birthday

It’s my friend Adam’s birthday today (well, technically just past as it’s now past midnight.) I always forget and think his birthday is in March. He was due before me. Our mom’s were in a childbirth class together and the story goes that his overdue mom came to visit my mom and Adam met me through her belly and decided he wanted to come out too.

So, from conception he was older, but from birth I was. We were born in California and then both our families moved to Utah when we were toddlers. Our families visited each other every now and then, and I have many memories of Star Wars based play. He got all the cool toys. We even had the same baby dolls.

Adam died when we were 29. Wow. When I was planning this post in my head I was planning to say that I was over the grief of it now, which I think I mostly am, but writing that still makes me cry.

It’s funny. I didn’t remember it was his birthday until my mom mentioned it, but I did remember him last night and I think it was after midnight. I was reading about Mimi Smartypant’s mini smartypants who was playing Star Wars based play with her boy pal.

Oh, Adam. Oh Adam’s parents. I was pretty much sick with grief when he died. I did have a nice dream in the weeks after that comforted me and the last moment of it is an image I see when I think of him. Here’s how I remember it now:

I’m in a big building that looks something like a conference building. One side of the building is glass. People are walking around. It’s like a prison because we can’t get out. Someone may have announced that we can’t get out. It’s not a horrible place to be. It’s just that we have to stay there.

I’m following a man. He’s walking in front of me, somewhat purposefully. He walks along the walkway in the building by the glass wall and then suddenly, he opens a door and just walks out! I’m astonished. I can’t follow him anymore, and I’m sad he’s leaving us, but I’m glad for him that he made it outside. I watch him go, through the glass. He keeps walking, never turning back, over the broad expanse of the earth, towards the sunset.

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“April hath put a spirit of youth in everything.”
- William Shakespeare

This day is quite an illustrious day in history. You might not have realized this.

Duke Ellington and Maya Angelou were born on April 4th.

“April 4” is one of the only dates mentioned specifically in a U2 song. Tis true.

AND I was born on April 4th. Yep, it’s me birthday!*

*If you want to want to give me a present, leave me a comment telling me about something small that someone does for you that makes you feel loved.
April 4th birthdays and years
1896: Tristan Tzara, French poet
1899: Duke Ellington, American band leader
1914: Marguerite Duras, French writer
1915: Muddy Waters, Chicago blues singer
1928: Maya Angelou, American poet

April is also:
Guitar month, Humor month, AND Kite flying month. April truly rocks.

“The sun was warm but the wind was chill.
You know how it is with an April day.
When the sun is out and the wind is still,
You’re one month on in the middle of May.
But if you so much as dare to speak,
a cloud come over the sunlit arch,
And wind comes off a frozen peak,
And you’re two months back in the middle of March.”
- Robert Frost

“Spring is the Period
Express from God.
Among the other seasons
Himself abide,

But during March and April
None stir abroad
Without a cordial interview
With God.”
- Emily Dickinson, Spring is the Period, #844

More Spring poems here. (Takes awhile to download.)

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I want to be a Galavanting Monkey and marry someone with deep goodness in his family roots. Pretty much, that is the main thing I want to create in this life: a clan with deep goodness at it’s roots. LOTS of love.

Hmmm…. Maybe I should change this site to “Also a Gallavanting Monkey” “Gallavanting Monkey in Training”, “Soon to be a Gallavanting Monkey.”

Yesterday I ate a bag of M & M’s and then immediately afterwards, I had a cold. I didn’t have a cold, I was perfectly fine, I ate a normal size bag of M & M’s, I did have a cold.

Today I am practicing the art of forgiveness. My boss is giving me grief for leaving early yesterday. I want to be self-righteous in my head, but (here is the forgiveness) she is only doing her job. I should also practice truth. Here is the truth: I left because the equation of “nothing left to do today” plus, “have to walk down to my car and put more quarters in the meter” plus “my last day is soon, what are they going to do, fire me?” plus “It’s 2:00 and I haven’t had a chance to have lunch yet” all added up in my head to: walk down to my car, but don’t put coins in the meter, just drive home and eat lunch there, ’cause I have nothing left to do today and what are they going to do, fire me?

Where o where could the self-righteousness come in, you say? Well, I’m home sick today and still checking my work email and I called a Prof. to help her with her grading even though I will not get paid for my helping hours at home. So, I guess I feel like I am a good worker if not a good employee because I do get the job done and I don’t want to inconvenience anybody.

Bonus of the day: I’ve never actually talked to this particular prof. and she has an Australian accent! It really goes well with the blog I tore myself away from to call her! Also her name is Jenny which is cute and also she was really nice, which is cute, especially when I have a cold.

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Apparently, it’s national poetry month. Also national Humor Month! Also, my birthday! What a great month.

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nipples through shirts
18th birthday present
weird diets
sexier women
colonic downfall

My favorite is “colonic downfall.” ;)

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Hey, now that I figured out that fabulous (I jest) work around, I can finally post pictures to Illustration Friday again! Yay! I created this using art rage which is fun because it gives a very realistic action of real paint. Now I really want to paint again! This illo fits with the theme of speed because… Well, it sort of looks like wind blowing, or rushing water, and I did it fast, I mean, speedily. :)

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Laura is a writer, artist, entrepreneur, internet sex goddess, and friend, among many other things. :)

Happy Birthday to you ,
You are a ram too,
I wish you love and happiness!!
And moons that are blue!

I created this drawing in dreezle, then took a screenshot, then downloaded Painter 25 and copied the screenshot into it, then saved it to my desktop, then downloaded Art Rage and imported the saved screenshot into it, painted over the screen part of the screen shot, and finally uploaded it to blogger. MY COMPUTER SUCKS.

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Not your first day on earth, but your first day out of your mother’s body on earth. That is your birthday.

Because memories are state dependent, I have been remembering some of my most depressing birthdays today. The one I remember the most today is my 18th birthday. My mom and I had moved into another family’s basement, who were friends of ours. Our carpet was plaid. There was sparkly sprayed-on stuff on the ceiling. We had dark wood paneling on all the walls, except for the wall that had the giant picture of a beach on it. No, this wasn’t in the 70’s, but it might have looked a little like a ghetto version of an Austin Powers movie.

I felt embarrassed by my lack of money often while I was growing up. But on that birthday I felt most embarrassed that my mom was throwing my birthday party. It was sort of like a little kid’s party, but it might have been fine if not for her serious miscalculation resting on the faulty premise that surprise = fun. I knew about the party. That wasn’t a surprise. I was helping to prepare for it. (Surprise might have something to do with fun if it gets you out of the preparation.) The big surprise was: I had invited all these people and none of them were coming! Surprise!

After about the 5th phone call that night saying someone couldn’t come, (I lie I can’t remember how many phone calls there were,) I talked to my friend K. She had been my friend since we were in 4th grade. Apparently we were in nursery school together. It was my 18th birthday. She said she couldn’t come to my 18th birthday party because her mom wanted her to stay home and get some things done. I was incredulous, I knew her nice mom, “Are you serious? But it’s my birthday! Ask her if you can just come for a little while!” I pleaded. Later she told me that she felt really bad doing that. Of course she did! That is not a fun birthday surprise! What was my mother thinking!

After everyone actually showed up, (much to my mixed emotions,) we played stupid games. At least that’s what the people-who-weren’t-really-my-friends-but-we-were-in-the -same-circle-of-friends-so-I-sort-of-considered-them-friends-and-invited-them-like -you-do-with-distant-relatives-when-you-invite-them-to-a -wedding-even-though-you- have-no-emotional-ties-whatsoever said. Then the cou de ta of humiliation: My big 18th birthday present from my family (ie: my mother.) If the party in it’s entirety wasn’t embarrassing enough, if it didn’t just emphasize that no matter how much I tried to pretend, I did not have a happy, well-to-do, or socially ept family, I then had to open my present in front of my friends. I wasn’t surprised, (and I don’t think at that point that they were either,) to find that my present was 18 pairs of socks, each one a different color. For years after that I wore those mustard yellow, purple, bright pink, or lime green socks when it was laundry day, or when I was walking around inside. I always put them on grudgingly. I’m very happy to say that none of those socks are with us now.

The whole party was worthy of being a scene in that one movie where the kid had a big fro, and lives in a small town. (Ever since I turned 25 I often can’t remember the precise words for things. That fits in with this post because that’s depressing too, and has to do with age.) I now find my mom’s presents charming, and she usually adds a check to the mix (that was weird) which helps. On this current birthday, my mom’s present was the only thing that was not depressing. Quirky seems cooler to me now that I am older. On my cat in the hat birthday card, she gave me a message in binary, hex and decimals. I told her I was tickled by her card. “Well, she said, “I just kept trying to think: what is special about 32?” It’s 2 to the power of 5, that’s what!

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Wouldn’t it be awful to have a “dead friend” meme? But I have been inspired again by Laura, and I can’t help it. Now I want to write about all my deaths. Maybe it will quiet some of the winds of sorrow and grief that sometimes blow across my chest.

Adam, what first memories do I have that aren’t the pictures? The first picture, does it count? Is the picture of our moms face down at the beach. Only their beautiful young bodies were showing, while their large pregnant bellies were hidden in turtle holes in the sand. The story goes that my mom came to visit Sharon after having me, and Adam, who should have been born first, decided that he wanted to come out into the world too. Our moms met in a pre-natal class and he was born exactly two weeks after me. We both came into the world in beautiful mountain country, and then my mom moved, and a few cute baby pictures could have been the end of the story, but they aren’t.

Adam, carried along as babies are by fate (ie their parents), moved several states away from where he was born to the state I was being raised in. There we were, two toddlers separated at birth, together again. Again, the pictures. His wide smiling face and my thin concerned face. We sit at the beach together, two fat lumps of bundled babies. Our moms take turns sitting with us on Sharon’s front porch. We eat popsicles. We clumsily lean our faces together in a baby kiss in front of one of our birthday cakes. We take baths together. (This is what our mothers gleefully tell us when we are older.)

The first real memory? I remember being in the kitchen with him in their house when we are about 6. I remember assuming that we would one day marry when he became taller than me. He was so cute and all the girls had crushes on him, as his mother proudly told me and he smilingly and with a shrug admitted. I was amazed by his Star Wars collection of toys. He was an only child and was given heaps of toys. Although some of my memories are hazy, I vividly remember his star wars action figures and most of all his Star Wars ships. Those were so cool. The rule was, he could have as many toys as he wanted as long as he didn’t break them and took very good care of them. He told me this seriously and I was awed by the concept and by his parent’s seriousness about his toys.

My favorite pictures of Adam and I are of us dancing at my mom’s second wedding. We are two years old. His face has his usual baby expression, a happy-go-lucky dimple faced, wide cheeked good natured smile. He is wearing a green checkered jacket. I am wearing a long red velvet dress with a white lace pinafore over it. We are holding hands and the bottom of my dress is swirling out around me. My face is turned up and the expression on my face is one of pure joyful delight. Grown-up’s legs mix with darkness and lights in the blur behind us.

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Passing along a mass email my mom sent me:

A lecturer, when explaining stress management to an audience, raised a glass of water and asked, “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 20g to 500g. The lecturer replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long you try to hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you’ll have to call an ambulance. In each case, it’s the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.”

He continued, “And that’s the way it is with stress management. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won’t be able to carry on. ” “As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we’re refreshed, we can carry on with the burden.” “So, before you return home tonight, put the burden of work down. Don’t carry it home. You can pick it up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you’re carrying now, let them down for a moment if you can.”

So, my friend, why not take a while to just simply RELAX. Put down anything that may be a burden to you right now. Don’t pick it up again until after you’ve rested a while. Life is short. Enjoy it!

Then the email listed ways you can “put down the burden:”

• Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
• Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today….

…I did.

Resting in between working, sprint-like instead of marathon-like, is what helped me change a long held procrastination pattern I had. Today I rested by going to the dog park to get my cuteness fix. I like to have regularly scheduled rejuvination in my week, like church and lunch with my friends. When I wake up I write in my morning pages. What are some things you do to make clean transitions between work and make sure you aren’t holding the glass for too long?

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A list of wants that are buyable, ’cause my family keeps asking.

The big one, in descending order of cost

• Ecologically built house in a co-housing neighborhood by the mountains and the sea, in the country near a city, close enough that I can ride to it on a bike, or a train. :)
• Ecologically built house
• House
• Townhouse
• Condo
• Very small condo

Technology (may add specifics later)

• New computer! A tablet pc (sorry mac, but I want a tablet.)
• Printer
• Scanner
• Video camera
• Digital camera
• Voice recorder

More

• A combo CD player, tape player, and radio that has good quality sound and is fairly small.
• A tempurpedic mattress. (I have one of the pillows and I like it, but I think I need a softer one.)
• A softer tempurpedic like pillow.

I can live without but would be nice if you happen to win it in a contest

• New fuel-efficient, part-electrically powered car

Other car stuff

• Oil change
• General check up
• Air conditioning
• CD player for my current car
• Tape player for my current car

Services

• Training with Steve Andreas (seriously, I really want to take all these trainings.)
• Personal Sessions with Steve Andreas
• Personal Sessions with Connirae Andreas
• A haircut from Devachan salon or a certified Devachan hair stylist

Highest priorities from my Amazon wish list

• The Five Keys to Permanent Stress Reduction by Neil Fiore
• The Science of Fitness with Tamilee: I Want That Body! by Tamilee Webb -ok I couldn’t wait, I just bought this for myself today. A steel butt by Christmas! Actually, I did start using this over two years ago. I paused the video during the intro to look at Tamilee’s little half moon butt on the TV screen. I stared at it while thinking positive half-moon butt thoughts. She used weights during the piddly 15 minute work out. I was training for a marathon at the time and could not get through the whole 15 minutes even without weights! I swear to you that within 3 or 4 times of doing the video I lost 3 inches off my booty. And I did eventually get a perfect half-moon butt! It was amazing. Then I had to stare at my own butt in awe. A friend told me with true feeling in her voice that she loved my butt. I eventually moved to the longer Firm videos. Now my butt looks like a large ballooning doughy lump of dough, starting to dribble down the back of my legs (seriously, this all is more than I intended to write) and I don’t have the time or inclination to do the whole Firm videos anymore, so I’m going back to my half-moon roots. (Hey! If I ever start a production company, I can call it Half-Moon Productions! In honor of my booty’s glory days!)
• Making Friends with Death : A Buddhist Guide to Encountering Mortality by Judith L. Lief
• Writing Your Dissertation in Fifteen Minutes a Day: A Guide to Starting, Revising, and Finishing Your Doctoral Thesis by Joan Bolker
• City Comforts: How to Build an Urban Village, Revised Edition by David Sucher
• Creating Optimism : A Proven, 7-Step Program for Overcoming Depression by Alicia Fortinberry

You can find the cheapest online prices for books including shipping costs at Fetchbook.

Hair Products (Thank you to the great site Curly Links for the list)

• TRESemme Conditioners - Vitamin E Moisture Rich or Pro Vitamin B5 & Aloe Remoisturizing or Vitamin E & Aloe Colour Revitalizing
  
• Aussie Moist Conditioner
• Soft Sheen Carson Optimum Care Stay Strong Conditioner
  
• DevaCurl Conditioners
  Buy from NaturallyCurly.com’s CurlMart
  Buy from Devachan Salon

• TRESemme Smooth De-Frizzing Moisture Gel
• TRESemme Tres Gel Clean-Hold
• LaBella Lots of Curls Extra Hold Styling Gel

Surprises from the Heart

I have a friend who usually does not want anyone to give him conventional gifts. He thinks they are too commercial. He often gives handmade gifts and requests the same. For his birthday he asked for homemade gifts from the heart and got some great gifts. So, besides books, an ecologically built house, and styling gel, I would love homemade gifts or other gifts from your heart.

Most of the things I get complimented on were gifts from my gracious family. Their generosity is everywhere.

Merry (planning for) Christmas!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Want to create your own wishlist without all the copy and pasting? Here are some wishlist sites (untested by me.)

• The things I want
• Kaboodle
• Wishlist

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Hey, did I mention that the other day was my MOM’S BIRTHDAY?! I didn’t think so. Even worse, I haven’t sent her a present yet. If you see this, D, Happy Birthday!!! Your daughter loves you! :)

While I’m on the topic, I’ll just brag about my mom for a minute. Let’s see, she ran a 50 mile race this year, she came in second, which was disappointing, because last time she ran she came in FIRST!! She is brilliant and got a math scholarship to college, which she went to when she was 16. She sometimes does not think she is as brilliant as she is (see: “came in second” above.)

She is usually pretty quiet in group settings and people find her amiable and likeable. She can become fascinated with things like bugs and genealogy; she’s in touch with her inner nerd. She also has a very earthy side and likes to hike, run, and be outdoors. I know this sounds a little like a personal, but I’m sorry, she is already married. She is married to a semi-southern all gentleman who perfectly suits her. Whenever I think about him I just fill up with gratitude that they found each other. Thanks, B, for being my mom’s honey. Thanks Grandma and Granddad for having my mom.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

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Hey, I’m so happy I happen to have an illo that fits this weeks theme. I love Illustration Friday and haven’t participated for awhile. I made this illo as a present for my friend’s birthday. It is a vision of the future when Red’s ambition to be a wild, funny, yet deep and meloncholy guitar player is realized. He is currently working on bar chords. I created this illo using this picture and this picture. This is one of Red’s guitar hero’s, Jimmy Page.

Categories: Visual, Essay, Illustration Friday, Links

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What a day. Luckily, I haven’t made my birthday wish yet. I’m still deciding just what to wish for.

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I went the easy route this week and played with an old image. Here’s the original political post from a few months ago. I love to travel and have adventures. Yesterday was my birthday and I can picture myself on the earth travelling around the sun. I’ve made 31 trips now!

There is some really beautiful art work this week on Illustration Friday. I was going to post some of my favorites, but the list kept growing, so I’ll leave it up to you to explore. If you find some that you really like, I’d love it if you’d come back and leave a comment with the address.

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If I was in a poem mood I’d make this post into a poem. The sentiments are more appropriate for poem form because they are from a deep felt place rather than a rational one. They are all tangled up with home, and fragile like being wanted and being loved. I’m talking about church. It IS Sunday after all! :)

We had the coolest service at church today, at first. We had a guest minister from Transylvania and he read the Lord’s prayer and he sounded JUST like Dracula reading the Lord’s prayer and, I’m not kidding, he was wearing a black cape! Then we had music after amazing music. At one point we were all standing, clapping and singing as a dynamite musician was pounding the piano keys and his spine tingling voice was ringing out. It was awesome. And then another guest minister with a name like Ala Tu Tu Bab Way, (whose name used to be something like Herman Jones,) started a preachin’. Boy, he was good. This man can preach. He’s a Presbyterian and a definite “God” minister. He was talking about how he prays when the spirit moves in his heart and the spirit moves in his heart ALL the time! (Hallelujah!) He said God is his center and his core. I was really enjoying this service. Contrary to what some people might think from my last post about church, God-talk does not bother me. I love to hear people’s stories and I am truly tolerant when it comes to people’s personal religious beliefs.

But then he drew a line between the God people and the not God people, with full contempt for the people who are “just in their heads” and don’t understand the deeper things about life (aka: God.) Ouch. I felt so unwelcome. Although the sermon was definitely anti-a-theistic, it wasn’t as bad, in a way, as the last sermon I wrote about, because he’s not a UU minister. On the other hand, I can’t imagine our ministers asking an atheist minister to preach who would be so contemptuous of theistic beliefs. I hope they wouldn’t.

I was so sad. I told a couple friends how unwelcome the sermon made me feel and, I started to cry when I said it.

Heavy hearted,
I cry.
But first,
Sonya brought me flowers for my birthday and a scarf that whispers ”you belong, you belong…”
And when I cried,
They held me.
And the ones that didn’t hold me stood by my side
And pet my arm.
And I breathe
And I drink some water and I
Let the sadness and the not-home ness fall
(A little awkwardly)
And I put it away for now
And walk to lunch.

Light hearted,
I laugh.
And I joke with Dan
Always the straight man.
And we have a little adventure as we stop in at the open house
And I see us through the broker mans eyes:
Four laughing girls in flowers,
Light hearted
In this warm and light and spacious
(And outrageously priced)
Condo.
And we eat strawberries,
And some of us eat chocolate,
And we continue on our adventure,
Slipping out of the house, the ending of our story as mysterious as our beginning,
The only real moment
Being our brief entrance on their very real stage,
Characters in their play that day,
Lighthearted characters in their play.

And should I continue with the story about the desk? Far more real.
People hawking their wares on the sidewalk outside of their house,
Moving to Tennessee.
Darci bought an ottoman, with glee,
I bought a desk,
On our walk back to the church today,
Our light and fumbling way,
Our mysterious, real
Play (full way.)

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