hair

I wanted to learn Tom Hagerty’s scalp exercises to get the same results he has: no forehead wrinkles, lots of hair with his original hair color. (He is over 74 and still has naturally dark hair!) Previously, I couldn’t even feel the muscles at the back of the head he was talking about. Tonight I tried again and I could almost feel them, but couldn’t feel them enough to have any control over them. Bonus: If you can control those muscles, you can wiggle your ears.

Then I talked to my genius mom:

Me: How’d you do it?

Mom: It helps to look in the mirror at first. When I first started trying to wiggle my ears…

And then I stopped her because, although I knew she could wiggle her ears, it had never occurred to me that at one point she couldn’t wiggle her ears, had wanted to wiggle ears, had made it a goal to do so, and had practiced until she succeeded. !

Me: Wait, wait, WHY did you want to learn how to wiggle your ears?!

Mom: Hmmm… I don’t remember now… but at first I could only just barely see them moving. You know when you move your head out and back like you are an Egyptian?

Me: Yeah

Mom: Well, try and move the front of your face out front while you try and hold the back of your head in place.

Me: Wait… this feels really weird…

And then, wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, I could squeeze my back scalp muscles together and wiggle my ears.

“Walk like an Egyptian!!”

If you ever need to giggle, try a little wiggle. We were talking on skype and I was very seriously showing her my progress, while she was wiggling her ears too, “Look, look, did you see my ear wiggle!” Then we both started laughing.

The funniest part about this, to me, is imagining my mom looking in the mirror and trying to wiggle her ears, and going about it with the hard working dedication that she applies to most everything. Ahhhh…. funny.

Update 4/15/08: It really works! After just a day of doing the scalp exercise, the horizontal lines in my forehead are significantly reduced! I got those lines young due to my face actually freezing in that expression. :) I hadn’t been able to relax my face consistently enough or do anything else to get rid of them. WOW. This is a truly amazing result, especially after just one day.

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Women, please do not let anyone commoditize your beauty. Our beauty is being reduced and repackaged and sold back to us in a lesser form. What? Is the only way to protest not to care about how beautiful your beautiful self looks? No, do not bother with them enough to protest, flow like the river around those stick in the muds and bravely move with your OWN beauty, whatever it is.

Enjoy your beauty, don’t let them quash it. Promise yourself that no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable other people might be with your appearance, that YOU will love and accept yourself.

Many of us have experienced at one time or another that HAIR can be our own personal inferiority-complex-inducing nightmare. There is a growing hair acceptance movement. (I think Lorraine Massey might have kick started it.) I don’t know if you’ve noticed it. It’s aimed at the curly girls who’ve often had a hard time of it.

I want us all to love our own hair, however funktified it might be. If you are anyone besides our beloved super straight haired sisters, you will be able to find great advice at Naturally Curly.

Naturally curly has a hair resource page that rocks. It gives styling and product suggestions for every type of hair except stick straight hair. I highly recommend looking at this simple page and discovering what type of hair you have. They also offer a lot of product recommendations. If you go to the forum page, people give great advice about cheap alternatives that you can buy at a health food store or make at home.

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Check out Tinsel Tales on NPR for some Christmas stories, cuddle up by the fire, take a walk in the desert, look out over the Ocean and listen to some stories. I especially like John Henry Faulk’s Christmas Story.

What are your Christmas stories? I don’t even know if I have Christmas stories… let’s see…
About 8 years old: Some one rings the bell. We open the door, there is a big box almost as tall as my head in wrapping paper! The top is open! 4 kids jumping up and down and screaming! I pull out a cheerleader barbie doll from the box. Pure excitement. Our moms are embarrassed.  They look at each other. I don’t care. What food is in there?!!

About 6 years old? A man knocks on the door. I answer. I’m in my pink nightgown and robe. The man asks in a strained voice if my dad is home. He is wearing a dark jacket. He has dark hair. I am innocent. I walk up to my parent’s bedroom to tell my dad that someone is at the door for him. I am first startled when I turn around and find that the man has followed me up the stares and is standing behind me in the hall. Uh oh, maybe I should have shut the door. He yells at my dad. They move into the living room. He knocks my dad into the Christmas tree. He knocks our Christmas tree down. Hey! You knocked our Christmas tree down! I think someone calls the police. Later, I feel somewhat sorry for that man. He looked so sad.

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Theresa Dinito writes about the dread of feeling masculine:

Masculine? Masculine. Ah, there’s the rub. The real double bind: feeling masculine.

The feelings I have when I feel masculine do not fit in with the definition of masculine. I do not feel like a man or a boy. What I feel when I’m feeling masculine is unfeminine, in the artificial sense of the word. The meanings and associations that have come to form around the word, feminine, have nothing at all to do with the actual living, human female being who does indeed grow hair, bleed and heaven help us, now and then doth posses and odor less than floral in bouquet.

The artificial female-the one that is held up for women in our society to emulate, smells flowery (always), is very thin, polite, dainty, delicate, pure, clean and hair free in all the required hair free places. Any deviation from one or more of the above requirements tips the scale over into the realm of unfeminine. Many deviations lead us down that dreaded road toward, masculinity…

It is a scale. Have you ever noticed that very petite women can be “firecrackers.” It’s like, they are petite enough that they can also be loud and opinionated and be seen as “feisty” instead of “bitchy” and still be a “feminine” “firecracker” rather than “emasculating.” (The qualities that men label “emasculating” say a lot about what men’s inner masculinity/femininity scales are like and what qualities they need to compare themselves to to feel masculine.)

I am tall, strong, hairy, and don’t wear make-up. I also have an hour glass shape which, combined with my long hair, tipped my scale safely towards feminine. Then my feet started hurting, so I started wearing clunky supportive shoes. Then I cut my hair.

The shoes and the short hair seem to have tipped my inner scale and it is teetering towards “masculine.” I don’t like this, in case you were wondering.

The teetering scale is probably why the size and gender of the people I’m around can tip it one way or the other. This is lame. I need, to totally mix my metaphors, to re-set my feminine set point so that it includes more of who I am, or to just not care. I want to feel comfortable in my skin again no matter who I’m around.

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For the past year or so, a creeping feeling of masculinity has wafted around me. I’m tall and I cut my hair short and I wear sturdy shoes. (Oh my!) I’ve always thought my face looks kind of boyish. And I’m around all these short, petite, skirt wearing woman. I feel the same way I’ve heard uncomfortable men describe themselves; as oafish and tongue tied in comparison. On the other hand, I feel strong. They are little and I am big, so, naturally, I feel protective.

The feeling of masculinity even made me wonder if I might be bi-sexual. I’ve scanned my memory and my emotions for sexual feelings towards women. (There was that one dream.) After such a scan, I have to admit that I am safely on the side of heterosexuality. I only want to have sex with men, and that’s the definition, right?

The only cure for feeling masculine? Being around men; strong men, with muscles. What a relief! I feel little again. I notice how curvy I am. My voice gets higher. I feel comfortable in my own skin. My face feels sweet and angelic, not masculine. Isn’t it strange? My embodied definition of feminine must be: “smaller” which I can only be in comparison. What a lame definition of feminine. I wish our culture didn’t put that kind of lameness on women. I wish I hadn’t absorbed it.

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Let’s hear it for good bosses! My boss knows what I do and what I like to do. He lets me own my job and praises me when I take initiative. He encourages me to take on projects that advance our goals at work and that also advance my career and are in my areas of interest. He knows what’s going on overall, is very smart, and never micro-manages my work. At our meetings, he keeps our group informed about the what is going in our wider organization and gives us the big picture about how we fit in. He talks to us like we are strategic partners and listens to our ideas and lets us run with the ones that we have made a good case for. He is a motivating. I feel like I can actually contribute and grow in this job.

There is another person who works here who is not my boss but is about at my boss’s level. She was the boss of the person, who quit abruptly, who used to be in my position. I learned this slowly over time and it made sense of the previously puzzling decision to place me in the department I am in. She micro-manages the people under her to the hilt. In fact, they are required to cc her on every work email they send out. Interestingly though, she seems to have no idea about what is actually going on or about what her people do.

I’m mostly in a different area than her, thank goodness, but I’ve been given a talking to twice by her. Today I was prepared, but last time she literally didn’t let me speak and I had to close the door after she left and cry (just a little) in frustration. It made me want to quit. Today I was given a talking to for handling a confusing situation well. She told me that in the future, I should ask her or someone else in authority what to do. This highlighted the contrast between her and my boss so well. If I took the whole story to him right now, he would be impressed at my initiative and problem solving skills and tell me to keep up the good work. She is just mad that she wasn’t kept in the loop, I suppose.

I could make this whole post a bullet point list about good and bad bosses. In this case I think it comes down to:

Good boss

• Wants to give his team power.

Bad boss

• Wants to take power away.

pss: If anyone from my work ever sees this, I’m talking about a different job.
pss: I think I will make a list.

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You can read part 1 here, and part 2 here.

I told my co-chair that it was time to get things going. We still had an official vote to cast, an exit survey to fill out, and a flower activity to do. When people turned their exit survey back in to us, we gave them a flower. Then asked them to exchange flowers with people who they wanted to express appreciation to. They could keep exchanging flowers and were to always only have one flower. (This worked really well by the way- it was the brainchild of my awesome co-chair.)

Oh yeah, give a person a flower and a compliment and they will start to soften. I had no expectations, and was surprised to hear people say that I bring a loving energy into the room, and am kind, friendly, (and praise worthy and of good report. ;) (It’s like they saw through my gruff beer swilling exterior to the big teddy bear inside.) Then we announced that our unopposed candidate for co-chair was unanimously voted in and she gave a speech. My co-chair and I promptly sat down. “We’re done!” she whispered to me. I felt a little like we had perpetrated a scam on the incoming leaders. “We get to sit down now!”

Then the new co-chair gave my co-chair and I big bouquets of flowers, count on her to do something thoughtful like that. She also handed us cards that everyone signed! That surprised me. “We should thank our steering committee” I said starting to feel slightly generous. My co-chair thanked our committee, thanked everyone for coming, and invited everyone to return to socializing.

“Wait,” an older woman said, “I have something to say.” “Oh hear it comes.” I thought. This woman had complained by email before and was to me the most irksome type of complainer: the non participating complainer. I held the air in my chest. “I just want to say,” she said “as someone who isn’t involved in the nitty gritty of the group and just occasionally comes for the showy stuff, that you people make it really easy to come here. No matter how long I have been away, you always make me feel loved and welcomed. Thank you.” A space opened up. Some unknown tightness melted and my beer swilling, gruff doppleganger faded away. I took a deep breath.

A couple more people thanked us publicly and then people went back to talking. I was relaxed and talking to people with out the tension of defense.

The last person I gave a flower to while we were doing the flower activity was my co-chair. I looked in her eyes and we both started to cry. “You taught me about serving rather than taking.” I told her. “I’m so glad you asked me to be your co-chair. I wouldn’t have said yes to anyone but you. I’ve learned so much from you.” “I’ve learned so much from you!” she said. She told me that I was so kind and was really a good person in a deep way. I was surprised she could see my kindness. I’d been feeling so gruff. “You are so kind and yet you are so opinionated!” She said. I laughed, “I am so opinionated!” I think we both had open suprise in our eyes, amazed that maybe the other person admired us as much as we had been admiring the other.

I drove home from the party with deep breaths of air circulating through my lungs, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of me, feeling deeply relieved, lightly bewildered, and happy.

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This year as co-chair of our “young adult” group was challenging. Members of our steering committee who committed to serve flaked out leaving us with a larger than expected work load. We made several dramatic decisions (with due process) that people who founded the group were upset about. I felt a lot of pressure about keeping up the technical side of our group, some of which I wrote about earlier. My co-chair and I were the people everyone complained to and who people in our group and in the larger church wanted things from.

Even though I was dealing with adults, I could relate to the harassed look mothers of young children sometimes have. Like a young mother, sometimes the only thing to do to get relief from being pulled at and demanded from is to institute some discipline. We set rules and boundaries, and I went from feeling harassed and unappreciated to feeling gruff and curmudgeonly.

It wasn’t all bad, I enjoyed leading the meetings, especially as the new format for our steering committee meetings cut them down from a couple meandering hours to one very productive hour a month. Our goal was to empower people in our group, and soon people realized that if they complained they better also be ready to step up and do something about it. This brought out leadership in some unexpected people, and they started to take ownership of the group, which is what we wanted. I loved working with my co-chair who has natural leadership ability and who I continually learned so much from.

Still, with my new job, the downsides of being a leader, and the suprisingly upsetting behavior of a guy at our church who I have been feeling harassed by, I was ready not only to be done with leadership in our group, but maybe with our group altogether.

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Laura is a writer, artist, entrepreneur, internet sex goddess, and friend, among many other things. :)

Happy Birthday to you ,
You are a ram too,
I wish you love and happiness!!
And moons that are blue!

I created this drawing in dreezle, then took a screenshot, then downloaded Painter 25 and copied the screenshot into it, then saved it to my desktop, then downloaded Art Rage and imported the saved screenshot into it, painted over the screen part of the screen shot, and finally uploaded it to blogger. MY COMPUTER SUCKS.

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Hey all ya’ll! Just got back from my first day of work. Here is my advice to me and you. If you have additional advice, I’d love to hear it!

1. Make everything as convenient as possible: convenient haircut, under 10 minute meals, convenient transportation. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
2. You work for you. Do your best job you can for your company, and remember to keep your list of accomplishments updated and to keep your eyes open for opportunity. Don’t misplace your loyalties. Don’t bond to an entity that can’t bond back, and while doing your best job now, remember your long term goals.
3. Choose your tasks with awareness. As set in stone as job descriptions sounds, there is usually some leeway to follow different paths. Sometimes women are used to being in support positions and helping someone else achieve their dreams, even at work. Make sure you take what leeway you have in your job to create. Be the architect of your own dreams.
4. Decide not only what you will do, but how you will do it. I like to ask myself, how can I make this fun? I realized today that for me it is fun to have friendly relationships at work. Asking myself, “How can I make this fun?” reminded me to seek out human contact even though I was feeling shy.
5. Add pleasure to your daily routine. Do you just love a certain author? Get the book on tape to listen to while you drive to work. Put a postcard size replica of your favorite painting up in your cubicle.

I don’t know how parents can take care of their kids and work full time jobs. Working parents of the world, I salute you. Future husband, please start doing something that you can earn enough money working part time at and still help support our future family. I’ll work on that too.

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Community with the real ability to be me
Come together on a Sunday morning.

I avoid God
But find human love
And find it is vast and warm
Like the sun on a lazy sailing on the ocean day
We shall overcome
Sing it sister.
And I sigh and roll my eyes at all the meetings I chair and co-chair.
I am realizing the grown up blessing of contribution and giving to something larger than myself
The Dhali Lama was right after all
And I’m proud that here I am
I made this choice
Another sign of age
When my life is more about what I’ve decided than the hand of cards I was dealt
I saw what I made and it was good.

Feeling my feet on the ground. I made this. I choose this.
And the earth is finally round and small enough for me to see my way clear
To take my next step
The crest of the horizon just visible ahead.
My feet are strong and sure even when the wind of disappointment and sadness blow across my heart.
I come home energized and tired
A day full of letting myself feel and be real,

We gave money to the people of New Orleans today
I honor our open minds, loving hearts, welcoming hands
And my willing
feet.

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Me without Tivo means me watching wayyy too much T.V, but that is a post about functionality and human performance for another time.

Me watching wayy too much T.V. means my brain getting affected by the not too subliminal messages they are sending my way. I felt myself wanting to look a certain way tonight- even dye my hair. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but after living without thinking anything is wrong with me, I recognize the “I’ve got to fix myself” restlessness.

You can see the anti- “you’ve got to fix yourself” Dove commercial at Starling Fitness. Dove may be doing it for promotional reasons, but the Photo Exhibit is still pretty cool.

The foundation of the tour was the Dove Real Beauty Photo Exhibit, where nationally recognized female photographers were asked to share images that they felt defined real beauty.

Check it out. My guess is that you are beautiful too, or at least interesting and fun to look at. Seriously, if you take what you have and enjoy it, you can still revel in yourself, even if you are not what you originally dreamed. I’m keeping my hair.

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When parents come to visit…

You look so beautiful!

You look really nice today.

I bet everyone has been telling you how wonderful your daughter is.

I just love your daughter. We’re good friends.

I don’t want to go to lunch without you today.

Your daughter is a great leader, she’s a natural. I don’t know what our young adult group would do without her.

Oh, she is wonderful. She is so talented we have got to get her back into doing plays with us again… And she’s funny!

Naturally, I introduced them to all my favorite supporters! Then, I was so full with appreciation and love, my face was shiny and my voice was bouncy in a way it hasn’t been in a long time. The public noticed, the park ranger even got in on the act.

You are so charming! I deal with the public all day and I just love it when people like you come along.

It continued into the evening…

I can’t believe you recognized me from behind! It’s so good to see you! Thank you for saying hello!

All the men were buzzing around you like bees around a flower.

You have a lovely face. And such a gentle nature.

“Aren’t you proud,” I said to my mom after my abundant day, “that everyone likes me so well?”

I knew you were wonderful, it’s just nice to know everyone else does too.

Just can’t seem to get enough, can I ;)

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A list of wants that are buyable, ’cause my family keeps asking.

The big one, in descending order of cost

• Ecologically built house in a co-housing neighborhood by the mountains and the sea, in the country near a city, close enough that I can ride to it on a bike, or a train. :)
• Ecologically built house
• House
• Townhouse
• Condo
• Very small condo

Technology (may add specifics later)

• New computer! A tablet pc (sorry mac, but I want a tablet.)
• Printer
• Scanner
• Video camera
• Digital camera
• Voice recorder

More

• A combo CD player, tape player, and radio that has good quality sound and is fairly small.
• A tempurpedic mattress. (I have one of the pillows and I like it, but I think I need a softer one.)
• A softer tempurpedic like pillow.

I can live without but would be nice if you happen to win it in a contest

• New fuel-efficient, part-electrically powered car

Other car stuff

• Oil change
• General check up
• Air conditioning
• CD player for my current car
• Tape player for my current car

Services

• Training with Steve Andreas (seriously, I really want to take all these trainings.)
• Personal Sessions with Steve Andreas
• Personal Sessions with Connirae Andreas
• A haircut from Devachan salon or a certified Devachan hair stylist

Highest priorities from my Amazon wish list

• The Five Keys to Permanent Stress Reduction by Neil Fiore
• The Science of Fitness with Tamilee: I Want That Body! by Tamilee Webb -ok I couldn’t wait, I just bought this for myself today. A steel butt by Christmas! Actually, I did start using this over two years ago. I paused the video during the intro to look at Tamilee’s little half moon butt on the TV screen. I stared at it while thinking positive half-moon butt thoughts. She used weights during the piddly 15 minute work out. I was training for a marathon at the time and could not get through the whole 15 minutes even without weights! I swear to you that within 3 or 4 times of doing the video I lost 3 inches off my booty. And I did eventually get a perfect half-moon butt! It was amazing. Then I had to stare at my own butt in awe. A friend told me with true feeling in her voice that she loved my butt. I eventually moved to the longer Firm videos. Now my butt looks like a large ballooning doughy lump of dough, starting to dribble down the back of my legs (seriously, this all is more than I intended to write) and I don’t have the time or inclination to do the whole Firm videos anymore, so I’m going back to my half-moon roots. (Hey! If I ever start a production company, I can call it Half-Moon Productions! In honor of my booty’s glory days!)
• Making Friends with Death : A Buddhist Guide to Encountering Mortality by Judith L. Lief
• Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day: A Guide to Starting, Revising, and Finishing Your Doctoral Thesis by Joan Bolker
• City Comforts: How to Build an Urban Village, Revised Edition by David Sucher
• Creating Optimism : A Proven, 7-Step Program for Overcoming Depression by Alicia Fortinberry

You can find the cheapest online prices for books including shipping costs at Fetchbook.

Hair Products (Thank you to the great site Curly Links for the list)

• TRESemme Conditioners - Vitamin E Moisture Rich or Pro Vitamin B5 & Aloe Remoisturizing or Vitamin E & Aloe Colour Revitalizing
  
• Aussie Moist Conditioner
• Soft Sheen Carson Optimum Care Stay Strong Conditioner
  
• DevaCurl Conditioners
  Buy from NaturallyCurly.com’s CurlMart
  Buy from Devachan Salon

• TRESemme Smooth De-Frizzing Moisture Gel
• TRESemme Tres Gel Clean-Hold
• LaBella Lots of Curls Extra Hold Styling Gel

Surprises from the Heart

I have a friend who usually does not want anyone to give him conventional gifts. He thinks they are too commercial. He often gives handmade gifts and requests the same. For his birthday he asked for homemade gifts from the heart and got some great gifts. So, besides books, an ecologically built house, and styling gel, I would love homemade gifts or other gifts from your heart.

Most of the things I get complimented on were gifts from my gracious family. Their generosity is everywhere.

Merry (planning for) Christmas!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Want to create your own wishlist without all the copy and pasting? Here are some wishlist sites (untested by me.)

• The things I want
• Kaboodle
• Wishlist

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Things I’m not good at: remembering what people’s cars look like, having any idea when my period is coming.

My first clue is when I suddenly start crying and feel that life is really not worth living and wondering how I will make it through the next 80 or so years. So, last night my teacher says something to me and it makes me cry. Luckily only one side of me is weak; my right side. I don’t know what this means, but sometimes if I am trying not to cry but can’t help crying, only my right eye will cry. This is very useful if I’m a passenger in a car, as I’ve had many opportunities to discover. One side of me can be relentlessly leaking while I’m carrying on a normal conversation with the ignorant driver.

Last night, I tried to pass off my crying as something in my eye, and this could have been a success. I also used my time honored tradition of thinking of a rock. I don’t know why this works for me , but it helps. I even drew a picture of a rock on my notebook paper. Yes, I’m a 30-something master’s student and I was trying not to cry in class by repeating everything my professor said in my head while looking at a picture of a rock, so I didn’t have time to say to myself, “Nobody likes me!” As I said, this could have worked. Then my professor, who had continued teasing me, ’cause we’re just that kind of fun loving class and I can (usually) take it, came up to me during the break and said with his kind little eyes, “You know I was kidding, right?” My averted eyes and non-committal mumble caused him to repeat. Then my classmate next to me tried to joke with me. I had to hurry and leave. Don’t look at me with kind eyes when I’m thinking, “rock!”

I rushed down 3 flights of stairs to a bathroom in the basement that I found when I was new and didn’t know where my classes were. Yes, it was where I remembered it from 2 years ago. The whites of my eyes were both bright red, and I started sobbing witht he gasping breaths and everything. Then it was just unrecoverable. My face was blotchy and wet and the sight of my crumpling face in the mirror was making me laugh between sobs. Then someone knocked at the unisex bathroom door. A man with a long beard, a red bandana, and some peircings was leaning against the wall waiting. I hoped he didn’t think the unflushed stuff in the toilet was from me.

Outside I was suprised by a beautiful sunset, which always helps. The air was crisp and I walked quickly towards my car, thinking, “I’ll look in the mirror of my car and if I can look like I wasn’t crying I’ll go back to class.” Unfortunately, I got in a crowded elevator full of psychologists. They were talking about feelings and how you should just express them. Everyone got off at another floor except me, and one little dark-haired lady. Do you know how you can hold it together as long as no one speaks to you? Or if they at least speak to you in an impersonal tone of voice? “Are you ok?” She asks me. Still, I manage to nod and not cry. “Do you want to talk about it?” I don’t know what I mumbled. “It it helps, I am a psychologist.” Well, thanks a lot lady. Now you’ve done it. I just started sobbing, my crumpled blotchy face beyond help. True to form, I felt despair of life ever being worth living for the rest of the night, and to top it off, Tivo messed up and did not record Gilmore Girls. Sometimes it’s the little things that count. I have to go back to class tonight with the same proffesor. The friend I went crying to, who also made me cry again, has advised me to say that I had a lot going on that day and had to leave, and that’s why I missed the computer simulation about system models.

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Today as I was stretching in NIA, after we were dancing to music as we thought of something/s we’re really greatful for, I thought, “I’m going to think of what I’m greatful for everyday. I’m going to post everything I’m greatful for on my blog! I’ll do it everyday until the end of the year! I’m going to rename my blog ‘Braidwood Praises,’ or “Braidwood Thanks.’ ” Sometimes I’m just TOO much!

Well, I just read my email, and I am going to have to amend my posting strategy. First I’ll post everything I’m bitter about, then I’ll post greatful. That will work much better.

Bitter:
GA! Everyone is nominating my co-chair for our church’s outstanding service award!!! This is very annoying for many reasons. Most of all it is annoying because I was going to nominate her- I had no thought of myself- really. But I thought I would nominate her in private so it wouldn’t look like an inside job because we are co-chairs. I was feeling all proud of her and glad she would be nominated. And then at our meeting someone else publicly nominated her, and someone else seconded it and now she just thanked two more people who nominated her on our email list!! Well isn’t that sweet. Here I am having long email conversations with people who: don’t like the way we vote, don’t understand how our list works, need such and such, and she is emailing a thank you to her many admirers. I really like my co-chair. (GA!) and like how we work together, so I knew I had to get this out somewhere. Again, GA! This is so irritating. I’m finally sympathizing with that protoypical invisible office worker who really runs everything but gets no credit. Oh yes, I have worked long effective hours. So, I ran a bad meeting once. GA!!!

Oh yeah, and I’m greatful for:
The rain, the cuddly cat, warm Mexican style chicken soup, Gilmore girls, that people let me be their co-chair (GA!!!) ok scratch that one for now, my fun projects I am working on, my talents, that I like dancing, the fun parties I went to this weekend, that my friend came to NIA with me, that I have fun Christmas and Thanksgiving plans, my new NLP guide. GA! Goddammit, give me some credit! (Sorry, sudden reversion to bitter.) And… I’m very greatful I did not give this link to my church group!! Ha! :) People who have it, and you know who you are, SILENCE!

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This is one of those passed around emails that I thought was worth passing along.

Old age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometime despair over my body … the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror, but I don’t agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself. I’ve become my own friend. I don’t chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn’t need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to overeat, to be messy, to be extravagant. I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until 4 a.m., and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60’s, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love… I will. I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the bikini set. They, too, will get old.

I know I am sometimes forgetful. But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten … and I eventually remember the important things. Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one or when a child suffers, or even when a beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turn gray, and to have m youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face… I can say “no”, and mean it. I can say “yes”, and mean it.

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don’t question myself anymore. I’ve even earned the right to be wrong. So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever, but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be.

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I watched a Gilmore Girls episode on TV last night. (I love the Gilmore girls) and Lauralai’s love came back. The thing I liked about it was that she wasn’t crying, there was no drama. She was watching movies she liked and going to the diner and hanging out with her friends and going to work. It was almost strange to see someone acting like that on TV who broke up with their boyfriend just two episodes ago. BUT it felt so real. So grown-up. When you are past that crying/drama phase and are just quietly, achingly longing. Anyway, she was watching a movie, just fine at her house, and he knocked on her door. I don’t know how she did that, but you could feel the quiet longing. They had the moment in the movie she was watching be about losing a man, which was unneccesary. I could already feel the ache. Then there was a knock. Just like there would be a knock in real life and the hairs on the back of your neck would stand up, “Could it be him?” But you wouldn’t get excited or even check how you look, because you know very well by now not to expect anything, and then you go to the door and it is him. And it is a miracle and you just hold each and kiss as hard as you can and don’t say anything.

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Remember when I was going to tell you all about my plans for my Summer of Inner Transformation? I had actually already written down a complete plan, but instead of my plans, tonight I’ll tell you about my synchronicities.

I was offered 10 free sessions of Somatic bodywork (I don’t know what it is either) from a classmate in one of my NIA classes. Tonight in NIA, our teacher ended the class with Feldenkrais exercises. I felt so different as I started walking after the excercises, lighter but heavier- more connected to the floor. Then our teacher mentioned that she teaches a class in a neighborhood near mine. It’s only $10 a class. I’m going to do it. Tonight I got a haircut which is outer transformation, but ya’ll know it’s inner transformation too. I have CURLY hair and the last (EXPENSIVE) hair cut I got was a mess. I got this haircut as a trade. Rock on, craigslist.

I finished my CD! It took several hours of work for several days in the recording studio and it has 5 songs and totals 12 minutes! Phew! It was fun. Now I’ve restrung my guitar and am waiting for the strings to settle in. Woo! :) I heard about a group starting the Artist’s Way journey and I jumped on the bandwagon. I think it’s just what I need. I’ve been a slacker on my Morning Pages for the last couple of days. How do all you working parents do it?

Categories | My Life, Well Being, Health, Beauty, Links

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Every now and then I have an “armchair activism” hour (or two) and write letters and call my representatives. It was scary to call at first, but so far a young sounding person answers pretty quickly, takes a message and asks if I am willing to give my name and my zip. I am. That’s one case where I don’t prefer to be anonymous. Today while sending letters through the super easy Act For Change site, I came across the following quote.

Former Secretary of State Colin Powell has strongly opposed the proposed amendment. “The First Amendment exists to insure that freedom of speech and expression applies not just to that with which we agree or disagree, but also that which we find outrageous,” he said. “I would not amend that great shield of democracy to hammer a few miscreants. The flag will be flying proudly long after they have slunk away.”

It was in a letter that opposes banning flag burning. It’s a hot issue. (ha ha :)

Categories | My Life, Democracy, Activism, Links

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There are good days and bad days. Today is a good day for me. :) A list of my blessings:

My new roommates don’t yell at me. They ask me how my day went and respond to like questions. Yay! :)

I got a job! Yay YAYAYAYAYAYYA! Does this mean I will have money???? I mean, to spend on clothes and non discounted groceries and stuff? A whole new adventure awaits me. ;)

Not only did French Toast Girl leave a comment on my blog, she linked to me! French Toast Girl is one of those people who is so talented but not inaccessibly famous and I vacillate between jealousy and admiration. I can’t help it! But jealousy has a good side, it can show you what you aspire to. I don’t aspire to being a great artist, but I do aspire to having a life filled with love, which leads me to…

Another blessing! I know my neighbors and they are down to earth and nice and easy to talk to and it’s been a long time since I could walk over to my neighbors and say “Hey, whatcha doin?” Thanks, neighbors.

I like my family. Wow. Today my mom called. (Good luck studying!)

I met with my co-chair about a meeting we are putting together. (I’m a co-chair for a group at my church.) It’s work, and it makes a difference, and it feels good to contribute.

I talked to one of my best friends and we are going to the fair tomorrow.

So, all in all, a good day. Many blessings. Thanks, world.

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Ani DiFranco has some mighty funky music and some of it moves me mightily. This particular track is fairly accessible. I recommend listening to Stydying Stones, turning off the lights and dancing, or drawing a sad picture, or leaning back in your chair and crying. Ani’s songs make me want to dance.

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