friends

Let’s see… real life stuff:

After taking my car (which was running just fine) for a check up in preparation for a road trip to the mechanic today, and paying $500 to get a new… something… plus new hoses, clamps, a light, and stuff, I drove my car home and now my car will not make it around the block. It has died. I am very sad. It was only 20.

Because my car died, I missed my farewell dinner with my improv group. I called them and told them I couldn’t make it. They did not cry. I could hear happy eating noises in the background.

I called the mechanic who said my car’s unexpected death probably has nothing to do with what they did to it today but he knows some towing companies I could call if I want to get it towed in and have them take a look at it. He said I could pay for that.

I decided that what I would do is get in bed and cry. Then make dinner, then maybe walk the half hour to my improv class.

While I was eating dinner, someone from my improv class called me and said they were worried because I hadn’t made it to class yet.

I was so embarrassed that I immediately jumped up, put on my coat, grabbed my keys, and headed out the door thinking that I would walk so fast that they wouldn’t know I had just left when they called.

As I was walking down the street a white car drove by and made a quick turn around near me. It was the woman who had called me. I panicked and lied and told her I was just walking to the grocery store to get ice-cream, but sure, I would go to improv with her instead. No, I didn’t hear her message, I was just walking out the door when I heard the phone ring. La, la, la… (I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me, I still feel guilty about it.)

We got to improv. I was very embarrassed. I lied again and told everyone I had been abducted by pirates and then escaped and had been abducted by bandits and that’s where I was when my improv friend saved me. I couldn’t believe no one called me on it.

The class was really fun and I only felt embarrassed once when someone looked at me funny and I wondered if she could tell I had been crying. On the other hand, I never wear make up and my face without make up is similar to the pasty and puffy look I get when crying, so maybe I was safe.

When class was getting ready to end, the guy next to me threw his arm over me and said, “Don’t go!” It was sweet. I think he likes me.

My improv friend drove me home and I said she could drop me off at the grocery store so I could get ice-cream. I did. And then I was abducted by pirates, but they said I could still write in my blog.

The end

Related posts

• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• meloDRAMA (0)

In my recent quest to learn everything I can and finally be totally perfect and have a wonderful life! I’m reading: First Impressions: What you don’t know about how others see you by Ann Demarais and Valerie White.

It’s very informative and I can see many blunders in the people around me, but the authors said to focus on evaluating myself. Oh.

It turns out that I have a LOT to learn about making first impressions! After reading this book, I’m surprised that I have any friends at all! It’s really highly informative and I think it will be useful, but it’s also overwhelming.

I’m going to avoid the temptation to list everything that I could improve, that might be banal and provide more detail than you would like to hear.

Also, it might be construed as complaining. According to the book, complaining is seen as the most boring type of conversation. Complaining even provokes hostility because it involves

“the boring person’s violation of a norm that prohibits ‘the wholesale boredom of others.’”

I would tell you more about what is in the book, but as a good conversational partner, I now want to hear about YOU! YOU! fabulous YOU! I am completely interested in, and can’t wait to hear, what you have to say. (It’s true!)

Ok, your turn! What do you think about me and what I had to say?

Related posts

• You can’t say you can’t play (Part one) (1)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• What’s your type? (or, Please can this be a meme!) (0)

The author of the Blue Zone has studied long living populations around the world and now has advice for YOU online.

The advice about living longer always says stuff like: have a close circle of loving and supportive friends and family, economic stability, close access to nature, and interesting work. OH BOTHER, close friends and family… well, I guess if it makes me live longer…

Well, duh. I mean, of course I want all those things!

The trick is GETTING those things. I’ve lived what is probably a third of my life and I’m still working on getting all that.

So, I am taking a few simple tips and from the site and putting them into practice:

1. Get rid of your full size plates and use 9 inch plates instead. OK! THAT I can do.
2. Put movement into your everyday life. This one is cheating ’cause I already do that. ;) Walking is pleasure and a perfect stress reliever for me. I’m going to try and boost this one by inviting friends to go walking with me more often.
3. And, I’m going to make more of an effort to go to church every week. I’m blessed to live 20 minutes away from a church with an amazing minister. I might as well take advantage of that.

What are three simple things you can do to live a longer and happier life?

Related posts

• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)
• The Religion of Diet (3)

Sometimes it is harder than it looks.

1. Give it time. Give each other space
2. Put some experiences between your relationship and friendship. (Find another romance.)
3. Don’t bring up old romantic memories. Talk about other things.
4. Don’t talk about your new romantic interests. Definitely don’t describe how hot you think they are. Talk about other things.
5. Decide why you want them in your life. If it is for physical affection, it won’t work.
6. Don’t compare your new and old relationships.
7. Do things with your other friends as well.

Related posts

• "O" (2)
• You can’t say you can’t play (Part one) (1)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)

My mom is (very happily) married to her 4th husband, so even though I am single, I have seen a lot of different types of marriages up close and I feel that I am highly qualified to answer this question. (Just kidding, I think everyone is highly qualified to answer this question. That’s why I asked! :)

My answer begins with who you should marry:

I think it makes sense to marry someone you are crazy about, someone who lights up your life and twinkles your toes, and is a decent person who treats people kindly, who is willing to work on a relationship, and who has goals that are compatible with yours.

So, if things aren’t going well and you think maybe you want out, should you call it quits? I have three answers for you:

1. YES

I think that if people are in abusive relationships, they ought to get divorced RIGHT AWAY! Don’t try and fix it! Get thee out!  The hard part is, what is abusive? That can be a trickier to answer than you would think when you are in a relationship and much easier to see when you finally get out.

If someone hits you, sexually abuses anyone, or in any other way degrades your soul, then I would JUST LEAVE (make you sure you research how to do it safely if you are worried about the other person hurting you- make your safety your highest priority.)

2. MAYBE

I just read on the Divorce Busting site that 1/3 of the marriages ending in divorce are abusive. That means 2/3’s aren’t.
If you are not in an abusive marriage, and you never felt twinkly about the person you are with, and you don’t have kids, I just don’t know. My only advice is that you do everything you can to improve the relationship and even if you decide not to try and keep your marriage alive, at least do everything in your power to be a true friend to the person you married.

I think that if you do decide to get divorced even after you make every effort to improve your relationship, the thing that will comfort you is that you have a healthy relationship of some kind and that you treated and continue to treat the other person very well. (And who knows, you might find that you can create a very satisfying relationship with the person you are with after all.)

3.Do Your Best To Save Your Marriage

If you once felt twinkly about your partner, if the person just annoys the hell out of you, you have lost interest in them, if you feel repeatedly rejected because they have lost interest in you, if you no longer find sex satisfying or any other host of problems- but they are not abusive, and especially if you have kids,

Then I would say do EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in your power to make it work.

I’m thinking about this right now because I stumbled across the site: Divorce Busting and while I am very, very glad that divorce exists for anyone in abusive relationships, and I HIGHLY recommend high tailing it out of there (you can be so much happier when you are with someone who treats you well, you won’t even believe it), there are many people whose families are torn asunder who probably could have mended things if they had just known how. That is really tragic.

I really wish some of my friends, and my friend’s parents had access to this information back in the day.
Especially interesting articles from the site:

1.  The Walk Away Wife Syndrome
2. Hopefully Ever After 
3. He Must Be Teething

Related posts

• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• What I’ve learned: Advice for the working woman (0)

I got in a rare argument with my mom last night. I threw out the wild and crazy idea that our family could get together and have a reunion every year for a week. She said that it was ok to want that but not to expect that to happen. I said that I thought getting together for *ONE* *WEEK* a year didn’t seem like an outrageous thing to expect and if my family couldn’t prioritize that amount of time for me then maybe they were more like acquaintances than family and I would get my own other family!

Then I said I had to go because I had an improv class. She said, “What, you can’t even prioritize talking to me on the *phone*?” “No!” I said. Then we both said, “Bye, I love you.” Because neither of us wants to leave with bad words in case one of us dies before we talk again.

Oooh I was irritated all the way to improv class. I needn’t have worried, because it’s easy to be happy in improv and tonight was especially funny. The theme of the night was “Yes, AND…” There are all kinds of “Yes, and” games. The idea is that someone throws out an idea, and WHATEVER it is, you agree with it and add information. (It’s very much like dancing.)

Say you have a scene where you are in a bank and your partner says, “I love that ballarina outfit you’re wearing!” You don’t say, “I’m in a bank, why would I be wearing a ballerina outfit?” You say… anything that agrees with their reality. “Oh thank you! I love the tights, but do you think the tutu is too much?” Or…”Yes, darling, it’s intermission at Swan Lake and I have just enough time to cash my latest honorarium if you wouldn’t mind letting me just tip toe ahead of you in line.”

You even “yes and” offerings that you find sort of repulsive. “Didn’t you used to date George Bush?” “Yep, we went out for a couple months. We met in rehab.”

It was an especially funny night, I was glowing from the laughter, and as I was driving home my mind turned back to the argument. I imagined answering some improv friend’s questions about my fight with my mom: “Yeah, I think that if she had just said. ‘Yes! That’s a great idea! It would be so awesome to get together with all of our family! I love that idea. We could even rent a boat or something!’ Then I would have been happy. Then we could talk about ways to make it happen and find out if it might or might not work….”

“Yeah, good point, I could have yes-anded her too. ‘Yeah, you’re worried that it’s just not going to happen and you want me to be happy about whatever amount of time I do get. Yeah, I hear you, you don’t want me to be disappointed.’ True, I could have said something like that. And I often do, when I’m in a more mature mode. Plus I know I toss out what sound like wild ideas to my sometimes cautious mother and I have empathy for where she is at and her concerns for me. But, come on, I wanted one month a year, so I’d already brought my suggestion down to what I thought was crazy reasonable before I said it!”

My imaginary improv friends lost interest at this point. Rude.

Now you know how to respond to me when I tell you an outrageous idea.

Just tell me that you like my tutu and leave it at that.

Related posts

• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Real Life Update (5)
• Love and Survival (1)

Laura over at Pick Me! posted about hoarding today. I started to respond but it got so long that I decided to make it a post instead of a comment.

*

I grew up with a hoarder and I couldn’t stand it! I was always embarrassed to have my friends over. I wasn’t allowed to throw popsicle sticks or plastic spoons away. Not only couldn’t we throw spoons away, my mom would actually bring home her used plastic spoons from restaurants. We had a whole drawer full of plastic spoons. We had 5 boxes full of rock salt filled with rabbit pelts that my mom was going to make into mittens someday.

I carried those 5 50 pound boxes in two different moves. I was opposed to them killing the rabbits I raised, opposed to saving ridiculous things we were never going to use, and opposed to the hard, meaningless labor of carrying the boxes. Grrr… (Hey, I just thought of something I could say in groups when the leader says to introduce yourself and tell people a fact about yourself that would surprise them!) We had a whole bunch of USED toothbrushes. I threw some of these away once and my mom got very upset with me.

If I lived in my childhood home now it would be fun to do a photo journal of all the strange stuff that we had. Very out of date medicine, old jars of canned tomatoes, piles of fabric, boxes of old game and puzzle pieces, closets full of old clothes, corners crammed with dead relatives furniture, one room just FULL of paper- literally piled to the ceiling with paper, including piles of charity solicitations with free address labels. My mom would keep all the paper work in case she wanted to use the free address labels or free cards they sent. Then she would send them money before she used them.

When I lived with my mom for a couple years as an adult, I made a deal with her that I wouldn’t touch the basement if the upstairs could stay clean. When I got particularly frustrated, I would throw everything that I thought was clutter over the banister down the stairs. (Don’t try this at home.)

I’ve read that hoarding is a reaction to loss and the hoarders in my family did have a lot of loss. It adds credence to the theory that when my mom got remarried she got rid of at least 2/3 of her stuff. It was amazing. It was like she was coming alive again and breaking out of some old tomb and throwing off the shackles of the paper and the unmatched game pieces! In reverse, my auntie, who I love, has become more and more ensconced in things since her husband died.

I love getting rid of things if I know they’ll have a good home. I take car loads and car loads of things to thrift stores. (I don’t shop much so I don’t know how I end up with carloads of things to get rid of.) I live in an apartment without much storage space, so when I decorated for Christmas, I just bought strings of lights at a thrift store for 50 cents and took them back after the holidays! And I love that no new things have to be manufactured when I buy them from a thrift store.

I keep things that are beautiful, useful, and/or happily sentimental. I love that I have distilled the objects around me so that everything I see in my room is something I love. (My roommate is a minimalist and probably thinks I’m a hoarder, so it’s somewhat relative.)

I did learn some good things from my mom’s hoarding behavior. I learned that random bits of junk can be useful in art projects. I think that thriftiness and ecology was tied into my mom’s hoarding behavior. She wanted to use everything and everything has a possible use. It’s like recycling. It’s important to me to recycle. I love composting although I don’t compost right now. (no yard).

I also would never throw useful things in the garbage that someone else could use. I’ve seen other people throw perfectly good CLOTHES into the garbage. GASP! No way. Someone could use that!! So, maybe the basic premise of the hoarder has been passed onto me, I just don’t feel the need to store the objects in my space when there are perfectly good libraries and thrift stores to do that job for me.

* Some of the flowers I bought myself with the flower money my mom sent me this Valentine’s Day with probably my favorite collage I’ve made n the background. Made at my mother’s house it is comprised of a bottle of glue I was going to use as glue, it was dried out though, so I cut it open and taped the glue and glue bottle to the collage, which I put in an old frame we had lying around.

Tags: hoarding, mom, family, thrift, recycling, grief

Related posts

• Love and Survival (1)
• Just in time for the holidays: My Christmas Wish List (0)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)

Hi,

My name is Braidwood and I can not stand books that are fundamentalist when it comes to gender. You know the ones, “The Rules”, “Men are from Mars, Women don’t have a penis.” (or something like that.)

I have a couple friends right now who are really into a workshop that tells them all about what men are like and how men like to be talked to. (ARGH) It’s irritating, but because I love them I’ve thought about the appeal and I think it is this: relationships can be confusing and a set of simple rules can be comforting. “Finally, things will work out. I didn’t know these rules before, now I do, and I will be loved.”

I think the frustrating thing about it for me is that it is so all or nothing. I’m sure there is some good advice in programs like that, but it is either so freaking simplistic or the advice may be good but not attributable to gender. For example, one piece of advice is to ask a man to help you rather than blame him for not helping you. Men are so different than women, so it is probably hard for you women reading this to understand, but men actually prefer someone to say to them, “Will you please help me do the dishes?” rather than, “Why are you such a slob?! Why haven’t you done the dishes already!!?”

I know, it’s revelatory. I’m starting to question my femininity though because when I haven’t done the dishes I prefer that my roommate asks me to help rather than accuses me of being a slob too! Does this mean I’m not really a girl!?

So… it reminds me a lot of horoscopes. I sort of think it is funny to read a different month’s horoscope to people, because people who believe in horoscopes will say “See! That is so me!” No matter what you read. (I know, mean trick, but it’s so sadly funny.) I did the same thing once when my mom got a copy of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

My mom, my boyfriend, and I were driving in the car and my mom wanted us to read to her while she drove. I thought it was inane upon first flip through and didn’t want to read it. My mom and boyfriend started in on me *didn’t I know that men and women really are different? — Do I think they’re the same?? — So, I gave in and started to read to them, but I read everything it said about men as if it said it about women and vice versa. “This is so true!” They said, ” You have to admit, this is is so true.” “There’s some truth to it” I admitted, “but don’t you think some of the things I read about the other gender are also true for you?” “Not really, not like what he says about men/women. It is so amazing!” It’s amazing alright.

““““““““

*I always think it’s funny that the first thing people exclaim when I tell them that I don’t hold some stereo-typical view they hold (and these stereotypical views are always different- women are clean, men are messy; men are organized, women are flaky; women are pragmatic, men are more romantic; women are more romantic, men are staid; men focus on details, women see the big picture; men see the big picture, women focus on details! “Tastes great, less filling!”) is that men and women are different! How can I not believe that! Like just because I don’t believe in their stereotype, I have trouble telling men and women apart. HOW DO I FUNCTION with this mental impairment??!

It just makes me laugh. What is all this fuss about men and women being different? Are a whole bunch of people insecure that they are about to be mistaken for the other gender or what? I don’t understand where this intensity around this issue comes from. I know that men and women are different. You would think that as a non-bisexual person, people wouldn’t have to question me knowing that. I only want to have sex with one gender- clearly some differences must have crossed into my blood brain barrier. I just think the differences are self-evident.**

** (I think that if someone has to intensely argue for certain differences, maybe they doth protest too much.)

Related posts

• Real Life Update (5)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)

I stumbled across what I fear may be an anti-feminist blog. I went ahead and posted a comment anyhow because this particular post didn’t offend me. Hopefully I have not added energy to the dark side. (imagine “dark side” said into a fan for the right effect.)

Here are my edited comments about Research on Female Preferences in Men over at, (yipes!) Feminist Critics:

My experiences:
Whenever I’ve heard a guy say, “Women say they want nice guys, but they don’t really.” or something like that, and the guy saying that is implying that he is nice, but women don’t like him, he never actually is nice. I’ve never heard an actual nice guy say that. I wonder what the men who say that think of as “nice.”

(Maybe they mean superficially polite, begrudgingly following the cultural rules and miffed that she still won’t sleep with him? I don’t know, this is pure conjecture.)

Personally, I do like manly men. (If we are defining “manly” as “probably having a lot of testosterone.”) I once heard a show about the effects of testosterone on mens voices: makes them kind of gruff and deep, and noted that my three favorite boyfriends had voices like that. All of my boyfriends have been athletic, but I don’t think they were all especially “manly.”  Two of my “manly” boyfriends were also popular and confident, which I liked. I don’t know if that has anything to do with testoterone…

So, although I do like manly men, I also like and have dated just regular men. Therefore, the differentiating factor for me is not “manliness.”  I look for niceness, (ie: grounded, at least somewhat emotionally intelligent, kind even to people who won’t benefit him), physical attraction (which I guess must be chemical and has been quite varied for me) and of course, shared humor, interests, values, etc..

What about YOU gentle reader? What do you like?

Related posts

• You can’t say you can’t play (Part one) (1)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)
• You can trust yourself (1)

Free online writing courses!

Some of these look pretty fun, like this Advanced Essay Course at MIT:

Of course, that makes me long for an interesting discussion with everyone in the class, getting to know their personalities as they share their views, watching them develop as the class goes on, getting excited together as we learn new ideas… maybe I;ll try to find something face to face in my area.

Tags: writing, free, classes

Related posts

• Real Life Update (5)
• Just in time for the holidays: My Christmas Wish List (0)
• A rant about narrow Stories (0)

Want to know how the magic happens?

Check out this post about the life cycle of a blog post.

Related posts

• You don’t have to be a lone warrior (3)
• You can’t say you can’t play (Part one) (1)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)

I’m listening to an interview on NPR with the late William Maxwell.

When asked about growing older, he said that he’s mostly a story teller not a philosopher, but he has had fleeting impressions about age, a few of which he still remembers. Once he thought suddenly, “I don’t want to leave the party.”

That is the exact thought I had when I was trying to figure out what I have against death. At the core of it, it’s that I don’t want to leave the party.

I never told you that I had a horrible, horrible experience this summer. A quiet but chilling experience that brought the reality of death to me. Not the reality of dying exactly, but the reality of the possibility of annihilation. I didn’t want to say it out loud in case it was catching.

It’s been quite a journey since then. At first I felt intense sob-producing fear. Then I felt various amounts of anxiety. Even during my recent trip to Tahoe, there was the cold reality of death nearby to come to mind whenever I wasn’t engaged in something else. While I was in Tahoe I thought, “I just wish I could forget about death!” Not forget that death exists, but to feel immortal like I used to, despite the evidence.

When I got home and was going through my mail I saw a promise from Shambhala magazine that they could teach me to be happier. Of course I read it. It said there were four basic teachings:

1. “Maintain an awareness of the preciousness of human life.” (Check.)

2. “Be aware of the reality that life ends; death comes for everyone. Life is very brief. If you realize that you don’t have that many more years to live and if you live your life as if you actually had only a day left, then the sense of impermanence heightens that feeling of preciousness and gratitude.” (check, ..um hmm?)

I haven’t laughed so hard since I’ve had a heightened sense of impermanence! I can promise that there are other responses besides gratitude to the keen awareness of the reality of death! I don’t know if anyone can relate to this making them laugh. Ahhh… It did make me feel better somehow. Like instead of mistakenly stumbling onto a horrible awareness, I am on some kind of path?? That could lead me to being happier? :)

The other thing that has made me feel better are the videos I found of my family. I watched a series of videos that my aunt put together with footage of my grandma. It was so good to see her. My mom called at 1 in the morning her time to say hi. I told her what I was watching. “That’s appropriate.” she said. “Grandma died 17 years ago today.” It was so nice to see my grandma. It made me realize how important relationships are- even though people die. They are still worth getting to know.

Maybe, like William Maxwell said, and unlike those goofy folks at Shambhala, there isn’t only the present moment. Maybe the past still exists in some way too, and all the love we have given and have been given is still here.

The other video I watched was of a party I had when I was 16. My friends were soooo beautiful! I’ve lost touch with many of them. I don’t know. Something about that video made me feel better. Maybe it made me realize that I’m not dying. I’m living. I’m still keenly aware that I will have to leave some day, but right now I’m still at the party! and I’m glad to be here.

Related posts

• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• What’s your type? (or, Please can this be a meme!) (0)
• WARNING! Watch out for the warning ahead. (4)

Last year I almost stopped going to church because I felt so harassed by someone. I finally had to learn to tell him that he couldn’t hang out with me. I wrote about a lunch I had with him last year:

I had an awkward “young adult” lunch last week after church. See, there are the old young adults who no longer eat with the official young adult group. Then there is the official young adult group whose numbers are dwindling, because there are a couple (one in particular for me) obnoxious people who others don’t want to eat with.

It’s like an inverted circle of belonging with people in the middle of the group being rejected by the people forced to the edges. Because we won’t out and out kick someone out of the group, we kick ourselves out. It’s very curious. I’ve opted to take myself out of the lunch situation altogether on most Sundays (one of the “forced to the edges folks”), or just go with a couple friends. The unofficial groups are getting bigger than the official group. (This is leading to publicity interventions that don’t work as they are missing the point of the problem: fodder for a post on performance intervention.)

Churches are usually safe places for people to be included. I know that I felt safer at church when I was a kid knowing that the rules didn’t allow out and out exclusion. I feel safer at church now for some of the same reasons, now that I think about it. Because of this inclusion, people who will not be included anywhere else often end up at a church. It’s a situation I’ve experienced at every church I’ve attended. One friend calls it the “broken winged bird” syndrome. But, we are all broken winged birds at some time. You don’t have to be cool at church. (Ahh, what a relief.) In fact, you don’t even have to have social skills. (Ahh… What a headache.)

The particular lunch last Sunday was kind of funny if looked at as a scene in a movie. One of the new older young adults (try to keep this all straight) came up to me after church and whispered “I’m co-opting you. Come to lunch with us.” The way he said it was so cute that I said I would go. As we walked out, the obnoxious guy’s girlfriend (the guy I stopped going to lunches to avoid) asked where we were going for lunch and the new older guy told her! He didn’t realize that the older young adult people purposefully excludes these people. I just shook my head. When we arrived at the restaurant, the whole young adult crew had arrived before us and were sitting with the old young adults who were clearly angry. “I thought you were going to [this other restaurant]” One of the women said to me. I know she assumed I told all the young adults because I used to be the leader. Sigh.

The table was split down the middle and we might as well have been at different restaurants for all the interaction that occurred between the two groups. Ironically, I was stuck sitting near the obnoxious guy who I stopped going to lunches to avoid. I tried to ignore him. He tried to take a picture of my side of the table. “Please don’t take my picture right now.” I said. “Are you saying you don’t want your picture taken at any events?” He asked angrily.

The truth is that I just don’t want him to have my picture because he creeps me out. In fact, let me just drift into a fantasy answer for a minute: “No.” I tell him. “I’m fine with having my picture taken at events, but I’m not fine with you taking it. Because, you give me the creeps and the way you are taking my picture gives me the creeps and the way you used to follow me around and badger me makes me angry. I’ve told you that I find your behavior invasive, and that I don’t want you to talk to me, and now, here you are, talking to me. Go away! No one wants you at this restaurant! PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE!!!”

What I actually tell him is, “No, I just don’t want my picture taken right now.” He gets angry and tells his girlfriend, “She’s just selfish. I’m doing this for the group and she is just selfish!” “She’s eating! Leave her alone!” She tells him. They fight, his girlfriend walks out. He walks out after her. She comes back in. He’s still outside. “I’m sorry.” I say to her. “It’s not your fault. I just hate it when he gets all self righteous.” she says.

Sheesh. I drove home with the friend who invited me who didn’t notice any of this. He’s surprised when I tell him that the original people were angry that the official group came. “I just think ‘the more the merrier.’” He tells me.

What do you think? Is “you can’t say you can’t play” a good rule? Just for kids or for you too? How do you balance kindness, inclusion, and yet keep healthy and happy boundaries?

Related posts

• Real Life Update (5)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Pleasant way to prevent cold/flu (0)

An NPR snippet, a conversation, and what it reminded me of.

A teacher doesn’t want any of her students to be left out anymore. She proposes a new rule: You can’t say ‘You can’t play.’

Imagine how this rule would have changed the dynamics of the elementary school you grew up in. But the first thing I thought of when I heard this wasn’t how fabulous it would be, how fair things would finally be. I heard the radio program last year (which I can’t find online anywhere,) and all I could think of was how I was finally becoming a person with the ability to say “you can’t play” to people who were treating me badly. From Yes! magazine:

…Paley recounts the long process she and her students went through to determine whether or not such a rule was “fair” and could work.

On the surface, the debate seems to have two sides – the “bosses,” or the children who make up the games and decide who can play versus the rejected children who, for one reason or another, might spoil everyone’s game. But caught in the middle are those who just want to fit in and be liked. Those who fear sticking up for the outcasts because one day they, too, might be told, “You can’t play.”

“I could play alone,” says popular Lisa during one class discussion. “Why can’t Clara play alone?”

“I think that’s pretty sad,” replies the self-sufficient Angelo. “People that is alone, they has water in their eyes.”

“I’m more sad if someone comes that I don’t want to play with,” says Lisa.

Paley intervenes with a question, “Who is sadder, the one who isn’t allowed to play, or the one who has to play with someone he or she doesn’t want to play with?”

“It’s more sadder if you can’t play,” Clara pipes up.

“The other one is the same sadder,” says Lisa.

“It has to be Clara, because she puts herself away in her cubby. And Lisa can still play every time,” says Angelo.

I don’t know. As an elementary school kid, I definitely identified with the kids in the middle. I desperately wanted to fit in, and I ached to be popular, but I was bold too. I would be friends with the outcasts despite my fears. I didn’t want anyone to be left out. Now I identify a little more with Lisa! I’m tired of including some people. I think maybe there is a reason they are left out. Maybe the people who are left out need some social skills training. That reminds me of a story… Part 2

Related posts

• Real Life Update (5)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)
• The Religion of Diet (3)

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.4
Mind:	7.2
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	8.2
Friends/Family:	4.3
Love:	2.1
Finance:	6.3
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Wow, I can’t believe my life rated well enough to give advice! I’m up from a year ago.

After taking the quiz, they said my rating was above average and asked me to give words of advice! That is a request I cannot resist.

Think about it:

I have really thought about what makes me happy and I’ve tried to implement those things. I’ve also tried to accept my weaknesses and work with how I am. For instance, TV is not a thing that makes me happy in the long run, but when I have it, I get addicted. So, I don’t get cable. My mind is much more relaxed since doing this and I have way more time for actual fun.

Healthy habits:

I write in my journal almost everyday. This helps calm my mind down.

Finances for the middle class:

I have a steady job which I don’t love but it is nice to have steady money. (I’m working on getting a job I love.) It’s very stressful to be scrambling for money. I live well within my means so that I can save every month. I decide what feels luxurious for me so I get to feel rich while living simply. For me, it is a treat to be able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want with out checking for prices. This is real luxury for me that doesn’t actually cost me that much. I’m cheap in areas I don’t care about. For example, I am content to drive an old car which means no car payments and cheap insurance.

Relationships!

The best thing I’ve done for myself is to make good relationships a priority. I was happy to be able to honestly say that I have 6-10 good friends and that I have a close relationship with my family. That wasn’t always true for me.

Advice for people who need it:

I highly recommend making relationships a priority. If you are having trouble making friends or unsure where to make friends, here are two main ways you can start to improve that.

First, learn to take good care of yourself and start with small steps. For example, start doing things you like to do, even if it is on a small scale. You want to be a famous dancer? Turn on some music and dance around in your room. What does this have to do with relationships? Your level of happiness shows up and people will be attracted to you based on that happiness.

Sometimes it can be hard to learn to care for yourself if you weren’t raised that way. Just take one small step. Sometimes, even if you were raised well, it can be so easy to forget what you love and what makes you happy. It can also be easy to not take your preferences seriously. If you really feel so much happier when you go on a walk after dinner, GO ON THAT WALK! Your happiness is important.

Next, even before you have made yourself all happy and perfect, go out and find some people to be with! Your personal balance and maturity and the health of your relationships are intertwined and you need to pursue both.

Two good places to meet people if you are feeling shaky socially: churches and support groups. To put it plainly, these are places that will accept you even if you are socially inept and to be socially ept :) you need to be around people. To be socially ept, you also need to learn a lot of skills, so do some reading about relationships, take some classes, practice some skills, learn by observation. Avoid the pitfalls of seeming desperate (which can be hard if you are just coming out of seclusion - why support groups are helpful) also avoid the pitfall of arrogance. Really try on the belief that most people have something valuable to offer you.

Tip: If you are not religious, a good church to try is a Unitarian Universalist church.

Ps: I would have loved to read other people’s advice, but couldn’t find it. What’s your happiness advice?

PPS: Once again they scored me low in the friends and family department when I think that is one of the best things about my life. Shall I be punished for my unhappy childhood forever, internet quiz?

Related posts

• Yet another resource about how to live longer and happier (0)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• The Religion of Diet (3)

Yeha! :)

Ya so.. this is my first post in my new blog home. It’s like I finally got my own house… and I don’t know my neighbors yet… and I better have a house warming party so all my old friends who thought I dropped off the face of the earth know where to find me…. but maybe I better spruce up a little first.

Related posts

• You don’t have to be a lone warrior (3)
• You can’t say you can’t play (Part one) (1)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)

I think movies reviews should be based on mood rather than plot. I don’t want to know what is going to happen- that’s why I go see the movie! What I want to know is: “Is this the movie I am in the mood to see right now?”

If you are feeling like a loser, I recommend: Sideways. People taste wine in this movie, which sounds about as exciting as playing golf to me. That, and lukewarm reviews from friends is why I never watched it. But, I was feeling sick, asked for a comedy, and took what the library guy gave me. It was good. I cried at one point when the main character described wine. You’ll see. I only laughed once, but it was a good laugh. Mostly, I cried.

For other Movies To Watch When You Feel Like A Loser, you only need to watch the movie ads at the beginning of Sideways! They include:
Garden State: For when you are feeling like a young loser.
Napoleon Dynamite: For when you want to feel jovial about being a loser and look back on your younger days of being a loser and decide that being a loser might actually have been cool.
(The ultimate feel good loser movie, of course, is Little Miss Sunshine.)

However, if you are not feeling jovial about being a loser and are feeling like an old, rather than young loser, I still recommend Sideways. It’s middle aged loser with a hint of redwood, maybe some asparagus, with a slight taste of sunshine, a note of desperation, …

Related posts

• Real Life Update (5)
• What’s your type? (or, Please can this be a meme!) (0)
• Say yes! to life! :) (0)

Yesterday, with the harried feeling of someone trudging through unwanted duties, I got ready for our service. I was using the strategy my very helpful women friends advised and was ignoring the man who had been harassing me. I was glad he was leaving me alone, but also struggled with feelings of not being inclusive. (!) (I shake my head at myself, sometimes I can take my desire to include people too far.)

After both services, hot, sticky and ready to be done, I dutifully arrived at our after-service, pass-the-torch-to-new-leadership party. Activity swirled around me. I found myself reflexively greeting a new comer while thinking, “You are doing it again. Let someone else make him feel welcome. .. But I don’t want him to feel sad… Wait until someone else greets him and walk away.”

I didn’t help get the food ready, I was the first one to fill my plate, and I took the best spot in the kitchen. I let other people greet the new people and carry on interesting conversation and when I was done eating, I took the best spot in the livingroom. There I sprawled with the breeze from outside blowing on me and made minimal efforts at conversation. I had officially turned into Red from the 70’s show! (Picture a dad coming home, always taking the best spot and drinking a beer while watching TV.) (Wow, now that I think about it, I went from traditional mom to traditional dad.) One of our needier members came over and asked if the seat next to me was taken. (Damn kids.)I said it was. She sat on my lap. I said she was light enough but too warm. She said she could take a hint. “Good” I thought as she walked over to the other side of the room.

Related posts

• Is your bucket half full or half empty? or How I used a bookstore and some onion rings to feel better (0)
• 20 Things you Love to do (0)
• You can’t say you can’t play (Part one) (1)

(not necessarily an annual event)

My friends said I hadn’t written much since I got my job. ‘Tis true! So, I thought I’d release a bunch of posts saved as drafts that I wouldn’t otherwise get around to publishing.

Be free! (Throws her arms out to the sky.)

Related posts

• You don’t have to be a lone warrior (3)
• You can’t say you can’t play (Part one) (1)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)

Written for me, by me, on this day

Go out and meet people. Be yourself. Be radiant! Radiate who you really are! Accept yourself! Wear clothes you like! Be ye not afraid. Don’t go if you don’t want to go! Forget should! Go forth boldly pursuing your goals. You do not have to give someone a chance! Make friends with who you please. Don’t apologize for yourself- whatever it is. Do what you want. Look out after your own best interest. Be wildly, exuberantly responsive when you can, with clear boundaries. You deserve to have boundaries. Just be clear and NO pressure to make promises that you don’t want to keep… go forth boldly to fulfill your dreams.

I read that a good way to solve your problems is to write a question at the top of the page and then write and write and write until you get something brilliant and usable. I must be a genius, because this is what I got in the first paragraph ;) Well, at least it is bold like William Blake says to be.

Related posts

• Hoarding (3)
• You don’t have to be a lone warrior (3)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)

Written December 22, 2005

There is an interesting study in the book How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton. It talks about POW’s becoming hopeless just because they lose a sense of camaraderie. So, to prevent curling up in a corner and dying (POW fate) this book is exhorting people to fill each other’s buckets, to uplift, and encourage each other.

I read the entire book in Borders last night. I left my house when everyone in it was having dinner together but me. I walked out, said a cheery “Ciao!” and pretended I had somewhere to go. It was late, I started driving, and wondered where I should go. I was crying so it had to be somewhere dark. I stopped by the movies but it would be over an hour until the next one started. I had gotten a slightly manic email from my mom earlier in the day saying we had 6 Christmas parties to go to and that you never know when you will meet a man! Umm.. am I in the middle of Bridgit Jones’s Diary? Suddenly the vacation I was looking forward to didn’t sound so cheery. Then my best friend went off and went skating without me, and, to top it off, there was the cheery Christmas scene at my house that I was left out of. So, I went to Borders.

I bought one book and read another. I felt immensely better after hiding in the craft section and reading How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life. I highly recommend this very simple book and might get a copy for everyone I know. I also made an interesting sociological discovery: Business books are just self-help books that use the word “business” in them and are in the business section!! They are self-help books for men! I just discovered a whole new place to browse. Then I went and got me some onion rings.

My roommate’s parents are here. They look at me and speak to me. They are sweet and it feels really good. Like my roommates, they eat my food. Unlike my roommates, they also share. I finished school today. I am now a “master.” I gave my 30 days notice to my roommate/landlord. I’m going to the movies tonight with friends. Yesterday my bucket was drained. Today it is filling up again. Goodnight! I hope someone is loving you and filling your bucket. If not, I hope you can do something extra sweet for yourself. Sometimes onion rings help.

Related posts

• "O" (2)
• The trouble turned out to be of an unexpected sort (1)
• The Religion of Diet (3)

Written Feb 17th, unfinished, but I think you get my drift. :)

AHh! I just went to a comedy club that was soo foul that I’ve got to watch Sex in the City to clear it out of my mind. Seriously. My friends who were with me have this sweet but of course incomplete idea of me as a delicate and sweet. They said, “Oh, B. you don’t like this, do you. It’s too explicit for you.” Listen, people, I know how to translate. I grew up as a little humanist in a Mormon town and I liked church. I can understand someone even if they speak in a very different language than me. I liked Hustle and Flow. What I don’t like is meaness. In the sense of small mindedness and especially in the sen

Related posts

• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)
• Yet another resource about how to live longer and happier (0)
• Who’s in your tribe? (0)

You know how when you are alone you can get into an activity and start acting unselfconciously, doing things that might surprise and embarrass you if someone else walked in and you suddenly became conscious of yourself again? Well, I am sitting on the floor of my room, my legs spread to either side of the box that I am using as my desk (my computer monitor is sitting on a milk crate,) when suddenly I become conscious of the hanger around my face. It is a plastic hanger. My face is sticking through the triangle in the middle. I’m not exactly sure how it got in this position. The last thing I knew I was reading blogs and typing comments to my e-friends. Now I have a hanger on my face. I just thought I would share that with you. I’m taking it off now.

Related posts

• You don’t have to be a lone warrior (3)
• What’s your type? (or, Please can this be a meme!) (0)
• Say yes! to life! :) (0)

Forget finding a mother duck, sometimes you just need your mother. I have several friends whose moms have died. I’m so glad I have my mom. I still have enough baggage with her to gauge which things I want to share with her when I’m feeling vulnerable, but more and more I’m rewarded for taking a chance and sharing.

Tonight she was just the person I needed to help me feel more spacious, seeing the bigger picture, feeling less alone. At first our conversation was just about the details of her next visit. I suggested she stay longer, subtext: “I’m lonely. I need you. Please come stay with me.” Of course, she responded to what I said with the practicalities of the visit, and as she said the reasons she had to leave when she did, and continued talking about the details, I felt myself going into the self-imposed state of aloneness I can sometimes go into. I decided not to do that to myself. “I’m lonely.” I told her.

Sometimes all you need is to reach out. Then we had one of those conversations that probably promted the phrase, “friendship is the sweetest balm,” when someone says just what you need to hear and brings you to another place. She told me with warmth in her voice how much bounteousness I’d added to her life, and then sympathized with the longing I feel for a special person, saying she remembered being my age and feeling that. Thanks, mom.

My mom has found love, and now whenever I picture her, it is like she is in a little cottage in a village in the woods, with animals freinds hanging out in the house, and soup cooking in the background, and a loving husband just getting home, or reading the paper, or playing with the dog and petting the cat. “Our house is a very very very fine house…“

Related posts

• The Tortoise and the Hippo (0)
• Real Life Update (5)
• Neo-Cortex vs Limbic (2)

Not your first day on earth, but your first day out of your mother’s body on earth. That is your birthday.

Because memories are state dependent, I have been remembering some of my most depressing birthdays today. The one I remember the most today is my 18th birthday. My mom and I had moved into another family’s basement, who were friends of ours. Our carpet was plaid. There was sparkly sprayed-on stuff on the ceiling. We had dark wood paneling on all the walls, except for the wall that had the giant picture of a beach on it. No, this wasn’t in the 70’s, but it might have looked a little like a ghetto version of an Austin Powers movie.

I felt embarrassed by my lack of money often while I was growing up. But on that birthday I felt most embarrassed that my mom was throwing my birthday party. It was sort of like a little kid’s party, but it might have been fine if not for her serious miscalculation resting on the faulty premise that surprise = fun. I knew about the party. That wasn’t a surprise. I was helping to prepare for it. (Surprise might have something to do with fun if it gets you out of the preparation.) The big surprise was: I had invited all these people and none of them were coming! Surprise!

After about the 5th phone call that night saying someone couldn’t come, (I lie I can’t remember how many phone calls there were,) I talked to my friend K. She had been my friend since we were in 4th grade. Apparently we were in nursery school together. It was my 18th birthday. She said she couldn’t come to my 18th birthday party because her mom wanted her to stay home and get some things done. I was incredulous, I knew her nice mom, “Are you serious? But it’s my birthday! Ask her if you can just come for a little while!” I pleaded. Later she told me that she felt really bad doing that. Of course she did! That is not a fun birthday surprise! What was my mother thinking!

After everyone actually showed up, (much to my mixed emotions,) we played stupid games. At least that’s what the people-who-weren’t-really-my-friends-but-we-were-in-the -same-circle-of-friends-so-I-sort-of-considered-them-friends-and-invited-them-like -you-do-with-distant-relatives-when-you-invite-them-to-a -wedding-even-though-you- have-no-emotional-ties-whatsoever said. Then the cou de ta of humiliation: My big 18th birthday present from my family (ie: my mother.) If the party in it’s entirety wasn’t embarrassing enough, if it didn’t just emphasize that no matter how much I tried to pretend, I did not have a happy, well-to-do, or socially ept family, I then had to open my present in front of my friends. I wasn’t surprised, (and I don’t think at that point that they were either,) to find that my present was 18 pairs of socks, each one a different color. For years after that I wore those mustard yellow, purple, bright pink, or lime green socks when it was laundry day, or when I was walking around inside. I always put them on grudgingly. I’m very happy to say that none of those socks are with us now.

The whole party was worthy of being a scene in that one movie where the kid had a big fro, and lives in a small town. (Ever since I turned 25 I often can’t remember the precise words for things. That fits in with this post because that’s depressing too, and has to do with age.) I now find my mom’s presents charming, and she usually adds a check to the mix (that was weird) which helps. On this current birthday, my mom’s present was the only thing that was not depressing. Quirky seems cooler to me now that I am older. On my cat in the hat birthday card, she gave me a message in binary, hex and decimals. I told her I was tickled by her card. “Well, she said, “I just kept trying to think: what is special about 32?” It’s 2 to the power of 5, that’s what!

Related posts

• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• What’s your type? (or, Please can this be a meme!) (0)
• WARNING! Watch out for the warning ahead. (4)

Don’t you just love interspecies friendships?

This is what happens when you have to turn to the internet for TV.

Related posts

• Sometimes you just need your mother (1)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Neo-Cortex vs Limbic (2)

Don’t get me wrong. I’m very glad I got a job and I think this is a great first job for me. The people are nice, really glad to have me, and there is a lot of growth potential in my job. Also, it’s awesome to be able to contribute in a valuable way to an organization and they are giving me enough leeway to do that. (I think. It’s only my second day, ok!) Also, I’m not going to go all Hammie Homemaker on you and tell you that I just want to stay home with the kids. (Just an expression, I don’t have kids.) Because it feels really good to create and be part of something bigger than yourself, and I always want to have that in my life

BUT

… I do want to stay home with the kids at least part of the time! And cuddle with them! It is the people that make life enjoyable for me, and meaningful! I want the people. Of course, I want the husband, and I really want the childrens, and I also want the friends and the extended family. I think I just want someone to come home to. I have so many great people in my life, but getting together with them takes coordinating. I’m missing personal connection right now. I’m the new kid on the block at work. Everyone is nice, but I’m feeling too shy to be fun. Ahhhh… I met a nice woman on the bus today. It’s weird. I’m in the same town, but I feel like I have a whole new life in some ways. I’ve met so many people in the last couple days. I was right about myself, I’m glad I didn’t move to a new time. Ok, time to stop rambling and set up my social schedule.

Goodnight, and Good luck!

Related posts

• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• Real Life Update (5)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)

Hey all ya’ll! It’s been awhile. I’m still looking for a place to live so that I can get to my new job easily. When I’ve had spare time I’ve been looking up rooms and apartments, calling places, and visiting them. It feels like a microcosm of looking for a husband. I see a lot of places that don’t quite fit and hold out for something better and then miss places that would have been better than having nothing, and I have to find somewhere to live. I comfort myself with the thought that when it comes to husbands I don’t have to settle because I don’t have to have a husband. I have high hopes for a place I’m looking at tonight.

I’ve been staying with my friend Red since the 7th. It’s actually been kind of fun. It’s not much different than our usual friendship because we do our own thing and we talk at the same times during the day when we used to talk on the telephone. We have fought less than usual. We usually only fight about ideas- we get along well in the course of living. Of course, when we talk about ideas, I find myself appealingly sagacious and him irritatingly obtuse.

He read a book called A General Theory of Love and was telling me about the ideas. I disagree with part of it and he was furious because I hadn’t even read it. So, I read it. I still disagreed with the same part of it, but really enjoyed most of it. (The part I disagreed with might be fodder for FMH because one of the author’s ideas is that it is harmful for babies to get their emotional needs met from a variety of caretakers and that the mother should be the primary emotional rock. I think that is an incredibly modern idea and that the truth is that people are fairly tribal and that a child with many caring adults in their life is going to be happier and the mom is going to be a lot happier too.)

So, today we were listening to NPR which doesn’t bode well for our happy household. They were talking about torture. I think that people can torture other people because they think of them as less than human, or as “other” and they are very loyally tied to their own “tribe” and part of that is doing the “tribe’s” will. That is how people can do horrible things and still think of themselves as a good person. We can all witness this in action in our selves. To take it to an extreme, most of us can brush our teeth or take antibiotics and destroy little life forms without guilt. Then comes the more familiar life forms like chicken and fish and cows, that many of us eat and still consider ourselves to be good people. It’s the same process. We are emotionally tied to beings we consider in our group. I think following orders that are cruel, and prejudice are some of the dark sides of a limbic brain that allows us the beautiful ability to bond to our babies and love other people, and creatures. Red, full of feeling, I think erroneously bows before this limbic system seeing it as all good and our neo-cortex as the cause of all our evils. He thinks that people can torture other people because they are not connected enough to their hearts/limbic brains.

What do you all think?

Related posts

• "O" (2)
• What’s your type? (or, Please can this be a meme!) (0)
• Is your bucket half full or half empty? or How I use