DFW: I wanted to do something real American, about what it’s like to
live in America around the millennium.

Salon: And what is that like?

DFW: There’s something particularly sad about it, something that
doesn’t have very much to do with physical circumstances, or the
economy, or any of the stuff that gets talked about in the news. It’s
more like a stomach-level sadness. I see it in myself and my friends
in different ways. It manifests itself as a kind of lostness. Whether
it’s unique to our generation I really don’t know.

I haven’t read Wallace’s books. After reading his interview, I think that the sadness in American society that he was talking about is loneliness. More and more, I think our culture has such weird expectations of how people are supposed to live- how independently we are supposed to live.

There was something deeply healing about being with my family this summer. I think it was partly all the big trees around their house, and mostly being with people who my fate is intertwined with day in and day out through the many mundane tasks of life. I loved seeing my mom everyday. It was startling to realize how much her body looks like mine. (Actually, vice versa, she would point out.) I’m not usually around people who look so much like me.

We were all together to take care of my Granddad who broke his hip, his leg, and who has Alzheimer’s. It seems to be very common in our society that people pull together after an accident or natural disaster and people report feeling surprised and uplifted by how everyone pulled together. It’s like we have to be forced into the kind of togetherness we want all along.

I admit that as humans I think we are still working out how togetherness and belonging can coexist with the freedom to be ourselves. It often seems to be that people have to make too great a sacrifice of their own selves to belong to a group. So, I can understand the wariness many people have about getting close to others.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a successful large scale model of getting to be free to be yourself and belonging. It probably exists on a small scale, in some families. As for me and my self. I was born with a very independent streak, (probably like a lot of people who find their way to the UU church) and I wouldn’t usually give in even if it meant I didn’t get to belong. I was also born with a desire for a lot of interaction, snugliness, love, and everyday togetherness.

I think I have baffled and vexed my family who values obedience and going it alone. I’ve sort of beat them into submission over the years though, persistently wanting to be near them while demanding that they let me be myself. They are actually a pretty great family to be with now. (We’re approaching nirvana - give us a couple hundred years or so.) We have gotten to the point where I think loneliness dissipates: when you can be your real self with people and still be loved.

When I found the UU church, I thought I had found my home. It’s ideals seem to match my ideals of sticking together and letting us be ourselves. We have had major problems in the last couple years at my church. For me, I did get a lot of my sense of community from the UU church and the depth of that became clear when I started to feel like I was being ousted and realized how deeply and painfully that was affecting me.

It hurt me so badly to have my efforts at problem solving not work, to be told to be quiet, to not be allowed to speak, to try and try and try again and get no back up from anyone with a position of authority, no acknowledgment of the violation of our shared values. After many, many months, -over a year- I decided to leave my UU congregation. A few people who were hurt have decided to stay and continue trying to resolve the issue. Leaving has it’s pluses and minuses. For me, more peace of mind has been a big plus, but I do miss the cheerful and convenient community of the church.

Like Wallace said later in the interview, we do need to find a way to grow up. It sounded like he liked AA. As painful as the last year and a half with the church has been, I’ve grown a lot and learned a lot about my spiritual path. I would like to find a community of spiritual practice, maybe in a church, maybe another UU church will be a part of that, maybe in informal groups.

Even if I go to a church again, I don’t think I want to get my main sense of community from a church or other formal organization again. I found that I was very dispensable. More shockingly, such a large number of us (about 40 young adult age people) seem to have been dispensable. I’m scaling my togetherness needs back to a smaller, non-official group.

If our true will is simply droppin’ some fat to satisfy a scale, then we should be damned to a life of obligatory fitness. If our workouts are rituals of the celebration of movement, ability, and therefore life, we’re pretty magickal.

-Physical Subculture

I have a vague yearning and I’m not sure where it’s leading me, but the yearning is basically this: to have movement more incorporated into my everyday life and to have it be about celebrating life, (not about fitting into some crappy and ridiculous beauty-ideal-of-the-moment.) I want to dance, to move, and I want to bring that into our world more. I want more movement as part of rituals, for instance, at church.

I don’t want movement separated out into machines, expensive equipment, or tape measures.

It seems like we are all sitting still.

As I was searching for “Functional Fitness,” I came across the Physical Subculture gym. I’m diggin’ some of their philosophies, and I’m sure I could learn a lot from them. But, they might not have fully incorporated women in their world view. They described one of their workshops as being a gathering of brethren, even though their were women there. Uncool. They do link to Stumptuous, so that’s a good sign.

The advice about living longer always says stuff like: have a close circle of loving and supportive friends and family, economic stability, close access to nature, and interesting work. OH BOTHER, close friends and family… well, I guess if it makes me live longer…

Well, duh. I mean, of course I want all those things!

The trick is GETTING those things. I’ve lived what is probably a third of my life and I’m still working on getting all that.

So, I am taking a few simple tips and from the site and putting them into practice:

1. Get rid of your full size plates and use 9 inch plates instead. OK! THAT I can do.
2. Put movement into your everyday life. This one is cheating ’cause I already do that. ;) Walking is pleasure and a perfect stress reliever for me. I’m going to try and boost this one by inviting friends to go walking with me more often.
3. And, I’m going to make more of an effort to go to church every week. I’m blessed to live 20 minutes away from a church with an amazing minister. I might as well take advantage of that.

What are three simple things you can do to live a longer and happier life?

I went from being valued at work and getting good reviews (while my old boss was here) to being disapproved of, undervalued, and feeling bad enough about it to quit. At church, I went from feeling like a part of a loving community to leaving due to actions of our lead minister and staff. Many other young adults left as well, and I left, no one kicked me out, but I still feel rejected/ejected. Also, there has been some kind of shift in my social circle and I feel like I am on the edge in some ways instead of in the middle where I like to be.

Today on the bus I imagined how I would feel if everybody approved of me. It would be such a nice feeling- I could relax and just be myself. I really take how much/many people approve of me as a measure of how well I’m doing as a person sometimes. I thought about it as I was walking from the bus to work, and I couldn’t shake the idea that if more people approved of me, it would mean that I really am better, I really am more ok.

Then I thought of my aunt, who I am a lot alike, and how much I enjoy her, how fantastic I think she is. My other aunt, her sister, often disapproves of her. She thinks she is too messy, too soft, not together enough etc… And when my aunt is around her sister, she does suddenly seem kind of bumbling, somewhat simpering, and whiny. But when I’m with her, she is hilarious, exuberant, smart, interesting, funny, and gorgeous. She is messy, but she is glorious, who cares!

I love both my aunts, and from the outside it is easy to see that my aunt who disapproves is just that way and that her disapproval is all about her preferences and ways of looking at the world. She is cleaner, more direct, more of the things we think of as “together” in our society. So? That’s her deal. My roommate has a similar personality to that aunt and I don’t disapprove of her, but I think she disapproves of me. I’ve been trying to get her approval, and I’m going to try to stop trying. It’s easier to see, looking at the mirror of my aunts, how any disapproval she feels for me is her own deal. It doesn’t mean I’m bad, and if I got her approval, it wouldn’t mean I’d be any better.

I have been disapproving of me lately. Aye, maybe thar’s the rub. Goal for today: list a few things I would feel proud of myself for, and do them.

12/12/07 Update: I have been feeling guilty for writing that my aunt disaproves of my other aunt and that my roommate disaproves of me. Maybe they don’t! guilty, guilty, guilty…arggh… just remember, reality is multi-faceted and it changes, and… did I mention that I like my other aunt and my roommate, and it says more about my state of mind than any objective truth about them, but I think you got that.

http://www.answers.com/main/ntquery;jsessionid=1eqmn3jtxeqvn?method=4&dsid=2222&dekey=Young+adult&gwp=8&curtab=2222_1&sbid=lc04b&linktext=Young%20adult

young adult

A young adult is someone in the transition from a teenager to an adult. It is usually informally considered to encompass the period from age 16 to age 25, although the exact period varies between societies and time periods.

In many societies, young adults encounter a number of issues as they begin to hold full-time jobs and take on other responsibilities of adulthood. Young adult literature is a literary genre of books written for this age group.

a·dult ( ?-d?lt‘, ?d‘?lt)
n.

1. One who has attained maturity or legal age.
2. Biology. A fully grown, mature organism.

I go to a UU church and I’m so proud of it.

I wish that was still true.

Sermon Links: signposts of spiritual maturity

I’m looking for signposts of spiritual maturity so that I can advertise for them in my online personals ad. Right now I have just stated that I want someone spiritually mature, but that could mean very different things to different people so I want to be more specific.

I know the qualities when I come across them, but I have a hard time putting them into words. So, I’m looking for some help.

I go to a UU church and I’m so proud of it. Here’s a UU sermon that is specifically about how to be a mature UU participant in a congregation.

I had an awkward “young adult” lunch last week after church. See, there are the old young adults who no longer eat with the official young adult group. Then there is the official young adult group whose numbers are dwindling, because there are a couple (one in particular for me) obnoxious people who others don’t want to eat with.

It’s like an inverted circle of belonging with people in the middle of the group being rejected by the people forced to the edges. Because we won’t out and out kick someone out of the group, we kick ourselves out. It’s very curious. I’ve opted to take myself out of the lunch situation altogether on most Sundays (one of the “forced to the edges folks”), or just go with a couple friends. The unofficial groups are getting bigger than the official group. (This is leading to publicity interventions that don’t work as they are missing the point of the problem: fodder for a post on performance intervention.)

Churches are usually safe places for people to be included. I know that I felt safer at church when I was a kid knowing that the rules didn’t allow out and out exclusion. I feel safer at church now for some of the same reasons, now that I think about it. Because of this inclusion, people who will not be included anywhere else often end up at a church. It’s a situation I’ve experienced at every church I’ve attended. One friend calls it the “broken winged bird” syndrome. But, we are all broken winged birds at some time. You don’t have to be cool at church. (Ahh, what a relief.) In fact, you don’t even have to have social skills. (Ahh… What a headache.)

The particular lunch last Sunday was kind of funny if looked at as a scene in a movie. One of the new older young adults (try to keep this all straight) came up to me after church and whispered “I’m co-opting you. Come to lunch with us.” The way he said it was so cute that I said I would go. As we walked out, the obnoxious guy’s girlfriend (the guy I stopped going to lunches to avoid) asked where we were going for lunch and the new older guy told her! He didn’t realize that the older young adult people purposefully excludes these people. I just shook my head. When we arrived at the restaurant, the whole young adult crew had arrived before us and were sitting with the old young adults who were clearly angry. “I thought you were going to [this other restaurant]” One of the women said to me. I know she assumed I told all the young adults because I used to be the leader. Sigh.

The table was split down the middle and we might as well have been at different restaurants for all the interaction that occurred between the two groups. Ironically, I was stuck sitting near the obnoxious guy who I stopped going to lunches to avoid. I tried to ignore him. He tried to take a picture of my side of the table. “Please don’t take my picture right now.” I said. “Are you saying you don’t want your picture taken at any events?” He asked angrily.

The truth is that I just don’t want him to have my picture because he creeps me out. In fact, let me just drift into a fantasy answer for a minute: “No.” I tell him. “I’m fine with having my picture taken at events, but I’m not fine with you taking it. Because, you give me the creeps and the way you are taking my picture gives me the creeps and the way you used to follow me around and badger me makes me angry. I’ve told you that I find your behavior invasive, and that I don’t want you to talk to me, and now, here you are, talking to me. Go away! No one wants you at this restaurant! PLEASE PLEASE LEAVE!!!”

What I actually tell him is, “No, I just don’t want my picture taken right now.” He gets angry and tells his girlfriend, “She’s just selfish. I’m doing this for the group and she is just selfish!” “She’s eating! Leave her alone!” She tells him. They fight, his girlfriend walks out. He walks out after her. She comes back in. He’s still outside. “I’m sorry.” I say to her. “It’s not your fault. I just hate it when he gets all self righteous.” she says.

Sheesh. I drove home with the friend who invited me who didn’t notice any of this. He’s surprised when I tell him that the original people were angry that the official group came. “I just think ‘the more the merrier.’” He tells me.

What do you think? Is “you can’t say you can’t play” a good rule? Just for kids or for you too? How do you balance kindness, inclusion, and yet keep healthy and happy boundaries?

Wow, I can’t believe my life rated well enough to give advice! I’m up from a year ago.

After taking the quiz, they said my rating was above average and asked me to give words of advice! That is a request I cannot resist.

Think about it:

I have really thought about what makes me happy and I’ve tried to implement those things. I’ve also tried to accept my weaknesses and work with how I am. For instance, TV is not a thing that makes me happy in the long run, but when I have it, I get addicted. So, I don’t get cable. My mind is much more relaxed since doing this and I have way more time for actual fun.

Healthy habits:

I write in my journal almost everyday. This helps calm my mind down.

Finances for the middle class:

I have a steady job which I don’t love but it is nice to have steady money. (I’m working on getting a job I love.) It’s very stressful to be scrambling for money. I live well within my means so that I can save every month. I decide what feels luxurious for me so I get to feel rich while living simply. For me, it is a treat to be able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want with out checking for prices. This is real luxury for me that doesn’t actually cost me that much. I’m cheap in areas I don’t care about. For example, I am content to drive an old car which means no car payments and cheap insurance.

Relationships!

The best thing I’ve done for myself is to make good relationships a priority. I was happy to be able to honestly say that I have 6-10 good friends and that I have a close relationship with my family. That wasn’t always true for me.

Advice for people who need it:

I highly recommend making relationships a priority. If you are having trouble making friends or unsure where to make friends, here are two main ways you can start to improve that.

First, learn to take good care of yourself and start with small steps. For example, start doing things you like to do, even if it is on a small scale. You want to be a famous dancer? Turn on some music and dance around in your room. What does this have to do with relationships? Your level of happiness shows up and people will be attracted to you based on that happiness.

Sometimes it can be hard to learn to care for yourself if you weren’t raised that way. Just take one small step. Sometimes, even if you were raised well, it can be so easy to forget what you love and what makes you happy. It can also be easy to not take your preferences seriously. If you really feel so much happier when you go on a walk after dinner, GO ON THAT WALK! Your happiness is important.

Next, even before you have made yourself all happy and perfect, go out and find some people to be with! Your personal balance and maturity and the health of your relationships are intertwined and you need to pursue both.

Two good places to meet people if you are feeling shaky socially: churches and support groups. To put it plainly, these are places that will accept you even if you are socially inept and to be socially ept :) you need to be around people. To be socially ept, you also need to learn a lot of skills, so do some reading about relationships, take some classes, practice some skills, learn by observation. Avoid the pitfalls of seeming desperate (which can be hard if you are just coming out of seclusion - why support groups are helpful) also avoid the pitfall of arrogance. Really try on the belief that most people have something valuable to offer you.

Tip: If you are not religious, a good church to try is a Unitarian Universalist church.

Ps: I would have loved to read other people’s advice, but couldn’t find it. What’s your happiness advice?

PPS: Once again they scored me low in the friends and family department when I think that is one of the best things about my life. Shall I be punished for my unhappy childhood forever, internet quiz?

You can check out her music on Pandora. I’ve bought 4 of the same CDs so far. Three for other people, one for me. If you get a chance to see her in person, she is even better, and stuns with a couple covers, one by Leonard Cohen and one by Johnny Cash.

In The Studio
Posted by on 09.13.06As I sit in a dark control room and listen to the music we’ve been recording, I look at T Bone Burnett sitting at an old Neve console holding an 80 year old guitar and wearing sunglasses and it strikes me that if the twins and I weren’t wearing Chuck Taylors we could be anywhere in the world and at any point in time over the last 100 years…

We’ve been in the studio for over a week and things are going amazing — the twins and I have been on the road for so long that we have become a live band so it’s been intimidating and exciting to be put under a microscope… it’s a scary thing to know how you really sound.

It’s such a thrill to get these songs off my chest after a couple of years of playing them on the road…we recorded “The Story” and my voice cracked before the big loud scream and we kept it because it sounded raw and real. Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept imperfection but I’m learning everyday. T Bone has taken us to church.

Love,
Brandi

I was recently talking with another new Unitarian on how we “sell” our religion to others. My original sales pitch was: “You don’t have to believe in anything in particular to join our group.” Her sales pitch was: “We take the best of every religion, with out taking the bad stuff.”Well I don’t think it takes a genius to see which sales pitch is better. Hers is both better and more accurate than mine. In fact, my sales pitch is so weak I’m shocked I would even say it aloud – that the best we have to offer is a lack of constraints, total personal freedom? Is this what we offer? Why join a group whose main offering is to leave you just the way you were before you joined?

…I think there is a core stance to Unitarianism, or if there isn’t one I think there is something I would like to place at its center, to give it a core stance in my mind…

I think it is a profound difference that we can believe what we want to believe, and think what we want to think, and still be in community with others. That is huge and that is why I go to a UU church. I don’t understand why I read so many UU bloggers who seem to have a longing to have some kind of belief besides good moral code in common.

Also, I don’t think that UU’s are just changed by the communities they join, they also change the community. That is what part of my sales pitch could be:

~*~The UU church is a dynamic community. ~*~
~*~Imagine a spiritual home where you can actually add your voice, energy and vibrancy to the mix rather than suppressing it!!~*~
~*~Pretty radical, huh. ~*~
~*~It’s exciting and alive and you can be a part of it. ~*~