DFW: I wanted to do something real American, about what it’s like to
live in America around the millennium.

Salon: And what is that like?

DFW: There’s something particularly sad about it, something that
doesn’t have very much to do with physical circumstances, or the
economy, or any of the stuff that gets talked about in the news. It’s
more like a stomach-level sadness. I see it in myself and my friends
in different ways. It manifests itself as a kind of lostness. Whether
it’s unique to our generation I really don’t know.

I haven’t read Wallace’s books. After reading his interview, I think that the sadness in American society that he was talking about is loneliness. More and more, I think our culture has such weird expectations of how people are supposed to live- how independently we are supposed to live.

There was something deeply healing about being with my family this summer. I think it was partly all the big trees around their house, and mostly being with people who my fate is intertwined with day in and day out through the many mundane tasks of life. I loved seeing my mom everyday. It was startling to realize how much her body looks like mine. (Actually, vice versa, she would point out.) I’m not usually around people who look so much like me.

We were all together to take care of my Granddad who broke his hip, his leg, and who has Alzheimer’s. It seems to be very common in our society that people pull together after an accident or natural disaster and people report feeling surprised and uplifted by how everyone pulled together. It’s like we have to be forced into the kind of togetherness we want all along.

I admit that as humans I think we are still working out how togetherness and belonging can coexist with the freedom to be ourselves. It often seems to be that people have to make too great a sacrifice of their own selves to belong to a group. So, I can understand the wariness many people have about getting close to others.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a successful large scale model of getting to be free to be yourself and belonging. It probably exists on a small scale, in some families. As for me and my self. I was born with a very independent streak, (probably like a lot of people who find their way to the UU church) and I wouldn’t usually give in even if it meant I didn’t get to belong. I was also born with a desire for a lot of interaction, snugliness, love, and everyday togetherness.

I think I have baffled and vexed my family who values obedience and going it alone. I’ve sort of beat them into submission over the years though, persistently wanting to be near them while demanding that they let me be myself. They are actually a pretty great family to be with now. (We’re approaching nirvana - give us a couple hundred years or so.) We have gotten to the point where I think loneliness dissipates: when you can be your real self with people and still be loved.

When I found the UU church, I thought I had found my home. It’s ideals seem to match my ideals of sticking together and letting us be ourselves. We have had major problems in the last couple years at my church. For me, I did get a lot of my sense of community from the UU church and the depth of that became clear when I started to feel like I was being ousted and realized how deeply and painfully that was affecting me.

It hurt me so badly to have my efforts at problem solving not work, to be told to be quiet, to not be allowed to speak, to try and try and try again and get no back up from anyone with a position of authority, no acknowledgment of the violation of our shared values. After many, many months, -over a year- I decided to leave my UU congregation. A few people who were hurt have decided to stay and continue trying to resolve the issue. Leaving has it’s pluses and minuses. For me, more peace of mind has been a big plus, but I do miss the cheerful and convenient community of the church.

Like Wallace said later in the interview, we do need to find a way to grow up. It sounded like he liked AA. As painful as the last year and a half with the church has been, I’ve grown a lot and learned a lot about my spiritual path. I would like to find a community of spiritual practice, maybe in a church, maybe another UU church will be a part of that, maybe in informal groups.

Even if I go to a church again, I don’t think I want to get my main sense of community from a church or other formal organization again. I found that I was very dispensable. More shockingly, such a large number of us (about 40 young adult age people) seem to have been dispensable. I’m scaling my togetherness needs back to a smaller, non-official group.

I’m deciding if I want to take a NIA class this summer. I looked up NIA articles online and found one that gave me a sudden tingle in my stomach and get tears in my eyes. That feeling is a clue.

It was an article about creating space in a NIA class:

…the students created the space every morning and afternoon by coming into a circle, and becoming still in body, mind, emotions, and spirit.

I’ve been thinking about how I want to bring movement to more of our everyday lives. Especially ritual. Maybe that is why I got a teary reaction? Maybe it’s the same teary reaction I get at the end of a yoga or NIA class when I finally pay attention to myself? Maybe I’m longing for that?

Or maybe it was this song I was listening to while I read it. (I dare you to listen to the whole thing.)

* I have a computer like Carrie Bradshaw now! I saw Sex and the City tonight and when I got home I came over to write about my day just like she does on the show and I realized that I have a little desk with a little laptop on it just like she does in the show! Yay! And I don’t know what all I am, but one thing I definately am is a writer. It’s one of the answers to the question about what passion is right under my nose.

* People are wonderful: I’ve been listening to NPR and listening to these little blurbs about people who are doing good in their little areas of the world and it’s making me feel less like I have to figure out some plan to save the whole world and more like I can just do the good I can and that we can all save the world together. Of course, people are bad too, today I listened to senators or representatives grilling a general about torturing people using water boarding. Water boarding! Our country! Where the hell am I living!? It is so sad. But they were calling his bullshit- democrats and republicans alike. Good job, guys. And a law student is translating for an American man being held at Guantanamo- held for 5 years with no charges. Our government- taking people away in the night and holding them without charges, and torturing them. Um… this started out positive… and I guess the positive thing is, the horror is horrible but what surprises me more is how powerful we all are collectively and that we can really shift the direction of our world. We can have the world we want. We really do have the power when we just step in and do the good we can.

* I was walking on the beach the other day and I had a lovely thought- I imagined us collectively reaching up, taking the military helicopter flying above me, and gently setting it on the ground.

I didn’t have a chance to talk to my mom, so things to tell my mom if she is reading this:

* You would be so proud of me, I was assertive at the dentist even though they were in a hurry and was able to get information from them to make some good decisions.

In other uplifting news:
* I flipped through a book that I bought awhile ago. The author asked, “What’s your next big thing?” and it took the pressure off of me taking my next “career” move so seriously and made it seem more like an adventure.

I went from being valued at work and getting good reviews (while my old boss was here) to being disapproved of, undervalued, and feeling bad enough about it to quit. At church, I went from feeling like a part of a loving community to leaving due to actions of our lead minister and staff. Many other young adults left as well, and I left, no one kicked me out, but I still feel rejected/ejected. Also, there has been some kind of shift in my social circle and I feel like I am on the edge in some ways instead of in the middle where I like to be.

Today on the bus I imagined how I would feel if everybody approved of me. It would be such a nice feeling- I could relax and just be myself. I really take how much/many people approve of me as a measure of how well I’m doing as a person sometimes. I thought about it as I was walking from the bus to work, and I couldn’t shake the idea that if more people approved of me, it would mean that I really am better, I really am more ok.

Then I thought of my aunt, who I am a lot alike, and how much I enjoy her, how fantastic I think she is. My other aunt, her sister, often disapproves of her. She thinks she is too messy, too soft, not together enough etc… And when my aunt is around her sister, she does suddenly seem kind of bumbling, somewhat simpering, and whiny. But when I’m with her, she is hilarious, exuberant, smart, interesting, funny, and gorgeous. She is messy, but she is glorious, who cares!

I love both my aunts, and from the outside it is easy to see that my aunt who disapproves is just that way and that her disapproval is all about her preferences and ways of looking at the world. She is cleaner, more direct, more of the things we think of as “together” in our society. So? That’s her deal. My roommate has a similar personality to that aunt and I don’t disapprove of her, but I think she disapproves of me. I’ve been trying to get her approval, and I’m going to try to stop trying. It’s easier to see, looking at the mirror of my aunts, how any disapproval she feels for me is her own deal. It doesn’t mean I’m bad, and if I got her approval, it wouldn’t mean I’d be any better.

I have been disapproving of me lately. Aye, maybe thar’s the rub. Goal for today: list a few things I would feel proud of myself for, and do them.

12/12/07 Update: I have been feeling guilty for writing that my aunt disaproves of my other aunt and that my roommate disaproves of me. Maybe they don’t! guilty, guilty, guilty…arggh… just remember, reality is multi-faceted and it changes, and… did I mention that I like my other aunt and my roommate, and it says more about my state of mind than any objective truth about them, but I think you got that.

This was a list I made in Nov 2006. I’m still searching for the perfect community site, with slightly different needs now. I’m looking into Diigo.

I was recently talking with another new Unitarian on how we “sell” our religion to others. My original sales pitch was: “You don’t have to believe in anything in particular to join our group.” Her sales pitch was: “We take the best of every religion, with out taking the bad stuff.”Well I don’t think it takes a genius to see which sales pitch is better. Hers is both better and more accurate than mine. In fact, my sales pitch is so weak I’m shocked I would even say it aloud – that the best we have to offer is a lack of constraints, total personal freedom? Is this what we offer? Why join a group whose main offering is to leave you just the way you were before you joined?

…I think there is a core stance to Unitarianism, or if there isn’t one I think there is something I would like to place at its center, to give it a core stance in my mind…

I think it is a profound difference that we can believe what we want to believe, and think what we want to think, and still be in community with others. That is huge and that is why I go to a UU church. I don’t understand why I read so many UU bloggers who seem to have a longing to have some kind of belief besides good moral code in common.

Also, I don’t think that UU’s are just changed by the communities they join, they also change the community. That is what part of my sales pitch could be:

~*~The UU church is a dynamic community. ~*~
~*~Imagine a spiritual home where you can actually add your voice, energy and vibrancy to the mix rather than suppressing it!!~*~
~*~Pretty radical, huh. ~*~
~*~It’s exciting and alive and you can be a part of it. ~*~

I avoid God
But find human love
And find it is vast and warm
Like the sun on a lazy sailing on the ocean day
We shall overcome
Sing it sister.
And I sigh and roll my eyes at all the meetings I chair and co-chair.
I am realizing the grown up blessing of contribution and giving to something larger than myself
The Dhali Lama was right after all
And I’m proud that here I am
I made this choice
Another sign of age
When my life is more about what I’ve decided than the hand of cards I was dealt
I saw what I made and it was good.

Feeling my feet on the ground. I made this. I choose this.
And the earth is finally round and small enough for me to see my way clear
To take my next step
The crest of the horizon just visible ahead.
My feet are strong and sure even when the wind of disappointment and sadness blow across my heart.
I come home energized and tired
A day full of letting myself feel and be real,

We gave money to the people of New Orleans today
I honor our open minds, loving hearts, welcoming hands
And my willing
feet.

You can grow out of the syndrome, but it still hasn’t been determined if you can actually be cured. Although LRKS doesn’t usually affect adults as severely, some of the tell signs of a relapse include: always being the person to initiate hugs, calls, and visits; asking people for food and letting people pay for food; and always being the last person to leave the party. A cure may be a ways off, but viable treatments include earning enough money to buy food at restaurants, paying for massages, and most of all, accepting that you are too old to ever find the having-parents-take-care-of-you situation. Alternative treatments have been proposed, but as yet have no clinical data to back them up, they include: asking people for help with no expectations; not asking for help from people more needy than you; taking care of yourself as if you were your own good parent; and sitting in the lotus position with your hands held in a gesture of surrender.

There are always rumors of a possible cure, but the ingredients are so rare as to be untenable for most sufferers. The proposed cure includes many of the above treatments with the addition of a loving, open, affectionate community, plentiful food, and several years of being held and kissed every night by somebody who really loves you.

I guess for me having people share my life and care about me means that they help me, and the meaning of the help (that they really do care and that I can count on them) is more important than the help itself. Sometimes I am so needy and it’s embarrassing. I wanted to call my friend this morning and ask him if I could visit just so he could hug me, but I didn’t know what he would say. I told him later, and he said he wanted to be there for me to support me. Tomorrow he is coming over to help me pack. Other people have offered to help me move all of my stuff on Saturday, and tonight I had the advance decorating crew.

Two girlfriends who I feel really comfortable with came over, ate my very home spun meal with kind words, and helped me move my decorations to my new place. These included scarves, pictures, and assorted knickknacks. We moved the furniture, moved it again, hung pictures, considered fung shui. I needed an advance decorating crew to make this move feel positive. I just had this image of moving into a new place and sitting in a bare room for a month as I slowly settled in. It seemed so depressing after making my current room so cute. Friend S was going to bring sage to clear out the energy of past residents. Friend A was going to bring her baggua book. They both forgot, but they couldn’t have done any ceremony or positioned things more fung shuily to better accomplish what I needed than what they did. To have people really consider, with earnestness, where you should hang your Buddhist prayer flags, and find just the right place for your poseable Aragorn action figure is like a magical dispeller of loneliness.

I wrote this a couple days ago, and the idea of “community” has come up several times since then. This post is about how neccesary for community it feels to have people know and care about the details of my life.

The Freevolution is happening now as free and open source software methodology is being brought to the design of the physical world.

Hmmm… sounds exciting. And thanks to my aimless surfing, now you too can hear personal recommendations from PANDORA! VERY cool. I know I’ve posted about Pandora before, but they now have a free version which is supported with ads. I’m listening to “Half a Person” by the Smiths. YAY! This recommendation they gave me is based on one of my favorite songs, “Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town” by …. it’s escaping me right now. Red? Help?