hope

I went to an art class yesterday and a woman used lyrics from a Leonard Cohen song in her collage. Today, I went to church and the minister read lyrics from the same song in his reading! Now, I’ve gotta hear this song! Here are some of the lyrics. You can see the rest of the lyrics here.

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be…

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

This would be a pretty quote to illustrate.

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My mom is (very happily) married to her 4th husband, so even though I am single, I have seen a lot of different types of marriages up close and I feel that I am highly qualified to answer this question. (Just kidding, I think everyone is highly qualified to answer this question. That’s why I asked! :)

My answer begins with who you should marry:

I think it makes sense to marry someone you are crazy about, someone who lights up your life and twinkles your toes, and is a decent person who treats people kindly, who is willing to work on a relationship, and who has goals that are compatible with yours.

So, if things aren’t going well and you think maybe you want out, should you call it quits? I have three answers for you:

1. YES

I think that if people are in abusive relationships, they ought to get divorced RIGHT AWAY! Don’t try and fix it! Get thee out!  The hard part is, what is abusive? That can be a trickier to answer than you would think when you are in a relationship and much easier to see when you finally get out.

If someone hits you, sexually abuses anyone, or in any other way degrades your soul, then I would JUST LEAVE (make you sure you research how to do it safely if you are worried about the other person hurting you- make your safety your highest priority.)

2. MAYBE

I just read on the Divorce Busting site that 1/3 of the marriages ending in divorce are abusive. That means 2/3’s aren’t.
If you are not in an abusive marriage, and you never felt twinkly about the person you are with, and you don’t have kids, I just don’t know. My only advice is that you do everything you can to improve the relationship and even if you decide not to try and keep your marriage alive, at least do everything in your power to be a true friend to the person you married.

I think that if you do decide to get divorced even after you make every effort to improve your relationship, the thing that will comfort you is that you have a healthy relationship of some kind and that you treated and continue to treat the other person very well. (And who knows, you might find that you can create a very satisfying relationship with the person you are with after all.)

3.Do Your Best To Save Your Marriage

If you once felt twinkly about your partner, if the person just annoys the hell out of you, you have lost interest in them, if you feel repeatedly rejected because they have lost interest in you, if you no longer find sex satisfying or any other host of problems- but they are not abusive, and especially if you have kids,

Then I would say do EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in your power to make it work.

I’m thinking about this right now because I stumbled across the site: Divorce Busting and while I am very, very glad that divorce exists for anyone in abusive relationships, and I HIGHLY recommend high tailing it out of there (you can be so much happier when you are with someone who treats you well, you won’t even believe it), there are many people whose families are torn asunder who probably could have mended things if they had just known how. That is really tragic.

I really wish some of my friends, and my friend’s parents had access to this information back in the day.
Especially interesting articles from the site:

1.  The Walk Away Wife Syndrome
2. Hopefully Ever After 
3. He Must Be Teething

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If you are feeling at all stuck today, you might like to listen to this beautiful story about Sarah.

To listen, go to Your Strongest Self, click on “video and audio clips,” then choose “Do you still think you’re a caterpillar?”

(What does this have to do with Women’s History Month??? Ummm… trusting yourself is very good for women? ?? I’m not sure, but I hope this story inspires you. :)

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I stumbled across what I fear may be an anti-feminist blog. I went ahead and posted a comment anyhow because this particular post didn’t offend me. Hopefully I have not added energy to the dark side. (imagine “dark side” said into a fan for the right effect.)

Here are my edited comments about Research on Female Preferences in Men over at, (yipes!) Feminist Critics:

My experiences:
Whenever I’ve heard a guy say, “Women say they want nice guys, but they don’t really.” or something like that, and the guy saying that is implying that he is nice, but women don’t like him, he never actually is nice. I’ve never heard an actual nice guy say that. I wonder what the men who say that think of as “nice.”

(Maybe they mean superficially polite, begrudgingly following the cultural rules and miffed that she still won’t sleep with him? I don’t know, this is pure conjecture.)

Personally, I do like manly men. (If we are defining “manly” as “probably having a lot of testosterone.”) I once heard a show about the effects of testosterone on mens voices: makes them kind of gruff and deep, and noted that my three favorite boyfriends had voices like that. All of my boyfriends have been athletic, but I don’t think they were all especially “manly.”  Two of my “manly” boyfriends were also popular and confident, which I liked. I don’t know if that has anything to do with testoterone…

So, although I do like manly men, I also like and have dated just regular men. Therefore, the differentiating factor for me is not “manliness.”  I look for niceness, (ie: grounded, at least somewhat emotionally intelligent, kind even to people who won’t benefit him), physical attraction (which I guess must be chemical and has been quite varied for me) and of course, shared humor, interests, values, etc..

What about YOU gentle reader? What do you like?

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My plans for rat park rather than rat cage living written a couple months ago:

One night a week at a track club: I like running every now and then- I especially like running fast and this track work out is dedicated to speed work.

Dancing: My favorite dance company in my town has moved closer to where I live and I want to take their classes. I’m a little nervous about facing fat prejudice. I love dancing and I have a natural aptitude for it. I hope I’ll be welcomed and not judged even though I bet I’ll have more fat on my body then other people in the class will.

*If you’ve ever faced prejudice, how do you deal with it? Do you call people on it? Do you ignore it and try to prove them wrong through your actions? Do you ignore it? There is so much fat prejudice in our society. I’m worried that it is especially bad in dance classes. Oh well. I gotta dance. I’m going anyway.

**By the way, if you love dancing and are fat, (ie: you have more fat on your body than you feel is socially acceptable) and are afraid to face the fat prejudice, I recommend salsa dancing and swing dancing. There are people of all different shapes there and people mostly just want a good dance partner. A fat safe place.

Wilderness training: I love camping and I haven’t gone camping in about 5 years now. Unheard of! I got a notice in my email for a ten week wilderness training course put on by the Sierra Club. Ten weeks of training and four camping trips to practice our skills! This class is what got the rat park ball rolling.

Writing group: I write almost every day. I have weird mixed feelings about going to a writing group.

*Fantasy: I imagine reading something and everyone exclaiming about how great it is. Afterwards, people come up to me and say that I should be in their smaller writing group, I should publish a book, they know a magazine editor- I should submit an article.

**What I don’t really want is any negative critique. I’m not sure why I’m less open to suggestion about my writing. I think I know when my writing is crappy or blah. What will be useful for me is having a regular time to meet with people every month and preparing writing to be read in public.

Music: I feel almost opposite about music as I do about writing. I don’t want an open mike night to perform at. I want a jam session and I’m open to LOTS of feedback.

2/25/08 Update: I have been taking the Wilderness course and I have been enjoying my time off. I’m blossoming out of the cage office and in my enriched natural environment. I’m glad I found this post which reminds me of so to add in some of the other activities I was excited about as well. Wishing you the oomph to change any cage like situations and get thee some more park like situations.

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I wrote the following during this last Christmas season. I had just decided to go back home rather than to my Granddad’s house in another town.

How has your holiday vacation been? (I hope you’ve had some holiday vacation!)

I’ve been thinking about the coming year. What I think I should be doing is looking for a JOB or some way to make money, but what I’ve been doing is planning my fun. I had a dirth* of fun last year and I think my neural connections have withered away from sitting in a dark secluded giant box with very boring tasks to do. Sounds like a lab rat.

*I know it’s “dearth” in the dictionary, but that looks like it sounds like someone is saying “dearest” after sucking on ice too long, and I’m leading a spelling revolution.

Martha Beck wrote about experiments done on rats and how there are some fundamental flaws in most of the research. You see, most of the research was done on rats in very boring environments. The results totally change when they place the rats in more life like enriched environments which she calls “rat parks”.

The results of my year and a half long experiment in an impoverished rat cage environment? This usually quick witted girl has gotten a little slower, I talk slower, I move slower, I don’t smile as much. The world seems grayer. I feel like I’m coming out of seclusion and I’ve started to plan all the fun things I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for them, tomorrow I’ll tell you what I have up my sleeve so far.

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Just messin’ about the other night.

Game: one person is the interviewer, one is the interviewee, no pre-planning.

Result: 5 minutes of radio listening- frequent channel changes.

I hope you enjoy it! We did! :)

Oh bummer… the file is too big. Ok, instead, I’ve attached a picture of our cat visitor. S/he came back tonight! SUCH a cutie and SUCH a softie.

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My mom is upset about the costly dental work I just had done that not only did not accomplish the objective of improving my bite, but left my previously pain free mouth with three tender teeth. I just figured I would cut my losses and move to Canada or France, but she thinks I should confront my dentist.

Here is her (slightly tongue in cheek at the end) letter she suggests I send:

Dr. Pat Patruchia xxxx
I came to you on xxx-xx-xx date and explained clearly that I needed my bite repaired. You should have explained to me that this was not your specialty and referred me to a bite specialist. But you didn’t; you told me that you could do this.

After spending 6 hours and $3000. in your office, not only is my bite problem not fixed but 2 other crowned teeth in my mouth that were previously fine are sensitive and often experiencing pain.

All I am asking is that you refund the $3000. I do not want to sue you but if I have to, I will. If I must pursue legal action it will be for more than this – it will also include the cost of repairing the other crowns, it will include my time, and it will include the cost of emotional damage to me, my mother, and my children and grandchildren down to the fourth generation.

Please respond within one week or I’ll be seeing you in court.

She has also consulted her dentist who thinks I did not get good treatment. (Yes, I got a recommendation to go to this dentist, but who really knows with dentists!)

My mom hopes I’m not mad at her for obsessing about my teeth. I’m not mad. She tells me that my great-grandma obsessed about my grandma’s teeth, who got unsuccessful caps on her previously beautiful front teeth, my grandma obsessed about my mom’s teeth- making her display her teeth as she told strangers how well her overbite had been fixed, and now my mom is obsessing about my teeth. I’m not mad, I’m glad she cares.

Teeth are so personal. They are so omnipresent in our consciousness when they are uncomfortable. The ironic thing is that I was blessed with really great teeth! They were white, they were cavity free, they were straight enough, but a series of small mistakes by dentists along the way has led to a situation like a bad hair cut where the hairdresser keeps cutting a little more off to even up the now way too short bangs, (or “fringe” for all my British readers (I like to pretend I have British readers).)

So pretty front teeth (I don’t want you to picture me all scraggly toothed) that don’t quite touch in the back, which is rather aggravating, especially after just spending $3000. Let us pray to the tooth fairy for pain free teeth that can chew, and a husband with Canadian citizenship.

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It’s very exciting.  Who I like:

Republicans:

John McCain- he knows what he’s doing and he is a good person with a solidly ethical record. If I wasn’t so set on voting for a Democrat, I might vote for him, which I could do in good conscious. I so hope he is the Republican nominee.

Huckabee- I’m guessing he wouldn’t make the best president because I doubt his policies would be effective and his social conservatism scares me, but I think he has the heart of a populist and is actually for the people which is a massive improvement over Bush.

I have to give a shout out to Mitt Romney. I don’t want him to be president, but I do think he is a nice person, and he is so good looking. ;)

Democrats:

Hillary Clinton- I trust her abilities. I think she can handle whatever comes along and she has a looonnnggg track record of very ethical, good hearted public service. She’s the smart kid in the room.

Obama- I was so set on Hillary that I finally had to look at Obama’s website to see what his take on the issues are. … Looks good, but lacks experience. I don’t know. With the troubled world right now, I still trust Hillary more in the seat of power, but I think it would be awesome if he was vice-president.

John Edwards is currently making me cry with his after caucus speech.  To be fair, I haven’t looked at Edwards’ policies.  For me, it is so exciting to think of having a woman or an African American man being president that I haven’t felt motivated to look into his policies, but I will. I’ll vote for who I believe will be the best president.

A change is gonna come and it is soo time for it. I’ll leave you with John Edward’s words: “Enough is enough. We are better than this.”

Damn straight.

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You give one charity $25 and before you know it, Anthony D. Romero from ACLU is writing you compelling donation letters. And you can say to the letter, “Look, I know I donated to you once, but I just quit my job and Christmas is coming up.” To which Anthony responds,

“At the heart of our work together is a fundamental struggle in our nation that pits confidence and optimism against fear and insecurity.”"Well, that is intriguing, Anthony. I mean, you’ve obviously really thought about this. you’re getting to the heart of the matter. I completely agree. But, like I said, I’m running on soon to be broke mode, so…. good luck to you.”

Then, with his deep, dark brown eyes, Anthony looks deep into mine and says, “I’m urging you today to make a year-end donation to the ACLU as a personal reflection of you commitment to the confident, determined, and hopeful spirit that are fundamental to protecting and advancing freedom.” (emphasis his)

“Wow, Anthony, how did you know I’m committed to a hopeful spirit and to advancing freedom? I really am. It’s like, we’re so.. sympatico… But, look, I just can’t give you a donation right now with a cheerful heart, which is my way, but I can write about this on my blog and maybe give you wider exposure to a richer audience…” (Now I feel a little guilty, he doesn’t know how few people read my blog.)

I think he’s disappointed, but Anthony has class, “Thank you for all you have done to defend freedom in this especially challenging period - and for the leadership I know you will continue to offer as we move freedom forward in 2008.”

No, thank you, Anthony. Thank you for your optimism and your clarity and your determination, thank you.

PS: As a bonus just for Anthony, here is a link to an article about Naomi Wolf’s new book which lists the ten steps that people use to turn democracies into dictatorships: 10 steps to dictatorship

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Written December 22, 2005

There is an interesting study in the book How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton. It talks about POW’s becoming hopeless just because they lose a sense of camaraderie. So, to prevent curling up in a corner and dying (POW fate) this book is exhorting people to fill each other’s buckets, to uplift, and encourage each other.

I read the entire book in Borders last night. I left my house when everyone in it was having dinner together but me. I walked out, said a cheery “Ciao!” and pretended I had somewhere to go. It was late, I started driving, and wondered where I should go. I was crying so it had to be somewhere dark. I stopped by the movies but it would be over an hour until the next one started. I had gotten a slightly manic email from my mom earlier in the day saying we had 6 Christmas parties to go to and that you never know when you will meet a man! Umm.. am I in the middle of Bridgit Jones’s Diary? Suddenly the vacation I was looking forward to didn’t sound so cheery. Then my best friend went off and went skating without me, and, to top it off, there was the cheery Christmas scene at my house that I was left out of. So, I went to Borders.

I bought one book and read another. I felt immensely better after hiding in the craft section and reading How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life. I highly recommend this very simple book and might get a copy for everyone I know. I also made an interesting sociological discovery: Business books are just self-help books that use the word “business” in them and are in the business section!! They are self-help books for men! I just discovered a whole new place to browse. Then I went and got me some onion rings.

My roommate’s parents are here. They look at me and speak to me. They are sweet and it feels really good. Like my roommates, they eat my food. Unlike my roommates, they also share. I finished school today. I am now a “master.” I gave my 30 days notice to my roommate/landlord. I’m going to the movies tonight with friends. Yesterday my bucket was drained. Today it is filling up again. Goodnight! I hope someone is loving you and filling your bucket. If not, I hope you can do something extra sweet for yourself. Sometimes onion rings help.

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When I was looking for Fat is a Feminist Issue in a bookstore the other day, I saw a book called The Body Project. It was all about the history of teenage girls and their relationship with their bodies. I don’t know if you know any teenage girls well. I know girls at my church who seem to have escaped this detour from living, but I also know many girls including my cousin, including me as a teenager, who make the biggest project in their lives the reshaping and improvement of their bodies.

Grown women often do this, but some of them move on to improving other aspects of themselves, like their emotions or their social skills. This seems less shallow. But it is still approaching yourself as if you need to be fixed. So, instead of putting your energy into doing things that you enjoy, you put energy into making yourself better. It is a difference in orientation to yourself and to life. Are you in yourself, a subject that is living life, or are you viewing yourself, an object that needs to be better.

I think one of the basic questions is: Can I trust my own desires? If I do what I like, am I going to be ok? Don’t I need to monitor myself closely and then fix myself? Thinking anecdotally, I can group this difference somewhat by gender. Most self-help books seem to be directed at women. I can picture men playing sports and climbing mountains and women counting calories and measuring their thighs. This is a sad state of affairs. I don’t know how accurate that stereotype is. Picturing some men who don’t work at self-improvement, I realize that the urge to fix yourself is not all bad. ;) Maybe the best way to live is with balance, introspecting and focusing on the outer world.

I thought of this post because my vision is wavering, as if I’m looking at one of those ambivalent pictures where you can see two different things depending on where you focus; like a square popping in or out. I feel an urge to get into life more! Blame it on Spring, if you want. As many women know, dieting can actually be energizing, especially in the planning stages. Anything that makes you feel in control of your destiny can feel good. In the end though, that feeling of getting into life fades when you make your body your project, because it ends up feeling more like getting ready for life than living it. I’m taking my urge to do something and shifting it to where I need more balance: doing something fun. I’m going to take up a couple activities I’ve been wanting to do for awhile, including improv! I hope this post helps someone who needs it to see the other picture. I welcome your thoughts.

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Hey all ya’ll! It’s been awhile. I’m still looking for a place to live so that I can get to my new job easily. When I’ve had spare time I’ve been looking up rooms and apartments, calling places, and visiting them. It feels like a microcosm of looking for a husband. I see a lot of places that don’t quite fit and hold out for something better and then miss places that would have been better than having nothing, and I have to find somewhere to live. I comfort myself with the thought that when it comes to husbands I don’t have to settle because I don’t have to have a husband. I have high hopes for a place I’m looking at tonight.

I’ve been staying with my friend Red since the 7th. It’s actually been kind of fun. It’s not much different than our usual friendship because we do our own thing and we talk at the same times during the day when we used to talk on the telephone. We have fought less than usual. We usually only fight about ideas- we get along well in the course of living. Of course, when we talk about ideas, I find myself appealingly sagacious and him irritatingly obtuse.

He read a book called A General Theory of Love and was telling me about the ideas. I disagree with part of it and he was furious because I hadn’t even read it. So, I read it. I still disagreed with the same part of it, but really enjoyed most of it. (The part I disagreed with might be fodder for FMH because one of the author’s ideas is that it is harmful for babies to get their emotional needs met from a variety of caretakers and that the mother should be the primary emotional rock. I think that is an incredibly modern idea and that the truth is that people are fairly tribal and that a child with many caring adults in their life is going to be happier and the mom is going to be a lot happier too.)

So, today we were listening to NPR which doesn’t bode well for our happy household. They were talking about torture. I think that people can torture other people because they think of them as less than human, or as “other” and they are very loyally tied to their own “tribe” and part of that is doing the “tribe’s” will. That is how people can do horrible things and still think of themselves as a good person. We can all witness this in action in our selves. To take it to an extreme, most of us can brush our teeth or take antibiotics and destroy little life forms without guilt. Then comes the more familiar life forms like chicken and fish and cows, that many of us eat and still consider ourselves to be good people. It’s the same process. We are emotionally tied to beings we consider in our group. I think following orders that are cruel, and prejudice are some of the dark sides of a limbic brain that allows us the beautiful ability to bond to our babies and love other people, and creatures. Red, full of feeling, I think erroneously bows before this limbic system seeing it as all good and our neo-cortex as the cause of all our evils. He thinks that people can torture other people because they are not connected enough to their hearts/limbic brains.

What do you all think?

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Do you ever just feel so much compassion for people and our plight as humans? Me too. It’s a good thing we have movies to distract us! And TV, lots of TV! I’m writing tongue in cheek, but also being serious. So many people, (including me!) do things that I don’t approve of, like spend hours watching TV, but sometimes I just look at all of us and think, “whatever gets you through the night.” All I ask is that you take the Buddhist and medical oath approach and first do no harm. At their best, movies can serve as modern day sit-around-the-campfire stories that make life less raw and a little less scary by giving us all a pattern to observe and a connection to each other.

Some movies I might want to see

1. Isn’t this a Time?
2. Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story (R)
3. Bubble (R)
4. Cape of Good Hope (PG-13)
5. Christmas in the Clouds (PG)
6. Eight Below (PG)
7. The Family Stone (PG-13)
8. Last Holiday (PG-13)
9. Munich (R)
10. The New World (PG-13)
11. The Producers
    

Movies I certainly want to see

1. The Real Dirt on Farmer John (Not rated)
2. Syriana (R)
3. Transamerica (R)
4. Something New (PG 13)

Movies I have seen
This year I most highly recommend Brokeback Mountain. Please see it and be amazed at the universality of love.

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Inspired by Andrea, I’m going to list my own Micro-updates.

* Did I ever mention that I graduated? I think that means that in formal situations, you now have to call me “Master.” ;) I got all A’s my last semester. I worked hard and am glaaaadddd it paid off.

* I’m moving to a new part of town. It is a house for international students with all expenses included in the rent. I can stay as long as I like and leave when I want to, so it will be a good place during this liminal time.

* I’m looking for a job. I am dreaming of discretionary income. I’m going to save a substantial amount each month, and then… My list of first things to buy is growing longer. The first thing I will do with insurance is get fillings. Right now the top of my discretionary income list are new bras… Ahhh… the luxury. :)

* Today I am indulging my organizing yen and purging and packing semi-meticulously. I know I will feel a lot better when all of my stuff is packed and labeled.

* Last night I was so sad and wondered if I will ever be loved in the “you jump, I jump” sort of way. I sure hope I will, but if I’m not, I will fill up my life with all the other fabulous parts of life.

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Have you noticed how diets are like the new religion? I guess it’s not surprising considering how diets are equated with morality in our modern world. Being thin is equated with being beautiful and both are equated with being good. When you are talking about your worth and morality, you’ve got quite a touchy subject on your hands. I think when it comes to diet, like when it comes to religion, I’m a Unitarian Universalist, not a fundamentalist.

Back in December, I had an online conversation which made me feel like I was unexpectedly at a revival when I thought I was at a block party. In an online radiant recovery group, a woman who was having trouble with cravings asked for advice and I replied:

I have the same trouble and have jumped in and skipped steps several times in this program. One HUGE support for me has been supplements. I highly recommend reading The Mood Cure, taking the mood quiz and getting the applicable supplements. That has helped me a LOT. Good luck!

I was then chastened by the moderator, and realized I had stumbled into a revival:

…Just wanted to let you know that on this list we don’t discuss supplements and other programs. Our… list is used for social support and interaction, planning get-togethers, and issues of doing this program as it relates to our geographical area…

Kathleen DeMaisons, the author of Potatoes not Prozac, chimed in with her thoughts about the Mood Cure:

and for the record, I would like to say, I respectfully disagree with Julia Ross’ approach to healing. I think that recommending a gadzillion supplements reinforcing addictive thinking about *taking* things to get well. I know that eating breakfast is not sexy and takes longer, but that is where we are at with this program.

warmly,
kathleen

I don’t mind that Kathleen doesn’t agree with me, but I don’t want to be in a group where I can only say what we’ve all agreed we can say. What is the point in talking if we can’t share our real experiences?! I wrote an ultra (I hope) diplomatic letter in response today:

Hi Kathleen and Peggy,

I really like PnP, it has helped me a lot, and I was looking forward to being on this list, because I am definitely sugar sensitive. Other things have helped too, including The Mood Cure. Kathleen, I think it is interesting that you don’t like Julia’s approach, since you also recommend supplements. She recommends very reasonable amounts of supplements, and her book is very helpful in finding out which supplements work for which ailments, and understanding how food choices affect mood.

I understand that people have differences of opinions. I like variety, and I need to be in a group where I can bring all of me to the table. Peggy, telling me I can’t mention supplements makes me feel a little like I’m in a fundamentalist church, and I can’t be honest about my experience. Also, if I can’t share honestly, I worry that other people aren’t able to share honestly either. I’m considering leaving the group.

I wish you all the best and am still very open to meeting with people who are following the PnP program. I would love to get together in person or talk by email and support each other along our perhaps slightly different but still intertwined journeys…

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I was going to write a deep post about how sometimes people get overwhelmed with the problems in the world and don’t do the little things because they can’t do everything. But, I am on an unfamiliar computer and it took me forever to upload these pictures, so I’ll just get to introducing the cuteness that started these thoughts.

This is Pi. I found this little kitten outside on my mom’s picnic table a couple days ago. It is part of the posse of feral cats in the neighborhood, and we think it got abandoned because it was sick. My mom told me to get it out of the house immediately, but it had taken me 20 minutes to catch this wild cat and I wasn’t going to just put it back out in the cold. (It was very cold.) I took slow motion hunter like steps towards it until I was close and enough to reach out and grab it. I think I only caught it because it was sick. I brought it inside, and it was flattened out to the floor and scared. As you can see, it warmed up to me pretty soon. Pi was falling asleep in this picture.

I think I was there for it’s first human induced purr. I pet it’s back a couple times and it was like it’s motor started for the first time. It looked surprised. It started purring this loud purr that didn’t quit the whole time we had it. Eventually, after I started crying, my mom came around and let me keep it in the house and helped me find some people to help it. (I am a stranger in a strange land on Christmas vacation.) I don’t think this kitten had ever eaten food besides nursing so it took it awhile to eat the cat food and cream of wheat we gave it.

It was very happy to be held, and very sad if I ever left the bathroom where we kept it, (so it wouldn’t pass along whatever sickness it had to our cats). Sandy, the cat healer and rescuer, took it and assured me she would heal it up and then find Pi a home. Most of the animals we’ve had have been rescued and were/are part of our family. I hope Pi has a nice life. Whoever gets this playful and loving kitten will be lucky. Oh yeah, and just because you cannot save all the stray cats in the world doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try and save one.

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This is the time for cataloguing. What I have (Thanksgiving.) What I want (Christmas.) Who do I love and what shall I give them? Today I am also gathering up all my projects for an online portfolio, and more importantly, gathering up my list of skills, my list of favorite job characteristics, my list of what companies I want to work for, and the names of who I will contact at those companies. Soon it will be New Years and time for gathering up my favorites from the year, my memories, my hopes for the future. I like gathering and listing. Well, I dread it, but then I feel better. Like everything is squared away and finally, a little less chaotic.

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A response to a video I wrote for school tonight. I’m sharing it because I think it’s timely.

Someone in class said that faith is the opposite of reason. I disagree. I think faith is the opposite of fear. Most people who have faith or religion as a part of their lives also use reason, and are willing to let other people see things in a different way. I think fundamentalism rises when fear rises, as the video showed so well. Some of the fear is a natural response to poverty, feeling powerless to become a part of the mainstream, and to a rapidly changing world. As we saw in the video, fear is often spurred on by disingenuous leaders. In contrast, I saw the leaders who were sincere encouraging and uplifting people when they spoke to them.

I used to be confused by the religious right because they say they are followers of Jesus Christ, and yet, as a group, they are in favor of using guns and war. They often seem angry and hateful. Now I’m not confused by it. Their expression of Christianity is an expression of fearful fundamentalism, just like fundamentalists of other religions, not the expression of people following a century old leader who says to “turn the other cheek.” The video emphasized the similarities between fundamentalists from different religions when it showed fundamentalist Jewish people in Israel at a shooting range. If you take away their yarmulkes, they would look like stereotypical Christian fundamentalists who belong to the NRA.

I don’t think there is a split between world religions. I don’t think there is a split between being religious and using technology or being scientific. I think there is a split between fundamentalism and faith, between clinging to the past and moving forward with hope. Pat Robinson and the Ayatollah Khomeini, and other fear mongering leaders, have much more in common with each other than they do with faithful followers of their respective religions. I don’t think fundamentalism is a matter of individual character flaws either. I think fundamentalism rises out of fear which is a natural reaction to very real outer circumstances. It is also a reaction to imagined outer circumstances. Pat Robinson gave a terrific example of fear mongering on the video, when he told his Christian audience that atheists and humanists were out to hunt them down.

With all my heart I believe in democracy and believe that people should be allowed to worship how, where, and what they may. I think any force fighting for a theocracy is inherently unfaithful and fearful. To ensure that we all continue to be able to freely and responsibly search for meaning, and continue to have many other freedoms, I think we need to make individual changes, and policy changes. Politically, and in business we need to act with the knowledge that having “haves” and the “never-have-a chance-of-havings” is dangerous to everyone. We don’t need to be compassionate to work for a flatter world. (Although I think compassion is soul healing.) We just need to have a reasoned assessment of what is in our own self interest. I think we need to do everything we can on a policy level to allow everyone in the game. On an individual level, I hope we will all contribute to the environment of hope rather than fear. One way to do this is to see our underlying similarities and avoid demonizing other people. Another way to do this is to be careful what we put in our minds. For example, we can choose to watch real news, and refuse to support fear mongering. Education, one of my personal favorites, is also a good solution to fear, especially for the people who are mostly making choices based on imagined fears.

Something I really admire about the British is how they responded in WW II. They were under attack and they could have easily been overcome by Nazi forces, but they rallied together as a country. They didn’t give up, they made sure their cities were blacked out, and took their street signs down so an invading army would get lost. I think their tenacity saved them. In our individual lives and as a society, our courage has saved us again and again, and will continue to do so. I think we are in a time that exemplifies the saying that “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

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Have you ever noticed my URL says “my refrigerator doot?” It’s a typo which turned into a joke from a URL that was meant to be: “My refrigerator door.” I originally thought of this blog as an electronic version of things I would stick on my refrigerator door. That’s how I’m using it today, so don’t mind me :) As you can see, I’m stealing things directly from people’s websites. I hope that giving them credit keeps me ethical! Apparently not; here is another pilfered article set right.

From Gifted Adults by Lynne M. Azpeitia:

The Role of the Therapist & Coach with Gifted Adults

Gifted adults work best with therapists and coaches who collaborate with them. Collaborating is key because gifted adults are independent thinkers who maintain an internal locus of control and do not automatically adopt or rely on the opinions of authority figures for direction or instruction on what to do or how to do it.

While gifted adults may respect a therapist or coach’s ability and experience, they also respect their own. Any suggestion, solution or direction offered to them will be thoroughly considered on its own merits and if selected, customized to the gifted adult’s own situation. It is very important that the therapist or coach not take this personally if they are going to work with gifted adults.

(The colors are mine.) Check out the rest of the article at Gifted-Adults.com.

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I’m shortening this stolen article so that it only contains a respectable amount of quotes and a link back to the source, and color. :) Cheerio! (I just watched Wallace and Gromit.)

Even if you have doubts about the extent of your giftedness, you will really bring your talents to life if you will embrace your drive to become, serve, create, achieve, and contribute.

Self-recognition is not to fuel egotism or elitism, but to align with a more powerful, creative part of you that will let your heart, your knowledge, your talent loose on the world. Mary Rocamora, founder and director of Rocamora

1. General Characteristics

• Do you have a large vocabulary?
• Are you multi-talented?
• Do you have so many interests and abilities that it is hard to focus your energies on developing any of them to your satisfaction?
• Are you possessed of an unrelenting (and possibly off-the wall) sense of humor?
• Can you occupy time usefully without external stimulation?
• Are you persistently goal-directed in your behavior?
• Is your creativity apparent in all areas of endeavor?
• Do you have the need and the energy to develop more capacity?

2. Entelechy

Derived from the Greek word for having a goal, entelechy is a particular type of motivation, need for self-determination, and an inner strength and vital force directing life and growth to become all one is capable of being. Gifted people with entelechy are often attractive to others who feel drawn to their openness and to their dreams and visions. Being near someone with this trait gives others hope and determination to achieve their own self-actualization.

(Deirdre Lovecky, “Warts and Rainbows: Issues in the Psychotherapy of the Gifted”, Advanced Development, Jan., 1990)

• Are you directed by an inner vision of your purpose in life, or have a dream that is all-consuming?
• Are you highly motivated to be all you are capable of being?
• Are you deeply involved in creating your own destiny?
• Do you continue to believe in yourself and your vision, even when no one else does?
• Are others attracted to your vision, wanting to participate?

I love the word “entelechy!” If you do too, you’re probably gifted, but just to be sure, check out the rest of the self test at Rocamora.org.

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This is the comment I left at Feminist Mormon Housewives on Lisa’s Ultimate Polygamy Post

Well, I might feel differently if I were married, but I can sort of get the polygamy thing, not really the Mormon version, but the I-have-several-sisters-and-best-friends-that-I’m-sealed-to-forever, and what the heck, a lover or two or three. Growing up Mormon, I thought the idea of polygamy was harsh, but when I got to college and had boyfriends when my friends did not, I wanted to share my boyfriends for all the non-sexual things guys can do- dancing, walking arm in arm, carrying heavy things, and even comforting guy hugs. Men just have an energy that I like and if my girlfriends didn’t have a man, then I had an urge to share! I can also be very jealous if I don’t feel like the primary person in my guy’s life. I think my generousity was based on feeling securely loved. I can even imagine in another time and place that I wouldn’t mind my husband having sex with someone else (ok, that’s a real stretch!) if I was still his alpha and omega. That’s sort of where the idea of polygamy breaks down for me, not everyone can be alpha and omega. Ok, if I’m in heaven and there’s no men left, and my husband is unwaveringly in love with me, and there is a lonesome woman up there, and we can’t just create another man for her or borrow one from a distant galaxy, I would be willing to share. I admit it. I can’t help it! It would be suck to be lonesome for all eternity. Is this why the Gods kept coming down from Olympus to have affairs with mortals?

ps: I just accidentally published this on an old school blog!!! I deleted it quick, hopefully quick enough! Otherwise, ummm, yeah, hi old classmates.

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I’m one of those people who have seasonal affective disorder, with the fantastically appropriate acronym: SAD. Below is an article if you want to read more about it. Basically, when the days get shorter, people with SAD feel more sleepy, less social, and they want to eat lots of carbohydrates. They want to hibernate. They are the bear people.

Hibernating is inconvenient in this modern world, and I’m all for flouting mother nature on this one, but let’s be real, it’s not a disorder, it’s a normal reaction to the change in season. You want to hole up, put on some weight for the winter, and sleep more. I could happily spend the winter season in a warm, bright house with my family, and all the food we stored for the winter. I’d read, and listen to Pa play the fiddle. Just don’t ask me to go out, and don’t ask me to do anything. I think the interesting thing is people in the general population whose pineal glands mistake artificial light for sunlight and don’t have that reaction, that’s a disorder! But it’s a helpful and convenient one.

Exposure to sunlight or a lightbox in the morning helps many people. There is an article in this month’s Scientific America about it. I have a light box, but when I moved to a sunnier place I didn’t think I’d need it. I’m going to get up at 7 every morning and take a walk, hopefully that will help my body pretend I shouldn’t be hibernating. Good luck bear people!

Here’s an article about SAD on a buy-your-term-paper website. (Can you imagine writing term papers for your job? Ugh.)

The Center for Environmental Therapeutics has a good questionaire about SAD. I took the quiz and it told me that the best time for me to do light therapy is at 7AM! I don’t know how they came to that conclusion, but for years my gut instinct has been that 7AM is my optimal waking up time.

NAMI (The National Alliance on Mental Illness) has a good overview article about SAD.

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Things I’m not good at: remembering what people’s cars look like, having any idea when my period is coming.

My first clue is when I suddenly start crying and feel that life is really not worth living and wondering how I will make it through the next 80 or so years. So, last night my teacher says something to me and it makes me cry. Luckily only one side of me is weak; my right side. I don’t know what this means, but sometimes if I am trying not to cry but can’t help crying, only my right eye will cry. This is very useful if I’m a passenger in a car, as I’ve had many opportunities to discover. One side of me can be relentlessly leaking while I’m carrying on a normal conversation with the ignorant driver.

Last night, I tried to pass off my crying as something in my eye, and this could have been a success. I also used my time honored tradition of thinking of a rock. I don’t know why this works for me , but it helps. I even drew a picture of a rock on my notebook paper. Yes, I’m a 30-something master’s student and I was trying not to cry in class by repeating everything my professor said in my head while looking at a picture of a rock, so I didn’t have time to say to myself, “Nobody likes me!” As I said, this could have worked. Then my professor, who had continued teasing me, ’cause we’re just that kind of fun loving class and I can (usually) take it, came up to me during the break and said with his kind little eyes, “You know I was kidding, right?” My averted eyes and non-committal mumble caused him to repeat. Then my classmate next to me tried to joke with me. I had to hurry and leave. Don’t look at me with kind eyes when I’m thinking, “rock!”

I rushed down 3 flights of stairs to a bathroom in the basement that I found when I was new and didn’t know where my classes were. Yes, it was where I remembered it from 2 years ago. The whites of my eyes were both bright red, and I started sobbing witht he gasping breaths and everything. Then it was just unrecoverable. My face was blotchy and wet and the sight of my crumpling face in the mirror was making me laugh between sobs. Then someone knocked at the unisex bathroom door. A man with a long beard, a red bandana, and some peircings was leaning against the wall waiting. I hoped he didn’t think the unflushed stuff in the toilet was from me.

Outside I was suprised by a beautiful sunset, which always helps. The air was crisp and I walked quickly towards my car, thinking, “I’ll look in the mirror of my car and if I can look like I wasn’t crying I’ll go back to class.” Unfortunately, I got in a crowded elevator full of psychologists. They were talking about feelings and how you should just express them. Everyone got off at another floor except me, and one little dark-haired lady. Do you know how you can hold it together as long as no one speaks to you? Or if they at least speak to you in an impersonal tone of voice? “Are you ok?” She asks me. Still, I manage to nod and not cry. “Do you want to talk about it?” I don’t know what I mumbled. “It it helps, I am a psychologist.” Well, thanks a lot lady. Now you’ve done it. I just started sobbing, my crumpled blotchy face beyond help. True to form, I felt despair of life ever being worth living for the rest of the night, and to top it off, Tivo messed up and did not record Gilmore Girls. Sometimes it’s the little things that count. I have to go back to class tonight with the same proffesor. The friend I went crying to, who also made me cry again, has advised me to say that I had a lot going on that day and had to leave, and that’s why I missed the computer simulation about system models.

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I just plucked my eyebrows. I was starting to look like Bert, or even worse, a drag queen who has just taken his wig off. Hopefully thinner eyebrows will give me the boost I need. Here’s the email I sent to my mom yesterday:

I’m at achool right now. Boy I had a time of it getting all my ducks in a row to graduate. Luckily I was expecting trouble and didn’tfreak out since I had such unexpected trouble last year. The trouble turned out to be of an unexpected sort.. It turns out that my advisor can’t be my advisor for special study because he doesn’t have a contract this year with the … department (he is the director for the … and is not teaching a class this semester.) So, they had to get another advisor who had work hours in their schedule to sign my paper even though the other professor would really do the work as my advisor. so, I have a fake advisor so I can do a real project and a fake grad assistanship so I can get paid for that project! OY!! :) I spent all day doing this and am still scared there is something I don’t know about that will prevent me from graduationg. Yes, I asked everyone if that was all, and got all the signitures, but I did that with my bachelors degree too. ACH! I don’t think I will feel totally sure I’m graduating until I hold the dipolma in my hands. And then I am framing that sucker and putting it on my wall.

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I am being inspired by other people’s blogs, so here’s another post in the comments-I-left-on-someone-else’s-blog category! I left this comment over at Laura’s Starling Fitness site.

Laura, I hope you find the cause and cure for your stomach hurting. If there is pain in your body, that is a sign that something is wrong!! So please don’t just live with it.

My stomach story: I hardly ever got headaches, but all growing up, my stomach hurt! Especially right before I went to school. So, the in house doc, my mom, said that I was either faking it or just nervous. My stomach pains continued into college. Nearly every day of my life I was in pain or uncomfortable for part of the day. In college, I found out that I’m lactose intolerant!!! That’s all it was!! So, there I was eating oatmeal or cereal for breakfast with milk, feeling sick and being accused of faking it! Now, I don’t drink milk and my stomach hardly ever hurts!

In related news: I used to get a gassy stomach when I went on dates! Then I accused myself of creating it out of nervousness. Luckily I read in a magazine that fake sugar gives some people gas. I never drink pop, but I would chew sugarless gum when I went out. I stopped with the gum, the gas stopped. SOMETHING is making your stomach hurt. You can trust yourself.

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I have so much to tell you, but I guess I’ll just do a short post about a movie today. I wish I had one of those programs that automatically posts. It would make my urge to communicate seem more regular and steady. Hey! I just thought of a way to write about the movie without spoiling it for those of you who haven’t seen it. One of my proffessors came up with this nifty technique: Where there is blank space, just triple click to see the writing. [Update: the triple click doesn't work well here, just highlight.] If you haven’t seen the movie, don’t triple click!

So, today I go to get drug tested for my new job, because I’d been acting kind of funny and all… (Ok, I just decided that the rest of this story will have to wait, until I’m not working there. It may be awhile. I’ll keep writing about it, but I’ll do a post-job series of posts. I want to keep my new job. So, skipping to the movie, I went to see it while I was waiting for my drug results.)

I liked it! I put it in the category of movies that have suprisingly good messages, like Bourne Supremacy. Tom Cruise was not the rugged, never-phased, can-think-of-every-imaginable-thing-that-amazingly-saves-the-day hero. Thank goodness. He was this sort of everyday, crappy father guy. Yes, he thought of a few good things, but his situation still seemed hopeless. And my favorite thing, unlike so many disaster movies, is that the people actually seemed phased by the things that happen to them. I often notice the psycological unreality in movies. Where other people are screaming, “That could never happen, that 60 foot Gorgon would never be able to fit into that cavern!” I am yelling, “Those people need therapy! There is no way they would be acting like that if their Grandma just melted in volcanic water!” This action/disaster movie showed the most realistic psychological reactions I have seen. Yes, I too have heard of Tom Cruise’s latest nuttery. However, I love him in movies like this.

The story of the alian invasion is definately secondary and clunky. Like Ebert, it did cross my mind that the alians sure made a lame plan, but unlike Ebert, I like that the story focuses on one person’s experience. It was more humanizing and interestingly, more scary. If you can help it, don’t read Ebert’s review before you go, or anyone else’s for that matter. I made a decision at the beginning of the movie to go with it, to be immersed, and the storytellers didn’t let me down.

Categories | Movies, Post-Job Series, Links

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In case you didn’t get to go to a long graduation this year, here’s a cool speech someone on the UU blogs posted.

About you:

But I hope you don’?t walk away from the challenge. Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. You need to take up the challenges that we face as a nation and make them your own. Not because you have a debt to those who helped you get here, although you do have that debt. Not because you have an obligation to those who are less fortunate than you, although I do think you do have that obligation. It’s primarily because you have an obligation to yourself. Because individual salvation has always depended on collective salvation. Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.

About America:

A place where destiny was not a destination, but a journey to be shared and shaped and remade by people who had the gall, the temerity to believe that, against all odds, they could form a more perfect union? on this new frontier.
And as people around the world began to hear the tale of the lowly colonists who overthrew an empire for the sake of an idea, they started to come. Across oceans and the ages, they settled in Boston and Charleston, Chicago and St. Louis, Kalamazoo and Galesburg, to try and build their own American Dream. This collective dream moved forward imperfectly it was scarred by our treatment of native peoples, betrayed by slavery, clouded by the subjugation of women, shaken by war and depression. And yet, brick by brick, rail by rail, calloused hand by calloused hand, people kept dreaming, and building, and working, and marching, and petitioning their government, until they made America a land where the question of our place in history is not answered for us. It’?s answered by us.

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I just saw Star Wars. Quickly turn away if you haven’t seen it!
..
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I don’t know if I’ll write any spoilers in here, but I hate to hear anything before seeing a movie. Wow. It was better than I expected, and better than some people told me it would be. Now that I’ve seen it, I can finally go read Roger Ebert’s review. It was intense and I felt more sad after seeing it than during the movie. I’m just so sad that Anikan turned bad, and I’m sad that he had to burn up like that. I think the reason it really pulls at me emotionally is because it mirrors many of the feelings I’ve had as our nation has gone to war and as people have voted for less freedom. It just hurts that people can get so caught up in a fake enemy and resort to killing people to “liberate” them.

Padme was just about to say, “There’s still hope.” Sometimes when I have felt down about political decisions people have made, I take the long view. I think, “well, there will be another ice age and it will all be wiped out. Not to worry, the damage isn’t permanent.” That sounds really fatalistic, huh. It reminds me of a quote I read in Finding Flow, attributed to Buddhists:

Act always as if the future of the Universe depended on what you did, while laughing at yourself for thinking that whatever you do makes any difference.

I think that’s a little heavy. (you think) But I do think that everything we do can have an effect and that an effective way to think of that is with hope- that even the little things you do make a difference, and not with guilt- that’s where the laughing at yourself needs to come in.

Oh yeah, the special effects were really cool too. :)

Categories: Democracy, Movies

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My blog has actually turned out to be more self-revealing than I intended and I’ve told friends and family about it, hoping they would drop by. It is interesting to notice the pull to share, and the pull to keep things to myself. I tend to the private side. However, I think this makes my blog a lot less interesting and sometimes less insightful. I have much better journal entries (book type journal.) I do imagine an audience for my journals, too. I write as honestly as I can and imagine people reading it 50 years or more after I am dead and long gone. Then people can make of it what they will and hopefully it will help somebody. Like someone said, we are like water we change so much. Sometimes beyond what we can even notice. Who wants to keep those images of ourselves locked in stone for all the world to see. On the other hand, I appreciate people’s honesty. If it was a more forgiving world, then maybe more sharing would be advisable. Then there’s the other kind of private, the kind that is not kept back out of fear, but out of specialness. (Although I hate that word.) The kind of beauty that you hold in your hands for a moment and then dip your hands back into the river and let it go.

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If I was in a poem mood I’d make this post into a poem. The sentiments are more appropriate for poem form because they are from a deep felt place rather than a rational one. They are all tangled up with home, and fragile like being wanted and being loved. I’m talking about church. It IS Sunday after all! :)

We had the coolest service at church today, at first. We had a guest minister from Transylvania and he read the Lord’s prayer and he sounded JUST like Dracula reading the Lord’s prayer and, I’m not kidding, he was wearing a black cape! Then we had music after amazing music. At one point we were all standing, clapping and singing as a dynamite musician was pounding the piano keys and his spine tingling voice was ringing out. It was awesome. And then another guest minister with a name like Ala Tu Tu Bab Way, (whose name used to be something like Herman Jones,) started a preachin’. Boy, he was good. This man can preach. He’s a Presbyterian and a definite “God” minister. He was talking about how he prays when the spirit moves in his heart and the spirit moves in his heart ALL the time! (Hallelujah!) He said God is his center and his core. I was really enjoying this service. Contrary to what some people might think from my last post about church, God-talk does not bother me. I love to hear people’s stories and I am truly tolerant when it comes to people’s personal religious beliefs.

But then he drew a line between the God people and the not God people, with full contempt for the people who are “just in their heads” and don’t understand the deeper things about life (aka: God.) Ouch. I felt so unwelcome. Although the sermon was definitely anti-a-theistic, it wasn’t as bad, in a way, as the last sermon I wrote about, because he’s not a UU minister. On the other hand, I can’t imagine our ministers asking an atheist minister to preach who would be so contemptuous of theistic beliefs. I hope they wouldn’t.

I was so sad. I told a couple friends how unwelcome the sermon made me feel and, I started to cry when I said it.

Heavy hearted,
I cry.
But first,
Sonya brought me flowers for my birthday and a scarf that whispers ”you belong, you belong…”
And when I cried,
They held me.
And the ones that didn’t hold me stood by my side
And pet my arm.
And I breathe
And I drink some water and I
Let the sadness and the not-home ness fall
(A little awkwardly)
And I put it away for now
And walk to lunch.

Light hearted,
I laugh.
And I joke with Dan
Always the straight man.
And we have a little adventure as we stop in at the open house
And I see us through the broker mans eyes:
Four laughing girls in flowers,
Light hearted
In this warm and light and spacious
(And outrageously priced)
Condo.
And we eat strawberries,
And some of us eat chocolate,
And we continue on our adventure,
Slipping out of the house, the ending of our story as mysterious as