-headed step child, but of course, we are all red-headed step children in one way or another, so now we are all the red-headed step children. Red Headed Step Children Unite! Is our lunch club motto, and “Where’s my stapler.” is one of our many inside jokes.

Today I didn’t have lunch, and get my once a day belly laugh, with my girls; my stupid friend who I can never count on so I don’t know why I thought he would come through today didn’t come through which reminded me that I am really all alone in this cold, cold world; and everyone flaked out on 80’s night tonight. My new roommate and I went to see Little Miss Sunshine instead, and all I can say about it, because I don’t like to tell people anything about movies because I am almost fanatical about not hearing anything about movies before I go, is:
If you are or were ever actually or metaphorically a red headed step child, I think you will like this movie.

Oh my gosh I want to tell you all about it! Hurry and go see it so we can talk about it!!!

Ps: I actually was a red-headed step child.

Some movies I might want to see

1. Isn’t this a Time?
2. Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story (R)
3. Bubble (R)
4. Cape of Good Hope (PG-13)
5. Christmas in the Clouds (PG)
6. Eight Below (PG)
7. The Family Stone (PG-13)
8. Last Holiday (PG-13)
9. Munich (R)
10. The New World (PG-13)
11. The Producers
    

Movies I certainly want to see

1. The Real Dirt on Farmer John (Not rated)
2. Syriana (R)
3. Transamerica (R)
4. Something New (PG 13)

Movies I have seen
This year I most highly recommend Brokeback Mountain. Please see it and be amazed at the universality of love.

All Songs Considered host Bob Boilen counts down listener picks for the ten best CDs of 2005, with NPR music reviewers Will Hermes, Tom Moon and Meredith Ochs. They also share some of their own favorites from the year and take calls from listeners. This program originally webcast live on NPR.org Dec. 16, 2005.

Well, here you are… You have tried everything that you know to get ahead, thrive, and build a future and it isn’t working. All you are now doing is surviving, check to check, moment by moment, emergency by emergency. It’s just not the way you want to live your life. You’re right, you can do better.

Thanks, Joel. You know why I like Amazon? All the reviews. That was a genius move on their part because that’s the reason I go there. I got to Joel’s list from the book How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt, and Live Prosperously by Jerrold Mundis, which I am now going to go get at the library.

Update: I went and got the tape at the library and it is good so far, but he wants me to track all my spending. Damn! Why is awareness always the first step?

My experience: So far my biggest fear of being hungry has been realized, all because of lack of planning. I also feel a little weird. I don’t know how to describe it, I don’t have the icky low blood sugar feeling, but I do feel carb-deprived.

Links

• A Diet Blog weighs in about the Rosedale Diet.
• L. Robinson’s personal experience with the diet over at free dieting.
• A Blogger is documenting her experience on her blog (named Rosedale.) She started in September.
• Jonni Good blogs about trying out the Rosedale.
• A Rosedale Diet yahoo group that you don’t have to join to read.
• A Mixed review over at Everydiet.
• A list of the allowed foods by NC… from a discussion at low carb friends.
• A Threaded discussion about the RD also from low carb friends.
• Dr. Mercola gives Dr. Rosedale props. (Dr. Mercola loves Dr. Rosedale, Dr. Mercola loves Dr. Rosedale…)

Wish me luck!