*

I grew up with a hoarder and I couldn’t stand it! I was always embarrassed to have my friends over. I wasn’t allowed to throw popsicle sticks or plastic spoons away. Not only couldn’t we throw spoons away, my mom would actually bring home her used plastic spoons from restaurants. We had a whole drawer full of plastic spoons. We had 5 boxes full of rock salt filled with rabbit pelts that my mom was going to make into mittens someday.

I carried those 5 50 pound boxes in two different moves. I was opposed to them killing the rabbits I raised, opposed to saving ridiculous things we were never going to use, and opposed to the hard, meaningless labor of carrying the boxes. Grrr… (Hey, I just thought of something I could say in groups when the leader says to introduce yourself and tell people a fact about yourself that would surprise them!) We had a whole bunch of USED toothbrushes. I threw some of these away once and my mom got very upset with me.

If I lived in my childhood home now it would be fun to do a photo journal of all the strange stuff that we had. Very out of date medicine, old jars of canned tomatoes, piles of fabric, boxes of old game and puzzle pieces, closets full of old clothes, corners crammed with dead relatives furniture, one room just FULL of paper- literally piled to the ceiling with paper, including piles of charity solicitations with free address labels. My mom would keep all the paper work in case she wanted to use the free address labels or free cards they sent. Then she would send them money before she used them.

When I lived with my mom for a couple years as an adult, I made a deal with her that I wouldn’t touch the basement if the upstairs could stay clean. When I got particularly frustrated, I would throw everything that I thought was clutter over the banister down the stairs. (Don’t try this at home.)

I’ve read that hoarding is a reaction to loss and the hoarders in my family did have a lot of loss. It adds credence to the theory that when my mom got remarried she got rid of at least 2/3 of her stuff. It was amazing. It was like she was coming alive again and breaking out of some old tomb and throwing off the shackles of the paper and the unmatched game pieces! In reverse, my auntie, who I love, has become more and more ensconced in things since her husband died.

I love getting rid of things if I know they’ll have a good home. I take car loads and car loads of things to thrift stores. (I don’t shop much so I don’t know how I end up with carloads of things to get rid of.) I live in an apartment without much storage space, so when I decorated for Christmas, I just bought strings of lights at a thrift store for 50 cents and took them back after the holidays! And I love that no new things have to be manufactured when I buy them from a thrift store.

I keep things that are beautiful, useful, and/or happily sentimental. I love that I have distilled the objects around me so that everything I see in my room is something I love. (My roommate is a minimalist and probably thinks I’m a hoarder, so it’s somewhat relative.)

I did learn some good things from my mom’s hoarding behavior. I learned that random bits of junk can be useful in art projects. I think that thriftiness and ecology was tied into my mom’s hoarding behavior. She wanted to use everything and everything has a possible use. It’s like recycling. It’s important to me to recycle. I love composting although I don’t compost right now. (no yard).

I also would never throw useful things in the garbage that someone else could use. I’ve seen other people throw perfectly good CLOTHES into the garbage. GASP! No way. Someone could use that!! So, maybe the basic premise of the hoarder has been passed onto me, I just don’t feel the need to store the objects in my space when there are perfectly good libraries and thrift stores to do that job for me.

* Some of the flowers I bought myself with the flower money my mom sent me this Valentine’s Day with probably my favorite collage I’ve made n the background. Made at my mother’s house it is comprised of a bottle of glue I was going to use as glue, it was dried out though, so I cut it open and taped the glue and glue bottle to the collage, which I put in an old frame we had lying around.

Tags: hoarding, mom, family, thrift, recycling, grief

How has your holiday vacation been? (I hope you’ve had some holiday vacation!)

I’ve been thinking about the coming year. What I think I should be doing is looking for a JOB or some way to make money, but what I’ve been doing is planning my fun. I had a dirth* of fun last year and I think my neural connections have withered away from sitting in a dark secluded giant box with very boring tasks to do. Sounds like a lab rat.

*I know it’s “dearth” in the dictionary, but that looks like it sounds like someone is saying “dearest” after sucking on ice too long, and I’m leading a spelling revolution.

Martha Beck wrote about experiments done on rats and how there are some fundamental flaws in most of the research. You see, most of the research was done on rats in very boring environments. The results totally change when they place the rats in more life like enriched environments which she calls “rat parks”.

The results of my year and a half long experiment in an impoverished rat cage environment? This usually quick witted girl has gotten a little slower, I talk slower, I move slower, I don’t smile as much. The world seems grayer. I feel like I’m coming out of seclusion and I’ve started to plan all the fun things I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for them, tomorrow I’ll tell you what I have up my sleeve so far.

Tags: dogs, books

You can download and print out the goal workbook here: www.tonyrobbins.com/pdfs/Momentum2006.pdf

What are your Christmas stories? I don’t even know if I have Christmas stories… let’s see…
About 8 years old: Some one rings the bell. We open the door, there is a big box almost as tall as my head in wrapping paper! The top is open! 4 kids jumping up and down and screaming! I pull out a cheerleader barbie doll from the box. Pure excitement. Our moms are embarrassed.  They look at each other. I don’t care. What food is in there?!!

About 6 years old? A man knocks on the door. I answer. I’m in my pink nightgown and robe. The man asks in a strained voice if my dad is home. He is wearing a dark jacket. He has dark hair. I am innocent. I walk up to my parent’s bedroom to tell my dad that someone is at the door for him. I am first startled when I turn around and find that the man has followed me up the stares and is standing behind me in the hall. Uh oh, maybe I should have shut the door. He yells at my dad. They move into the living room. He knocks my dad into the Christmas tree. He knocks our Christmas tree down. Hey! You knocked our Christmas tree down! I think someone calls the police. Later, I feel somewhat sorry for that man. He looked so sad.

“At the heart of our work together is a fundamental struggle in our nation that pits confidence and optimism against fear and insecurity.”"Well, that is intriguing, Anthony. I mean, you’ve obviously really thought about this. you’re getting to the heart of the matter. I completely agree. But, like I said, I’m running on soon to be broke mode, so…. good luck to you.”

Then, with his deep, dark brown eyes, Anthony looks deep into mine and says, “I’m urging you today to make a year-end donation to the ACLU as a personal reflection of you commitment to the confident, determined, and hopeful spirit that are fundamental to protecting and advancing freedom.” (emphasis his)

“Wow, Anthony, how did you know I’m committed to a hopeful spirit and to advancing freedom? I really am. It’s like, we’re so.. sympatico… But, look, I just can’t give you a donation right now with a cheerful heart, which is my way, but I can write about this on my blog and maybe give you wider exposure to a richer audience…” (Now I feel a little guilty, he doesn’t know how few people read my blog.)

I think he’s disappointed, but Anthony has class, “Thank you for all you have done to defend freedom in this especially challenging period - and for the leadership I know you will continue to offer as we move freedom forward in 2008.”

No, thank you, Anthony. Thank you for your optimism and your clarity and your determination, thank you.

PS: As a bonus just for Anthony, here is a link to an article about Naomi Wolf’s new book which lists the ten steps that people use to turn democracies into dictatorships: 10 steps to dictatorship

Yesterday I had a dentist appointment. I need nearly $5000 worth of work done. Dang, it takes a lot of energy (in the form of money) to care for one little being’s teeth.  They are being super helpful and scheduling me in for all my work while I still have insurance.

Which leads me to the answer to Laura’s question: no- I do not have a job lined up. It just got to the point that the risk of remaining in the bud was too odious to my soul.  It remains to be seen if I will blossom. (Ack! I’m getting nervous about the leap I’m taking.)

There is an interesting study in the book How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton. It talks about POW’s becoming hopeless just because they lose a sense of camaraderie. So, to prevent curling up in a corner and dying (POW fate) this book is exhorting people to fill each other’s buckets, to uplift, and encourage each other.

I read the entire book in Borders last night. I left my house when everyone in it was having dinner together but me. I walked out, said a cheery “Ciao!” and pretended I had somewhere to go. It was late, I started driving, and wondered where I should go. I was crying so it had to be somewhere dark. I stopped by the movies but it would be over an hour until the next one started. I had gotten a slightly manic email from my mom earlier in the day saying we had 6 Christmas parties to go to and that you never know when you will meet a man! Umm.. am I in the middle of Bridgit Jones’s Diary? Suddenly the vacation I was looking forward to didn’t sound so cheery. Then my best friend went off and went skating without me, and, to top it off, there was the cheery Christmas scene at my house that I was left out of. So, I went to Borders.

I bought one book and read another. I felt immensely better after hiding in the craft section and reading How Full Is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life. I highly recommend this very simple book and might get a copy for everyone I know. I also made an interesting sociological discovery: Business books are just self-help books that use the word “business” in them and are in the business section!! They are self-help books for men! I just discovered a whole new place to browse. Then I went and got me some onion rings.

My roommate’s parents are here. They look at me and speak to me. They are sweet and it feels really good. Like my roommates, they eat my food. Unlike my roommates, they also share. I finished school today. I am now a “master.” I gave my 30 days notice to my roommate/landlord. I’m going to the movies tonight with friends. Yesterday my bucket was drained. Today it is filling up again. Goodnight! I hope someone is loving you and filling your bucket. If not, I hope you can do something extra sweet for yourself. Sometimes onion rings help.

Some movies I might want to see

1. Isn’t this a Time?
2. Tristram Shandy: A Cock & Bull Story (R)
3. Bubble (R)
4. Cape of Good Hope (PG-13)
5. Christmas in the Clouds (PG)
6. Eight Below (PG)
7. The Family Stone (PG-13)
8. Last Holiday (PG-13)
9. Munich (R)
10. The New World (PG-13)
11. The Producers
    

Movies I certainly want to see

1. The Real Dirt on Farmer John (Not rated)
2. Syriana (R)
3. Transamerica (R)
4. Something New (PG 13)

Movies I have seen
This year I most highly recommend Brokeback Mountain. Please see it and be amazed at the universality of love.