This episode of “I WANT” brought to you by a person listening to rock music and the letter “I”

Watching TLC at my aunt’s house…

I have learned one valuable thing from my incessant TV watching: I think I need to improve my dressing. I’ve been watching What not To Wear. I used to think they were rude, but now I love Clayton and Stacey! (I still think it’s a little rude.)

Also, it’s against my value system to spend a lot of money on clothes. I buy ALL my clothes at the thrift store. YES! It’s true! So, I am going to buy myself some nice clothes. Since I hate to shop, I’m going to buy my stuff on myshape.com. Hopefully I measured myself correctly. Watching the show and seeing that people who feel like me about clothes often have underlying insecurities made me think that maybe updating my look to a professional woman in her mid-thirties would be a good thing to do. (I have loads of underlying insecurities.) Who am I now? What do I want to project to the world? I am not going as far as wearing high heeled pointy toed shoes though. Oh, NO.

It’s an interesting issue that I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I’m not sure yet if my life is matching up with my values. I’m still working it out. And like Alicia Silverstone says, it’s not all or nothing.

Here’s a list of what I think of animal rights and what I do:

Eating

I think that it is ok to eat animals and animal products, but not ok to be cruel to them. I don’t think raising or eating factory raised animals is ok.

What I do: I only buy fish or birds to eat. I try and buy “organic” “free range” birds and wild caught fish, but it’s really hard to tell how the animals were actually treated. It might be easier just to be vegetarian. I eat eggs but only “cage free” eggs. I buy eggs from birds raised on small farms when I come across them, even if they cost more.

The book In Defense of Food has reasonable and balanced guidelines for eating in a way that is healthy for us and the earth. He doesn’t advocate vegetarianism, but does advocate eating heavy on the vegis and light on the animals. This is more of an ecological way of looking at animal rights rather than caring about individual animals as much, but he is against eating factory raised animals.

Animals I wouldn’t eat even if I were starving. They are part of my tribe.

Hunting

Watching animals die at factories on Peta is like watching animals die on the discovery channel. It’s a harsh world in some ways, but should we contribute to that? With our human ingenuity we have really pushed cruelty over the top when it comes to killing other animals, simply due to efficiency. To bring our behavior more in balance with the rest of nature, I think we should at least be as ineffective as other predators and hunt for food we eat. (We, like wolves, are predators- see our forward facing eyes and motions.)

What I do: My behavior isn’t in line with this belief because I don’t hunt. I did go hunting with my dad and older brothers when I was a kid. They taught me how to shoot a gun. I loved hunting until they actually shot a deer. Then I cried and cried and cried.

Food I didn’t have to hunt for.

Clothing

I’m allergic to wool. I have very few shoes. A couple pairs are leather. I keep my shoes for so long (decades) that I don’t feel bad about that. If everyone had my shoe habits, very few cows would need to be killed for leather. So, I guess moderation is my general principle here. I’d definitely be willing to buy shoes made out of other materials too.

I think it’s alright to buy any kind of animal made products at a thrift store because buying them at a thrift store doesn’t contribute to the industry that makes those products.

Pets and feral animals

I have a friend who is a vegan AND a biologist. She thinks that feral cats should be killed because they upset the native bird population. It’s an interesting way of looking at the issue. As a biologist, she is looking at the population as a whole, but as a vegan, there must be some concern for the individual animals. (I think it can be successfully argued that you can raise and eat meat on small farms and other ways that are in balance with the environment.) Interesting.

I think it is horrifying to kill feral cats. I think a good thing to do with them is to catch them and spay or neuter them. Growing up, we adopted stray cats that wondered into our yard and spayed or neutered them. Last year my mom caught feral cats in her neighborhood in traps, got them spayed or neutered, and then released them back into her neighborhood. So, when it comes to these cats, I think of them as individuals, but when it comes to hunting, I’m ok with hunting for food because I’m thinking of the effect on the population overall and how it balances out ecologically.

I’m not saying either of these ways of thinking are better. I’m just thinking through this and noticing these interesting inconsistencies.

Feral cat in my mom’s backyard, neutered but not killed, and still on the prowl.

Animal Testing

Cosmetics: Absolutely not ok with me. I try and make sure I only buy things that haven’t been tested on animals. To survive, I can understand eating other animals, but for the sake of looking cuter?? No way.

Medical testing

This one is tricky. There is A LOT of lab work being done on animals in research centers and universities. I would never do this work. Does this make me a hypocrite for using the medicine that comes out of this work? My Granddad is on three medications for Alzheimer’s right now. I’m glad this medicine exists. It seems likely that it was tested on animals. What do you think about using this medicine?

I went to a lecture at the university I was working at. What they found out was facinating and might help humans a lot, but when I heard how they figured it out using lab animals, I wanted to cry and retch. After seeing that presentation I thought, maybe it isn’t so tricky. Maybe the sum total of what we’ve gained by dissecting creatures physically and dissecting reality into it’s component bits in our Western intellectual tradition does not equal what we would have if we lived and thought more holistically.

Granddad who I love very much who is helped by medication probably tested on other animals.

What do you think about these issues? I would love to hear from you.

Thoughts? Insights that makes any of this more clear? Any of your own inconsistencies that you notice?

*

I grew up with a hoarder and I couldn’t stand it! I was always embarrassed to have my friends over. I wasn’t allowed to throw popsicle sticks or plastic spoons away. Not only couldn’t we throw spoons away, my mom would actually bring home her used plastic spoons from restaurants. We had a whole drawer full of plastic spoons. We had 5 boxes full of rock salt filled with rabbit pelts that my mom was going to make into mittens someday.

I carried those 5 50 pound boxes in two different moves. I was opposed to them killing the rabbits I raised, opposed to saving ridiculous things we were never going to use, and opposed to the hard, meaningless labor of carrying the boxes. Grrr… (Hey, I just thought of something I could say in groups when the leader says to introduce yourself and tell people a fact about yourself that would surprise them!) We had a whole bunch of USED toothbrushes. I threw some of these away once and my mom got very upset with me.

If I lived in my childhood home now it would be fun to do a photo journal of all the strange stuff that we had. Very out of date medicine, old jars of canned tomatoes, piles of fabric, boxes of old game and puzzle pieces, closets full of old clothes, corners crammed with dead relatives furniture, one room just FULL of paper- literally piled to the ceiling with paper, including piles of charity solicitations with free address labels. My mom would keep all the paper work in case she wanted to use the free address labels or free cards they sent. Then she would send them money before she used them.

When I lived with my mom for a couple years as an adult, I made a deal with her that I wouldn’t touch the basement if the upstairs could stay clean. When I got particularly frustrated, I would throw everything that I thought was clutter over the banister down the stairs. (Don’t try this at home.)

I’ve read that hoarding is a reaction to loss and the hoarders in my family did have a lot of loss. It adds credence to the theory that when my mom got remarried she got rid of at least 2/3 of her stuff. It was amazing. It was like she was coming alive again and breaking out of some old tomb and throwing off the shackles of the paper and the unmatched game pieces! In reverse, my auntie, who I love, has become more and more ensconced in things since her husband died.

I love getting rid of things if I know they’ll have a good home. I take car loads and car loads of things to thrift stores. (I don’t shop much so I don’t know how I end up with carloads of things to get rid of.) I live in an apartment without much storage space, so when I decorated for Christmas, I just bought strings of lights at a thrift store for 50 cents and took them back after the holidays! And I love that no new things have to be manufactured when I buy them from a thrift store.

I keep things that are beautiful, useful, and/or happily sentimental. I love that I have distilled the objects around me so that everything I see in my room is something I love. (My roommate is a minimalist and probably thinks I’m a hoarder, so it’s somewhat relative.)

I did learn some good things from my mom’s hoarding behavior. I learned that random bits of junk can be useful in art projects. I think that thriftiness and ecology was tied into my mom’s hoarding behavior. She wanted to use everything and everything has a possible use. It’s like recycling. It’s important to me to recycle. I love composting although I don’t compost right now. (no yard).

I also would never throw useful things in the garbage that someone else could use. I’ve seen other people throw perfectly good CLOTHES into the garbage. GASP! No way. Someone could use that!! So, maybe the basic premise of the hoarder has been passed onto me, I just don’t feel the need to store the objects in my space when there are perfectly good libraries and thrift stores to do that job for me.

* Some of the flowers I bought myself with the flower money my mom sent me this Valentine’s Day with probably my favorite collage I’ve made n the background. Made at my mother’s house it is comprised of a bottle of glue I was going to use as glue, it was dried out though, so I cut it open and taped the glue and glue bottle to the collage, which I put in an old frame we had lying around.

Tags: hoarding, mom, family, thrift, recycling, grief

I’m already feeling more joyful (first day of new week of class) which I think attests to the power of focus. I want to remember and help myself focus on these joyful moments. So, I’m going to write the joy points that stand our for me from the day.

For yesterday night and so far today:

Last night

Improv class: I’m funny. This may come as a shock, but it’s true. And I love being quick and delightful and having it be in a setting where that is the definition of successful, with other people who want to play with me. 10

Unexpected visitor: last night I heard a cat crying outside our apt near midnight. I opened the door and it ran in. I had NO food, and it was hungry, but after playing and exploring, it came to bed and curled up happily right next to me. I was amazed that the playful teenage kitten would be so still. It seemed very contented and I was happy it was so happy to lay there with me. Sweet little guy. 1

Today

“Lovely, lovely, lovely” My exercise buddy came over this morning and after we did yoga, he started playing around with garage band. He recorded a little guitar music and then we sang to it, making it up as went along. I was irritable from major lack of sleep (the rest of the kitten story), but when we listened to what we had recorded, we just kept laughing. At one point, he sings, “Lovely, lovely, lovely” It was hilarious. 3 Click here to listen to Lovely, lovely, lovely

When I stepped outside to get groceries this afternoon, the stormy sky had a mix of gray and blue and was magnificent. 1

At the grocery store, I was enjoying buying my loads and loads of vegetables. I am really enjoying cooking, which is near miraculous. And I felt happy to pick non-packaged food out and be getting ideas about delicious things to make with it all. YUM! 1

My mom sent me a package today. She sent a sweet Valentine’s card in it. She sent $20 for me to buy flowers with. I am in a Valentine’s mood and have belatedly hung hearts on our front door. (I don’t care if it’s cheesy) I’m going to put out my orange, purple and red heart patterned welcome mat, and I’m going to spend ALL of that money to buy myself flowers at the Farmer’s Market on Sunday. Thanks, mom. 2

I wanted to listen to music, clicked on Pandora and wasn’t logged in so it asked me for which song I wanted to base a new station on. “Crap” I wrote. (Expressing my dismay about not remembering my password.) And it made me a station based on Crap! :) And it was good! Yeah, and it produced many joy points, especially when Utah Phillips accompanied by Anni Di Franko came on. 4

My mom sent some Mormon magazines along with the clothes and card she sent me. Sigh… Oh, mother. But I read a couple articles (she knows I’m a sucker for reading.) A couple of the articles were really sweet. 2

Writing about all these joy points in my blog and laughing at them again and listening to “Lovely, lovely, lovely” again. :) 3

Go out and meet people. Be yourself. Be radiant! Radiate who you really are! Accept yourself! Wear clothes you like! Be ye not afraid. Don’t go if you don’t want to go! Forget should! Go forth boldly pursuing your goals. You do not have to give someone a chance! Make friends with who you please. Don’t apologize for yourself- whatever it is. Do what you want. Look out after your own best interest. Be wildly, exuberantly responsive when you can, with clear boundaries. You deserve to have boundaries. Just be clear and NO pressure to make promises that you don’t want to keep… go forth boldly to fulfill your dreams.

I read that a good way to solve your problems is to write a question at the top of the page and then write and write and write until you get something brilliant and usable. I must be a genius, because this is what I got in the first paragraph ;) Well, at least it is bold like William Blake says to be.

As I stood in the dressing room with my bouncy breast tissue held aloft like it was on a tray, and my toddler-like belly protruding defiantly, I thought, “Have I gone too far?” Is this reveling in all this butter contributed fat and flesh too much? Should I kick into streamline phase, build up my muscles and melt all this delicious fat off my body? Then what would I do with all the new clothes I’m buying?!” I turned and looked at myself from the side. If I jut my stomach out and make it taught in instead of jiggly, I could look pregnant. I will make a darn cute pregnant woman. Then I wondered if the old tautology was true: To get pregnant, one must not already look pregnant… Nah… Who wouldn’t want to revel in all this extra bouncy flesh with me. My rolling thighs and protruding belly look just as cute on me as they do on a toddler, right? And even though I don’t understand the sexual allure of breasts, I know that some people do.

I think my current pride in my girth is the closest I’ve come to understanding some men’s pride in their package. It’s like a female version of machismo. Well, we’ll see where all this intuitive eating and moving leads me. I’m never going back to forcing myself to eat crappola again. I’m not eating on an eating plan. I’m not running 36 thousand miles, or even 36 if I don’t want to. I am going to keep buying clothes that I like for my body as it is now. I can always put them in a box when my body changes. I don’t know why I thought I had to get my body to one specific place and try and keep it there. A woman’s body changes so much in her life, and if I have my way, it’s going to change a lot more in the coming years, and I won’t have to pretend I’m pregnant. I can have a box of clothes for different future sizes. I have room in my life for my changing body, and these DKNY jeans I’m wearing are going to make excellent early maternity jeans. So, I guess I don’t have to worry about losing my breasts to exercise. They’ll come back eventually, taught with expectation, like my toddler belly.

Thank you, Dress for Success, for my free interview suit!

If you don’t know about this organization, they provide women with free interview outfits so that they can get jobs. Usually the women are recommended by some other charity organization or government org. that is serving them, but I just called them myself and they told me to come on in. I felt idiotic asking for a free suit, but I didn’t know what else to do. They quickly put me at ease and I just wanted to cry because they were so kind to me. They set up each appointment as if you are visiting a boutique. You get a whole hour of looking through the donated clothes with your own personal shopper. Everything they have is new or like new. They have shoes, jewelry, purses, nylons, tops, and suits. I got a pant suit and a new purse.

If you have new or like-new business clothes and accessories that you don’t need anymore, Dress for Success is a very worthy place to donate to. They treat people with dignity and respect, and help them to take a step forward in their lives.

Thank you, Dress for Success!

Now all those articles that tell me to budget, and save, and give to charity will have relevance to me, as I will now be earning a regular income for the first time in years. I am going to buy new bras, and underwear, and go to the dentist, and get new contacts (one of mine has a chip in it, but I haven’t been able to buy a new one!) I am going to buy clothes that I actually like. I am going to SAVE MONEY in a, wait for it, it’s kind of an exotic idea, in a SAVINGS ACCOUNT! Yay!! I am going to have money to spend on…. You know, stuff I need and WANT?! This is very exciting and new. And to top it all off, I will get to work at a COOL place.

My years of being ultra thrifty will come in handy, because even with my planned amount of savings I will be getting a raise in my standard of living. Oh yeah, and then there are those student loans… But I don’t have to start paying those off until July, and I will still have extra spending money. So, I am going to be living it up, and getting my teeth whitened! And… and… :)

And I can finally tell all the people who so generously gave me reccomendations that I got the job. I have asked for help from more people in this time in my life than I ever have before. One of the benefits of asking for help is that after sharing my struggles it feels much more meaningful to share my joys and triumphs. Thanks everyone!

Love,
me :)

My new roommates don’t yell at me. They ask me how my day went and respond to like questions. Yay! :)

I got a job! Yay YAYAYAYAYAYYA! Does this mean I will have money???? I mean, to spend on clothes and non discounted groceries and stuff? A whole new adventure awaits me. ;)

Not only did French Toast Girl leave a comment on my blog, she linked to me! French Toast Girl is one of those people who is so talented but not inaccessibly famous and I vacillate between jealousy and admiration. I can’t help it! But jealousy has a good side, it can show you what you aspire to. I don’t aspire to being a great artist, but I do aspire to having a life filled with love, which leads me to…

Another blessing! I know my neighbors and they are down to earth and nice and easy to talk to and it’s been a long time since I could walk over to my neighbors and say “Hey, whatcha doin?” Thanks, neighbors.

I like my family. Wow. Today my mom called. (Good luck studying!)

I met with my co-chair about a meeting we are putting together. (I’m a co-chair for a group at my church.) It’s work, and it makes a difference, and it feels good to contribute.

I talked to one of my best friends and we are going to the fair tomorrow.

So, all in all, a good day. Many blessings. Thanks, world.

Categories: My Life, Links