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I’m in a learning and skill gathering phase of my life right now. I feel like I have learned so much over the last 12 or so years and gotten my life to new heights; I move in new *universes. (Ok, my life is not all that high, but it started out so low!)

At times I’m reminded of the universes I used to live in and I’m sooo glad I live in a better universe now. But I vaguely sense even better universes that I want to live in, and I clearly long for much that I don’t have now. I feel very lucky to be where I am, but I want more and I want to be more! I want to be more skilled at living a rich and full and kind life. I especially want to be more skilled at loving people, and taking care of myself, and richly appreciating and connecting with people, and having fun.

I have discovered in my life, and so can attest, that building skills can significantly increase the quality of a person’s life.

One way I built skills several years ago was by taking NLP training from Anchor Point. I want to take more NLP training, and get guidance from someone kind, wise, and skilled in NLP. Here are a couple videos I saw online while I was surfing for NLP training:

A strategy for thinking about information that is presented in the context of a serious health problem:

Perception vrs Conception. He is talking about “sensory acuity” which is training yourself to really notice all kinds of external sensations. (Rather than just being in your head.) This video is an example of the clear ways of framing experience that were taught in NLP. My brain felt more clear after taking the training.

For those interested in NLP training

Caveat emptor: So much of what has been **learned in NLP has been incorporated into our disciplines about learning, performance, and therapy, but I don’t think NLP is the holy grail or anything. I am a thoroughly post modern chick taking everything with a grain of salt. I did find it very enlightening and effective though.

Here is a guide to selecting good training. (I thought the training at Anchor Point was excellent, but I’m not sure if they have a current training program.)

*I think it’s interesting how much variety, even within cultures, is in people’s experiences of life. It’s like we move in different universes, near each other, but without being able to fully sense or comprehend the worlds of those near us. We move in circles that have specific ways of communicating and looking at the world. I think there is a lot of variety even in circles very geographically near to us.

(And if you are having a very unpleasant experience of life, I feel fairly safe in saying that there is a better world somewhere nearby. I think physically moving to a new location can be useful and choosing kinder and more fun people is useful. I also think that increasing your own skills will automatically put you in a new universe; like being in another dimension. Sometimes, with new skills, you will be able to perceive the better world that is right where you are. I mean this in a completely practical and non-spiritual way, although it does feel pretty amazing.)

**NLP is a body of knowledge and it is also a methodology, called modeling, which is used for gaining knowledge.

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I went to Earth Day at the park. It was cool because their were loads of people there and it was a more hippyish crowd than I usually see.

I could hear Hari Krishna music as I walked in. A Hari Krishna dad urged his daughter to give me a flower. It was a really weird situation because he was like, “Give the flower to the nice lady.” and she smiled shyly at me and seemed like she was about to walk forward. So, I started to bend down and smiled at her. Then she backed up. So, I straightened up and watched the Hari Krishna muscicians who sounded good, but looked like they were on drugs or brainwashed.

The whole time I was standing there, I could hear the dad encouraging his daughter to give me a flower. This went on for a while. Walk forward, I look over and smile, back up. Sheesh! Give me the flower already kid! She finally gave me the flower. I felt like I’d worked for it. At a certain point, I wasn’t about to leave til I got that darn flower. Darn Hari Krishnas.

I walked further into the park looking at the booths. There was a “goths for public service” booth. I thought that was good of the goths, although they still looked somewhat frightening. I’m curious about why you are so into the black and freaky make-up, goths.

As I walked, the Hari Krishna music faded and some awesome funky music got louder. A lot of people were gathered around the stage. Hey! It’s a band I’d heard before. I got an autograph from the lead singer at a Martin Luther King Jr. celebration a couple years ago. They’d really gotten better. Now, I think I’ll keep that poster and autograph after all. Bonus.

(To listen to the band click here. Warning: music starts automatically at the site.)

Then I came to a booth where everyone was sitting down. Figuring I’d walked far enough, I asked if I could sit too. They said I could. They were demonstrating some fruity gadget of the kind that you are likely to see at Earth Fair, but I was game. As long as I could sit there with my shoes off.

I started talking to the guy next to me. He said he ran marathons. He said he ran them barefoot. I said, “Hey, I think I’ve read your blog!” He said his name was Ted. And that’s how I met Barefoot Ted! He was personable and looked very healthy, and his feet looked very strong. I told him that after I read about his blog, when I was training for a marathon, I ran for miles at night in my bare feet.

I also met several of the merchants who I could tell were from Utah by their accents! I stayed at that booth chatting and “earthing” til the end of the fair.

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Ok, when I started watching The Bachelor at the beginning of the season, I’m like, why am I watching this? And every time I watch, I feel like a sick, sick puppy who is only ingraining bad, bad ideas from this culture more firmly in my head.

But then comes this one redeeming week. So, The Bachelor, for the wise uninitiated, is this show where they take one guy and 25 women and week after week he whittles down the women from twenty five to one. Da, da, da! You can see how it is just the worst version of the Cinderella story ever. Why do I watch this crap?!

Oh yeah, this week. So, this week, he is down to four women and he gets to visit their families. I should really just watch “The Hometown visit” episodes. I guess what I like about these visits is that their families are always so important to the people. So, during the earlier shows, you see a lot of posing, a la high school, but when people go home, you can really see them being genuine and genuinely caring about their families. Also, their families usually look and act like normal people which is rare to see on TV. I just find it touching.

So, although I DON’T recommend the Bachelor. I do recommend this week’s home town date episode!! Look at the cute families! See how the one dad says that he married his best friend and that’s the best you can do. CUTE!

I want to find me my best friend. (said in a Colorada accent) Where are you best friend? I promise I won’t make you watch the Bachelor with me.

The Bachelor, episode 6. (Skip the earlier ones. They might make you hurl.)

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I went to an art class yesterday and a woman used lyrics from a Leonard Cohen song in her collage. Today, I went to church and the minister read lyrics from the same song in his reading! Now, I’ve gotta hear this song! Here are some of the lyrics. You can see the rest of the lyrics here.

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don’t dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be…

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.

This would be a pretty quote to illustrate.

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YES! Fitness and percentage of fatness may correlate but they are not the same thing. No, my friend, they are not. If you are one of those fat prejudiced people and you justify your judgment by saying that people who are fat are being unhealthy, it is time to stop that right now! Check out this new research that I found in Kathy Smith’s blog:

———–
“There was a lot of buzz this past week about a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association. Turns out fitness may trump fatness when it comes to living longer. In other words, it’s better to be fit and fat than to be at a normal weight and out of shape.

“I can’t tell you how happy this news makes someone like me. I feel like I’ve known this my whole life, but never really had the scientific proof to back it up. I’ve watched thousands of people shape up and experience medical transformations without necessarily reaching a weight most would call “slim.””
———-

Another note to any fat prejudiced people: Even if all people who have more fat on their bodies than you are comfortable with are unhealthy, that still does not give you an excuse to be rude, judgmental, or think that you are superior. You’re not!

(If you want to shift out of judgment: instead of thinking something along the lines of: “they shouldn’t be fat,” Try something along the lines of, “I prefer to be at about 15% body fat. That is my strong preference for myself. Other people can make different choices.” Check out this article by Steve Andreas for an in depth look at shaking the black hole of judgment.)

Sorry for the angry lecture, everyone else, the fact that some people think that fat prejudice is still acceptable really burns my tootsies.

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Do you remember Kathy Smith, the star of many fitness videos? I found a couple of her videos at the thrift store today and decided to hop online and see what she had to say for herself these days. It turns out that she has quite a lot to say.

Click here to check out Kathy Smith’s fitness blog.

She is pro women’s sports, pro exercising and eating healthy, pro women of all shapes and sizes, and anti-deprivation. So, I think she’s my kind of gal. I found many of her posts to be really inspiring (even though some also link to her products.)

Check out what she says about deprivation:

“I’ve noticed that most people get caught up in that vicious cycle of dieting and then blowing the diet. It usually goes like this: You’re unhappy with the way you look and feel. You seek a diet that promises instant weight loss through complete control of what, when, and how you eat. Soon you discover that you can’t stick with it, and you end up right back where you started…

“To be successful, you have to move out of a diet mentality. Most plans don’t take into account what food really means to us. They don’t consider how the flavor and color and texture and presentation of food can give us so much pleasure. They don’t consider how eating foods that you don’t like leaves you unsatisfied.

“It was a good reminder for me today that, as I support others in their efforts to lose weight, choosing foods you truly love and that also enhance your physiological well-being are the key to becoming an independent eater.”

Well said, Kathy! And a timely reminder for me as I was about to launch into diet-like behavior by eating a protein shake on a regular basis, rather than a really yummy breakfast. My diet like thoughts may help explain why I was eating cake mix out of the package with a spoon this week. (I know, pretty image.)

When I just decide to eat really delicious and mostly healthy food, I end up eating a very healthy, balanced diet. (It doesn’t necessarily make me lose weight, but I do feel and look healthier.) But if I start thinking that I need to get thinner and then focus on that goal, the fearful gorging begins.

Breathe in, deep breath. I’m letting go of needing to look a certain way. That won’t guarantee me love. People of all shapes and sizes are loved. (I’m already loved, why am I trying to get all thin to get love?) Just focus on moving my awesome body and eating very delicious, mostly healthy food. Breath out…

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Ode to Adam

It’s my friend Adam’s birthday today (well, technically just past as it’s now past midnight.) I always forget and think his birthday is in March. He was due before me. Our mom’s were in a childbirth class together and the story goes that his overdue mom came to visit my mom and Adam met me through her belly and decided he wanted to come out too.

So, from conception he was older, but from birth I was. We were born in California and then both our families moved to Utah when we were toddlers. Our families visited each other every now and then, and I have many memories of Star Wars based play. He got all the cool toys. We even had the same baby dolls.

Adam died when we were 29. Wow. When I was planning this post in my head I was planning to say that I was over the grief of it now, which I think I mostly am, but writing that still makes me cry.

It’s funny. I didn’t remember it was his birthday until my mom mentioned it, but I did remember him last night and I think it was after midnight. I was reading about Mimi Smartypant’s mini smartypants who was playing Star Wars based play with her boy pal.

Oh, Adam. Oh Adam’s parents. I was pretty much sick with grief when he died. I did have a nice dream in the weeks after that comforted me and the last moment of it is an image I see when I think of him. Here’s how I remember it now:

I’m in a big building that looks something like a conference building. One side of the building is glass. People are walking around. It’s like a prison because we can’t get out. Someone may have announced that we can’t get out. It’s not a horrible place to be. It’s just that we have to stay there.

I’m following a man. He’s walking in front of me, somewhat purposefully. He walks along the walkway in the building by the glass wall and then suddenly, he opens a door and just walks out! I’m astonished. I can’t follow him anymore, and I’m sad he’s leaving us, but I’m glad for him that he made it outside. I watch him go, through the glass. He keeps walking, never turning back, over the broad expanse of the earth, towards the sunset.

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In my recent quest to learn everything I can and finally be totally perfect and have a wonderful life! I’m reading: First Impressions: What you don’t know about how others see you by Ann Demarais and Valerie White.

It’s very informative and I can see many blunders in the people around me, but the authors said to focus on evaluating myself. Oh.

It turns out that I have a LOT to learn about making first impressions! After reading this book, I’m surprised that I have any friends at all! It’s really highly informative and I think it will be useful, but it’s also overwhelming.

I’m going to avoid the temptation to list everything that I could improve, that might be banal and provide more detail than you would like to hear.

Also, it might be construed as complaining. According to the book, complaining is seen as the most boring type of conversation. Complaining even provokes hostility because it involves

“the boring person’s violation of a norm that prohibits ‘the wholesale boredom of others.’”

I would tell you more about what is in the book, but as a good conversational partner, I now want to hear about YOU! YOU! fabulous YOU! I am completely interested in, and can’t wait to hear, what you have to say. (It’s true!)

Ok, your turn! What do you think about me and what I had to say?

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I wanted to learn Tom Hagerty’s scalp exercises to get the same results he has: no forehead wrinkles, lots of hair with his original hair color. (He is over 74 and still has naturally dark hair!) Previously, I couldn’t even feel the muscles at the back of the head he was talking about. Tonight I tried again and I could almost feel them, but couldn’t feel them enough to have any control over them. Bonus: If you can control those muscles, you can wiggle your ears.

Then I talked to my genius mom:

Me: How’d you do it?

Mom: It helps to look in the mirror at first. When I first started trying to wiggle my ears…

And then I stopped her because, although I knew she could wiggle her ears, it had never occurred to me that at one point she couldn’t wiggle her ears, had wanted to wiggle ears, had made it a goal to do so, and had practiced until she succeeded. !

Me: Wait, wait, WHY did you want to learn how to wiggle your ears?!

Mom: Hmmm… I don’t remember now… but at first I could only just barely see them moving. You know when you move your head out and back like you are an Egyptian?

Me: Yeah

Mom: Well, try and move the front of your face out front while you try and hold the back of your head in place.

Me: Wait… this feels really weird…

And then, wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles, I could squeeze my back scalp muscles together and wiggle my ears.

Walk like an Egyptian!!

If you ever need to giggle, try a little wiggle. We were talking on skype and I was very seriously showing her my progress, while she was wiggling her ears too, “Look, look, did you see my ear wiggle!” Then we both started laughing.

The funniest part about this, to me, is imagining my mom looking in the mirror and trying to wiggle her ears, and going about it with the hard working dedication that she applies to most everything. Ahhhh…. funny.

Update 4/15/08: It really works! After just a day of doing the scalp exercise, the horizontal lines in my forehead are significantly reduced! I got those lines young due to my face actually freezing in that expression. :) I hadn’t been able to relax my face consistently enough or do anything else to get rid of them. WOW. This is a truly amazing result, especially after just one day.

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My mom is (very happily) married to her 4th husband, so even though I am single, I have seen a lot of different types of marriages up close and I feel that I am highly qualified to answer this question. (Just kidding, I think everyone is highly qualified to answer this question. That’s why I asked! :)

My answer begins with who you should marry:

I think it makes sense to marry someone you are crazy about, someone who lights up your life and twinkles your toes, and is a decent person who treats people kindly, who is willing to work on a relationship, and who has goals that are compatible with yours.

So, if things aren’t going well and you think maybe you want out, should you call it quits? I have three answers for you:

1. YES

I think that if people are in abusive relationships, they ought to get divorced RIGHT AWAY! Don’t try and fix it! Get thee out!  The hard part is, what is abusive? That can be a trickier to answer than you would think when you are in a relationship and much easier to see when you finally get out.

If someone hits you, sexually abuses anyone, or in any other way degrades your soul, then I would JUST LEAVE (make you sure you research how to do it safely if you are worried about the other person hurting you- make your safety your highest priority.)

2. MAYBE

I just read on the Divorce Busting site that 1/3 of the marriages ending in divorce are abusive. That means 2/3’s aren’t.
If you are not in an abusive marriage, and you never felt twinkly about the person you are with, and you don’t have kids, I just don’t know. My only advice is that you do everything you can to improve the relationship and even if you decide not to try and keep your marriage alive, at least do everything in your power to be a true friend to the person you married.

I think that if you do decide to get divorced even after you make every effort to improve your relationship, the thing that will comfort you is that you have a healthy relationship of some kind and that you treated and continue to treat the other person very well. (And who knows, you might find that you can create a very satisfying relationship with the person you are with after all.)

3.Do Your Best To Save Your Marriage

If you once felt twinkly about your partner, if the person just annoys the hell out of you, you have lost interest in them, if you feel repeatedly rejected because they have lost interest in you, if you no longer find sex satisfying or any other host of problems- but they are not abusive, and especially if you have kids,

Then I would say do EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in your power to make it work.

I’m thinking about this right now because I stumbled across the site: Divorce Busting and while I am very, very glad that divorce exists for anyone in abusive relationships, and I HIGHLY recommend high tailing it out of there (you can be so much happier when you are with someone who treats you well, you won’t even believe it), there are many people whose families are torn asunder who probably could have mended things if they had just known how. That is really tragic.

I really wish some of my friends, and my friend’s parents had access to this information back in the day.
Especially interesting articles from the site:

  1.  The Walk Away Wife Syndrome
  2. Hopefully Ever After 
  3. He Must Be Teething

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I got in a rare argument with my mom last night. I threw out the wild and crazy idea that our family could get together and have a reunion every year for a week. She said that it was ok to want that but not to expect that to happen. I said that I thought getting together for *ONE* *WEEK* a year didn’t seem like an outrageous thing to expect and if my family couldn’t prioritize that amount of time for me then maybe they were more like acquaintances than family and I would get my own other family!

Then I said I had to go because I had an improv class. She said, “What, you can’t even prioritize talking to me on the *phone*?” “No!” I said. Then we both said, “Bye, I love you.” Because neither of us wants to leave with bad words in case one of us dies before we talk again.

Oooh I was irritated all the way to improv class. I needn’t have worried, because it’s easy to be happy in improv and tonight was especially funny. The theme of the night was “Yes, AND…” There are all kinds of “Yes, and” games. The idea is that someone throws out an idea, and WHATEVER it is, you agree with it and add information. (It’s very much like dancing.)

Say you have a scene where you are in a bank and your partner says, “I love that ballarina outfit you’re wearing!” You don’t say, “I’m in a bank, why would I be wearing a ballerina outfit?” You say… anything that agrees with their reality. “Oh thank you! I love the tights, but do you think the tutu is too much?” Or…”Yes, darling, it’s intermission at Swan Lake and I have just enough time to cash my latest honorarium if you wouldn’t mind letting me just tip toe ahead of you in line.”

You even “yes and” offerings that you find sort of repulsive. “Didn’t you used to date George Bush?” “Yep, we went out for a couple months. We met in rehab.”

It was an especially funny night, I was glowing from the laughter, and as I was driving home my mind turned back to the argument. I imagined answering some improv friend’s questions about my fight with my mom: “Yeah, I think that if she had just said. ‘Yes! That’s a great idea! It would be so awesome to get together with all of our family! I love that idea. We could even rent a boat or something!’ Then I would have been happy. Then we could talk about ways to make it happen and find out if it might or might not work….”

“Yeah, good point, I could have yes-anded her too. ‘Yeah, you’re worried that it’s just not going to happen and you want me to be happy about whatever amount of time I do get. Yeah, I hear you, you don’t want me to be disappointed.’ True, I could have said something like that. And I often do, when I’m in a more mature mode. Plus I know I toss out what sound like wild ideas to my sometimes cautious mother and I have empathy for where she is at and her concerns for me. But, come on, I wanted one month a year, so I’d already brought my suggestion down to what I thought was crazy reasonable before I said it!”

My imaginary improv friends lost interest at this point. Rude.

Now you know how to respond to me when I tell you an outrageous idea.

Just tell me that you like my tutu and leave it at that.

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I was listening to an interview with Peta activist Dan Matthews today on the radio. (I’d link to it if I could find it for you!) He recently wrote a book about trying to bring animal cruelty issues to the public called Committed.

It’s an interesting issue that I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I’m not sure yet if my life is matching up with my values. I’m still working it out. And like Alicia Silverstone says, it’s not all or nothing.

Here’s a list of what I think of animal rights and what I do:

Eating

I think that it is ok to eat animals and animal products, but not ok to be cruel to them. I don’t think raising or eating factory raised animals is ok.

What I do: I only buy fish or birds to eat. I try and buy “organic” “free range” birds and wild caught fish, but it’s really hard to tell how the animals were actually treated. It might be easier just to be vegetarian. I eat eggs but only “cage free” eggs. I buy eggs from birds raised on small farms when I come across them, even if they cost more.

The book In Defense of Food has reasonable and balanced guidelines for eating in a way that is healthy for us and the earth. He doesn’t advocate vegetarianism, but does advocate eating heavy on the vegis and light on the animals. This is more of an ecological way of looking at animal rights rather than caring about individual animals as much, but he is against eating factory raised animals.

pets.JPG Animals I wouldn’t eat even if I were starving. They are part of my tribe.

Hunting

Watching animals die at factories on Peta is like watching animals die on the discovery channel. It’s a harsh world in some ways, but should we contribute to that? With our human ingenuity we have really pushed cruelty over the top when it comes to killing other animals, simply due to efficiency. To bring our behavior more in balance with the rest of nature, I think we should at least be as ineffective as other predators and hunt for food we eat. (We, like wolves, are predators- see our forward facing eyes and motions.)

What I do: My behavior isn’t in line with this belief because I don’t hunt. I did go hunting with my dad and older brothers when I was a kid. They taught me how to shoot a gun. I loved hunting until they actually shot a deer. Then I cried and cried and cried.

food.JPG Food I didn’t have to hunt for.

Clothing

I’m allergic to wool. I have very few shoes. A couple pairs are leather. I keep my shoes for so long (decades) that I don’t feel bad about that. If everyone had my shoe habits, very few cows would need to be killed for leather. So, I guess moderation is my general principle here. I’d definitely be willing to buy shoes made out of other materials too.

I think it’s alright to buy any kind of animal made products at a thrift store because buying them at a thrift store doesn’t contribute to the industry that makes those products.

Pets and feral animals

I have a friend who is a vegan AND a biologist. She thinks that feral cats should be killed because they upset the native bird population. It’s an interesting way of looking at the issue. As a biologist, she is looking at the population as a whole, but as a vegan, there must be some concern for the individual animals. (I think it can be successfully argued that you can raise and eat meat on small farms and other ways that are in balance with the environment.) Interesting.

I think it is horrifying to kill feral cats. I think a good thing to do with them is to catch them and spay or neuter them. Growing up, we adopted stray cats that wondered into our yard and spayed or neutered them. Last year my mom caught feral cats in her neighborhood in traps, got them spayed or neutered, and then released them back into her neighborhood. So, when it comes to these cats, I think of them as individuals, but when it comes to hunting, I’m ok with hunting for food because I’m thinking of the effect on the population overall and how it balances out ecologically.

I’m not saying either of these ways of thinking are better. I’m just thinking through this and noticing these interesting inconsistencies.

cat.JPG Feral cat in my mom’s backyard, neutered but not killed, and still on the prowl.

Animal Testing

Cosmetics: Absolutely not ok with me. I try and make sure I only buy things that haven’t been tested on animals. To survive, I can understand eating other animals, but for the sake of looking cuter?? No way.

Medical testing

This one is tricky. There is A LOT of lab work being done on animals in research centers and universities. I would never do this work. Does this make me a hypocrite for using the medicine that comes out of this work? My Granddad is on three medications for Alzheimer’s right now. I’m glad this medicine exists. It seems likely that it was tested on animals. What do you think about using this medicine?

I went to a lecture at the university I was working at. What they found out was facinating and might help humans a lot, but when I heard how they figured it out using lab animals, I wanted to cry and retch. After seeing that presentation I thought, maybe it isn’t so tricky. Maybe the sum total of what we’ve gained by dissecting creatures physically and dissecting reality into it’s component bits in our Western intellectual tradition does not equal what we would have if we lived and thought more holistically.

granddad.JPG Granddad who I love very much who is helped by medication probably tested on other animals.

What do you think about these issues? I would love to hear from you.

Thoughts? Insights that makes any of this more clear? Any of your own inconsistencies that you notice?

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I just read a really interesting book called Awaken Your Strongest Self by Neil Fiore. It’s a little strange on first glance but I bought it based on the amazingness of his last book The Now Habit which is a highly lauded book about how to overcome procrastination. I read it before my last semester of grad school and the method he suggested really worked for me

In his new book, he talks about how the different parts of our brain can work together in harmony. There are a few ideas in his book that I’d tweak and some additional information I think would be useful to add that I might talk about in another post. He suggests a lot of homework that I haven’t done yet, so I can’t speak to the effectiveness of this program. I have hung a lot of the affirmations he suggests up in my house and I’m beginning to see the value and wisdom of them.

In his book, he says that, among other parts, we have the emotional legacy of our baby self who had limitless possibilities and was all powerful. About typical affirmations that say that anything is possible he says, do you really want your two year old self running the show? Hmmm… Read below to see they type of statements he suggests you tell yourself.

AWAKEN YOUR STRONGEST SELF: Speaking from Your Higher Brain*
Neil Fiore, PhD

When you, from the perspective and roles of your Strongest Self, speak these compassionate statements to the frightened and overwhelmed parts of you, you can:

  • Create inner peace by connecting your identity to something stronger and wiser than your ego
  • Transition to a new, robust self-image
  • Access support and strength to cope with changing situations and relationships
  • Reduce the stress and anxiety of struggling alone, separated from your True Self
  • Empower yourself with the protective role, higher perspective, and compassionate voice of your Strongest Self

The following inner dialogue is more powerful than typical affirmations because you are speaking to a part of you that is separated from your larger support system and, therefore, is easily overwhelmed and stressed. You are empowered to protect and guide the parts that have limited––and out-dated––ways of coping with life. You, from your new perspective, can shift to an expanded identity that empowers you to protect your body and smaller “selves” and guide them toward inner peace.

In the compassion voice of your Strongest Self, you replace stress with safety and
connection by saying:

  • Regardless of what happens in life, your worth is always safe with me.
  • Regardless of what you can or cannot do, you are always worthwhile.
  • Regardless of whether you win or lose, you deserve love, pleasure, and freedom from self-criticism.
  • Regardless of what happens to you, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I will always respect my life and my body.
  • Regardless of who stays or who goes, I am on my side. I will never abandon you. [My tweak: "... I will always stay with you."]
  • Regardless of how healthy or ill you become, I appreciate the effort, wisdom, and protection given me by you, my body and my spirit.
  • Regardless of how negative or intense your emotions, I acknowledge their validity for you, and I accept them completely. I am strong enough to be with your emotions. [My tweak: "Regardless of how positive, negative, intense or mild..."]
  • Regardless of how uncomfortable others are with you, your feelings or your body, I will always accept you and remain at peace with you. [My tweak: "Regardless of how comfortable..."]
  • Regardless of what happens in life, and regardless of your problems, I accept you and love you completely.
  • Regardless of the health or weakness of my body, I can always heal my spirit.

*Adapted from Awaken Your Strongest Self [McGraw-Hill, 2006] and
Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer (BayTree, 2008)

© Neil Fiore, Ph.D., 1998-2007 All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy, or
distribute so long as this copyright notice and the full contact information listed below attached.
Neil Fiore, PhD, 1496 Solano Ave., Albany, CA 94706 voice: 510/ 525-2673
www.neilfiore.com www.yourstrongestself.com E-mail: neil@neilfiore.com

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Hi,

My name is Braidwood and I can not stand books that are fundamentalist when it comes to gender. You know the ones, “The Rules”, “Men are from Mars, Women don’t have a penis.” (or something like that.)

I have a couple friends right now who are really into a workshop that tells them all about what men are like and how men like to be talked to. (ARGH) It’s irritating, but because I love them I’ve thought about the appeal and I think it is this: relationships can be confusing and a set of simple rules can be comforting. “Finally, things will work out. I didn’t know these rules before, now I do, and I will be loved.”

I think the frustrating thing about it for me is that it is so all or nothing. I’m sure there is some good advice in programs like that, but it is either so freaking simplistic or the advice may be good but not attributable to gender. For example, one piece of advice is to ask a man to help you rather than blame him for not helping you. Men are so different than women, so it is probably hard for you women reading this to understand, but men actually prefer someone to say to them, “Will you please help me do the dishes?” rather than, “Why are you such a slob?! Why haven’t you done the dishes already!!?”

I know, it’s revelatory. I’m starting to question my femininity though because when I haven’t done the dishes I prefer that my roommate asks me to help rather than accuses me of being a slob too! Does this mean I’m not really a girl!?

So… it reminds me a lot of horoscopes. I sort of think it is funny to read a different month’s horoscope to people, because people who believe in horoscopes will say “See! That is so me!” No matter what you read. (I know, mean trick, but it’s so sadly funny.) I did the same thing once when my mom got a copy of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

My mom, my boyfriend, and I were driving in the car and my mom wanted us to read to her while she drove. I thought it was inane upon first flip through and didn’t want to read it. My mom and boyfriend started in on me *didn’t I know that men and women really are different? — Do I think they’re the same?? — So, I gave in and started to read to them, but I read everything it said about men as if it said it about women and vice versa. “This is so true!” They said, ” You have to admit, this is is so true.” “There’s some truth to it” I admitted, “but don’t you think some of the things I read about the other gender are also true for you?” “Not really, not like what he says about men/women. It is so amazing!” It’s amazing alright.

““““““““

*I always think it’s funny that the first thing people exclaim when I tell them that I don’t hold some stereo-typical view they hold (and these stereotypical views are always different- women are clean, men are messy; men are organized, women are flaky; women are pragmatic, men are more romantic; women are more romantic, men are staid; men focus on details, women see the big picture; men see the big picture, women focus on details! “Tastes great, less filling!”) is that men and women are different! How can I not believe that! Like just because I don’t believe in their stereotype, I have trouble telling men and women apart. HOW DO I FUNCTION with this mental impairment??!

It just makes me laugh. What is all this fuss about men and women being different? Are a whole bunch of people insecure that they are about to be mistaken for the other gender or what? I don’t understand where this intensity around this issue comes from. I know that men and women are different. You would think that as a non-bisexual person, people wouldn’t have to question me knowing that. I only want to have sex with one gender- clearly some differences must have crossed into my blood brain barrier. I just think the differences are self-evident.**

** (I think that if someone has to intensely argue for certain differences, maybe they doth protest too much.)

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Women, please do not let anyone commoditize your beauty. Our beauty is being reduced and repackaged and sold back to us in a lesser form. What? Is the only way to protest not to care about how beautiful your beautiful self looks? No, do not bother with them enough to protest, flow like the river around those stick in the muds and bravely move with your OWN beauty, whatever it is.

Enjoy your beauty, don’t let them quash it. Promise yourself that no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable other people might be with your appearance, that YOU will love and accept yourself.

Many of us have experienced at one time or another that HAIR can be our own personal inferiority-complex-inducing nightmare. There is a growing hair acceptance movement. (I think Lorraine Massey might have kick started it.) I don’t know if you’ve noticed it. It’s aimed at the curly girls who’ve often had a hard time of it.

I want us all to love our own hair, however funktified it might be. If you are anyone besides our beloved super straight haired sisters, you will be able to find great advice at Naturally Curly.

Naturally curly has a hair resource page that rocks. It gives styling and product suggestions for every type of hair except stick straight hair. I highly recommend looking at this simple page and discovering what type of hair you have. They also offer a lot of product recommendations. If you go to the forum page, people give great advice about cheap alternatives that you can buy at a health food store or make at home.

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An uplifting story about female genital mutilation, who would believe it?

I really don’t like to watch depressing movies, even for a good cause. But Ebert promised that it was uplifting. But here, read his words that convinced even me:

Moolaade” is the kind of film that can only be made by a director whose heart is in harmony with his mind. It is a film of politics and anger, and also a film of beauty, humor, and a deep affection for human nature. Usually films about controversial issues are tilted too far toward rage or tear-jerking. Ousmane Sembene, who made this film when he was 81, must have lived enough, suffered enough and laughed enough to find the wisdom of age.

It has it’s sad moments, but I liked it. I think you can watch it without fear. Do it for your girls; all the women and girls you love. Do it in affirmation of women’s right to pleasure. Do it in honor of courageous souls and to honor and increase your own soul’s courage.

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This month I’ve decided to post topics that relate to or are inspired by National Women’s History Month. I went over to the NWHM site to see if they had a badge. They didn’t, so I made my own.

I would love it if you would join me in blogging for Women’s History Month. For the artists among you, this looks like a fun year to blog for Women’s History. The theme is art.

Other ideas for posts:

What are some pro-women books, movies, and music you like? Who are your heroes? What is your experience being or relating to women? Men, this includes you too!

(Oh yeah, and don’t worry if you don’t actually blog for all 31 days, as we are already 6 days in to the month!)

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If you would like to add this badge to your site, just copy and paste the following code in your blog code:

<a href=”http://authenticthreads.org/blog/2008/03/06/join-me-31-days-of-blogging-for-womens-history-month”><img src=”http://authenticthreads.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/nwhm_badge.jpg” /></a>

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I stumbled across what I fear may be an anti-feminist blog. I went ahead and posted a comment anyhow because this particular post didn’t offend me. Hopefully I have not added energy to the dark side. (imagine “dark side” said into a fan for the right effect.)

Here are my edited comments about Research on Female Preferences in Men over at, (yipes!) Feminist Critics:

My experiences:
Whenever I’ve heard a guy say, “Women say they want nice guys, but they don’t really.” or something like that, and the guy saying that is implying that he is nice, but women don’t like him, he never actually is nice. I’ve never heard an actual nice guy say that. I wonder what the men who say that think of as “nice.”

(Maybe they mean superficially polite, begrudgingly following the cultural rules and miffed that she still won’t sleep with him? I don’t know, this is pure conjecture.)

Personally, I do like manly men. (If we are defining “manly” as “probably having a lot of testosterone.”) I once heard a show about the effects of testosterone on mens voices: makes them kind of gruff and deep, and noted that my three favorite boyfriends had voices like that. All of my boyfriends have been athletic, but I don’t think they were all especially “manly.”  Two of my “manly” boyfriends were also popular and confident, which I liked. I don’t know if that has anything to do with testoterone…

So, although I do like manly men, I also like and have dated just regular men. Therefore, the differentiating factor for me is not “manliness.”  I look for niceness, (ie: grounded, at least somewhat emotionally intelligent, kind even to people who won’t benefit him), physical attraction (which I guess must be chemical and has been quite varied for me) and of course, shared humor, interests, values, etc..

What about YOU gentle reader? What do you like?

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Smart Fins

Wow, this is blowing my academic mind:

High-school students here rarely get more than a half-hour of homework a night. They have no school uniforms, no honor societies, no valedictorians, no tardy bells and no classes for the gifted. There is little standardized testing, few parents agonize over college and kids don’t start school until age 7.

Yet by one international measure, Finnish teenagers are among the smartest in the world.

As I think, and think, and think about what I want to do next with my life, I find that I am still quite interested in education and educational theories.

This article about Fins and the way they do things is really interesting and appeals to my love of simplicity. I would love to give the same amount of money to all schools, rather than by what area the schools are in. I don’t know if I would like less classes for the gifted. I loved the AP classes I took. Hmmm… I DO love the idea of teachers getting to pick out their own curriculum and of intense teacher competition.

What do you think, What Makes Finnish Kids so Smart?

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I get the National Geographic news feed everyday, and this headline just blew away my fantasy of going to some clean, remote place to avoid toxic chemicals.

Pollution Prevalent in U.S. West’s National Parks

“Contaminants are everywhere. You can’t get more remote than these northern parts of Alaska and the high Rockies,” said Michael Kent, a fish researcher with Oregon State University who co-authored the study.

The substances detected ranged from mercury produced by power plants and industrial chemicals such as PCBs to the banned insecticides dieldrin and DDT. Those can cause health problems in humans including nervous system damage, dampened immune system responses, and lowered reproductive success.

Also, mercury levels at the eight parks and DDT levels at Glacier and Sequoia and Kings Canyon exceeded health thresholds for fish-eating wildlife. Kent said he found airborne contaminants are causing male fish to develop female organs in some parks.

Contrary to the conventional wisdom that remoteness means less pollution, Landers said many of the parks—particularly those at higher elevations and in colder climates—actually are at higher risk.

Sheesh, no wonder so many people are having fertility problems.

I guess this means that to live somewhere clean and healthy, we need to make the whole world clean and healthy. Please do your part and buy or grow local organic food. Also, if you are in charge of which power company you use, please switch to a company which uses more solar and wind power for energy.

You can check out how clean your energy provider is and find alternative energy providers in your area at the EPA’s Clean Energy site:

http://oaspub.epa.gov/powpro/ept_pack.utility 

Please leave a comment if you recommend any energy companies.

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Rat Park (part 2)

My plans for rat park rather than rat cage living written a couple months ago:

One night a week at a track club: I like running every now and then- I especially like running fast and this track work out is dedicated to speed work.

Dancing: My favorite dance company in my town has moved closer to where I live and I want to take their classes. I’m a little nervous about facing fat prejudice. I love dancing and I have a natural aptitude for it. I hope I’ll be welcomed and not judged even though I bet I’ll have more fat on my body then other people in the class will.

*If you’ve ever faced prejudice, how do you deal with it? Do you call people on it? Do you ignore it and try to prove them wrong through your actions? Do you ignore it? There is so much fat prejudice in our society. I’m worried that it is especially bad in dance classes. Oh well. I gotta dance. I’m going anyway.

**By the way, if you love dancing and are fat, (ie: you have more fat on your body than you feel is socially acceptable) and are afraid to face the fat prejudice, I recommend salsa dancing and swing dancing. There are people of all different shapes there and people mostly just want a good dance partner. A fat safe place.

Wilderness training: I love camping and I haven’t gone camping in about 5 years now. Unheard of! I got a notice in my email for a ten week wilderness training course put on by the Sierra Club. Ten weeks of training and four camping trips to practice our skills! This class is what got the rat park ball rolling.

Writing group: I write almost every day. I have weird mixed feelings about going to a writing group.

*Fantasy: I imagine reading something and everyone exclaiming about how great it is. Afterwards, people come up to me and say that I should be in their smaller writing group, I should publish a book, they know a magazine editor- I should submit an article.

**What I don’t really want is any negative critique. I’m not sure why I’m less open to suggestion about my writing. I think I know when my writing is crappy or blah. What will be useful for me is having a regular time to meet with people every month and preparing writing to be read in public.

Music: I feel almost opposite about music as I do about writing. I don’t want an open mike night to perform at. I want a jam session and I’m open to LOTS of feedback.

2/25/08 Update: I have been taking the Wilderness course and I have been enjoying my time off. I’m blossoming out of the cage office and in my enriched natural environment. I’m glad I found this post which reminds me of so to add in some of the other activities I was excited about as well. Wishing you the oomph to change any cage like situations and get thee some more park like situations.

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I loved this movie and their Oscar winning song still brings tears to my eyes.

Watch the movie, then check out the bios of the actors, then watch (or read) their thank you speeches at the Oscars. Then listen to their winning song “Falling Slowly” and see if it brings tears to your eyes too.

“This is amazing. Make art. Make art.”
- Glen Hansard’s Oscar acceptance speech

“…and this, the fact that we’re standing here tonight, the fact that we’re able to hold this, it’s just to prove no matter how far out your dreams are, it’s possible. And, you know, fair play to those who dare to dream and don’t give up.”
- Markéta Irglová’s Oscar acceptance speech

“You have suffered enough, and warred with yourself, it’s time that you won.”
- lyric from Falling Slowly

Wishing you the daring audacity to make art and the courage to pursue your dreams no matter how far out they are.

With love,
B.

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Rat park

I wrote the following during this last Christmas season. I had just decided to go back home rather than to my Granddad’s house in another town.

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How has your holiday vacation been? (I hope you’ve had some holiday vacation!)

I’ve been thinking about the coming year. What I think I should be doing is looking for a JOB or some way to make money, but what I’ve been doing is planning my fun. I had a dirth* of fun last year and I think my neural connections have withered away from sitting in a dark secluded giant box with very boring tasks to do. Sounds like a lab rat.

*I know it’s “dearth” in the dictionary, but that looks like it sounds like someone is saying “dearest” after sucking on ice too long, and I’m leading a spelling revolution.

Martha Beck wrote about experiments done on rats and how there are some fundamental flaws in most of the research. You see, most of the research was done on rats in very boring environments. The results totally change when they place the rats in more life like enriched environments which she calls “rat parks”.

The results of my year and a half long experiment in an impoverished rat cage environment? This usually quick witted girl has gotten a little slower, I talk slower, I move slower, I don’t smile as much. The world seems grayer. I feel like I’m coming out of seclusion and I’ve started to plan all the fun things I’m going to do. I don’t know how I’m going to pay for them, tomorrow I’ll tell you what I have up my sleeve so far.

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I pretty much love this woman. I saw her book The Guerrilla Art Kit in a store today, looked it up online to put on my wishlist, and then went to her blog. Once there, I realized that I had already seen her blog before, probably linked to from an Illustration site?

She has awesome links, and awesome advice. Just check out what she says about Letting Yourself Soar:

We all unknowingly carry a variety of myths about ourselves.  These myths are collected over time and sometimes they have the effect of sabotaging out attempts at being highly functional people.  So here’s the trick…the dark myths or labels that you hold about yourself will give you some insight into how you work.  Some of the things we have been taught are negative are actually our greatest strengths.  The key for me was shifting my perception of then and starting to really use them in my life and work.  We all have the power to reinvent ourselves at any time.

PS: She has created an extremely informative period chart. That is what took my “like” to “love.”

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Joy Points

I’m starting a new feature called Joy Points. I’m doing this program called Wired for Joy and one of our assignments this week is to collect 100 joy points. 100! In a week! How joyful do they want us to be, anyway? :)

I’m already feeling more joyful (first day of new week of class) which I think attests to the power of focus. I want to remember and help myself focus on these joyful moments. So, I’m going to write the joy points that stand our for me from the day.

For yesterday night and so far today:

Last night

Improv class: I’m funny. This may come as a shock, but it’s true. And I love being quick and delightful and having it be in a setting where that is the definition of successful, with other people who want to play with me. 10

Unexpected visitor: last night I heard a cat crying outside our apt near midnight. I opened the door and it ran in. I had NO food, and it was hungry, but after playing and exploring, it came to bed and curled up happily right next to me. I was amazed that the playful teenage kitten would be so still. It seemed very contented and I was happy it was so happy to lay there with me. Sweet little guy. 1

Today

“Lovely, lovely, lovely” My exercise buddy came over this morning and after we did yoga, he started playing around with garage band. He recorded a little guitar music and then we sang to it, making it up as went along. I was irritable from major lack of sleep (the rest of the kitten story), but when we listened to what we had recorded, we just kept laughing. At one point, he sings, “Lovely, lovely, lovely” It was hilarious. 3 Click here to listen to Lovely, lovely, lovely

When I stepped outside to get groceries this afternoon, the stormy sky had a mix of gray and blue and was magnificent. 1

At the grocery store, I was enjoying buying my loads and loads of vegetables. I am really enjoying cooking, which is near miraculous. And I felt happy to pick non-packaged food out and be getting ideas about delicious things to make with it all. YUM! 1

My mom sent me a package today. She sent a sweet Valentine’s card in it. She sent $20 for me to buy flowers with. I am in a Valentine’s mood and have belatedly hung hearts on our front door. (I don’t care if it’s cheesy) I’m going to put out my orange, purple and red heart patterned welcome mat, and I’m going to spend ALL of that money to buy myself flowers at the Farmer’s Market on Sunday. Thanks, mom. 2

I wanted to listen to music, clicked on Pandora and wasn’t logged in so it asked me for which song I wanted to base a new station on. “Crap” I wrote. (Expressing my dismay about not remembering my password.) And it made me a station based on Crap! :) And it was good! Yeah, and it produced many joy points, especially when Utah Phillips accompanied by Anni Di Franko came on. 4

My mom sent some Mormon magazines along with the clothes and card she sent me. Sigh… Oh, mother. But I read a couple articles (she knows I’m a sucker for reading.) A couple of the articles were really sweet. 2

Writing about all these joy points in my blog and laughing at them again and listening to “Lovely, lovely, lovely” again. :) 3

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What do I wish for you, my internet Valentines?

I wish you happiness, with all my heart. I wish you a world where you can be safe. I wish you pleasure.

I wish you’d watch this video of Eve Ensler. She’s talking about her journey since she started writing about vaginas. She’s talking about what that journey taught her about happiness. It’s really worth watching.

I want to remember from that talk:

Happiness exists in:

  1. action
  2. telling the truth
  3. giving away what we want the most.

“Seeing what’s in front of us is the antidote to depression and to the feeling that one is worthless and has no value.” - Eve Ensler

“When we give, in the world, what we want the most, we heal the broken part inside each of us.” -Eve Ensler

Please find a way to keep your pleasure alive.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love,
B.

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Ear ah Tahble

I had a great day. A good talk with a friend. Got lots done. Went to my Womyn’s group which I was really looking forward to, but while I was there, started feeling really IRR-A-TAble. I don’t know why.

All I know is, I came home and looked at my netvibes page to take my mind off it, and I was irritated with Dooce for her stupid pictures of her poor dog with the peanut butter, I’m disgusted with Blue and her stupid vengeful murder planning shenanigans, and hating this stupid asshole for his stupid f@#$ing advice that some poor slob is probably taking and bothering his wife about her cute new haircut. WHICH SHE REALLY DID GET JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED A NEW HAIRCUT, YOU ASSHOLE!

This article made me feel better because it’s tone resonates with my current mood, which I should probably thoughtfully analyze but I DON’T WANT TO!

Only these little cuties are free from my wrath.

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Cartoon view

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Cartoon view out of our living room window. Taken with Photo Booth on a mac. I wish my camera could take pictures like this!

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Free online writing courses!

Some of these look pretty fun, like this Advanced Essay Course at MIT:

Our focus will be negotiating and representing identities grounded in gender, race, class, nationality, sexuality, and other categories of identity, either our own or other’s, in prose that is expository, exploratory, investigative, persuasive, lyrical, or incantatory. We will read nonfiction prose works by a wide array of writers who have used language to negotiate and represent aspects of identity and the ways the different determinants of identity intersect, compete, and cooperate.

Of course, that makes me long for an interesting discussion with everyone in the class, getting to know their personalities as they share their views, watching them develop as the class goes on, getting excited together as we learn new ideas… maybe I;ll try to find something face to face in my area.

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I’m doing some serious job/mission thinking. I’m taking an analytical approach and doing skills/interests/values exercises which have served me well in the past.

I’m also using my “follow my interests” approach, which has led me down several interesting but puzzling roads in the past, such as becoming certified as a hypnotherapist.

Current interests:

  1. teach an art class (less likely to follow through on this in a big way, but would be fun to do)
  2. write stories about my life. Lately, I’ve been thinking of some interesting short stories I could write.  This is an idea that I really want to follow up on and this public reminder to myself is the main reason I wrote this blog post.

What are some things that are catching your fancy right now?

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Tales and Legends 2

This is my first Illustration Friday in forevvverrr. You can categorize your art on the Illustration Friday site now. This is pretty much the definition of naive art. I used Scribbles. I used to use Windows Paint. Oh, my ultra low-tech tech paintings. Now I have a mac, so I tried out Scribbles.

This is a picture of Coyote, the legendary trickster. He is such a goose, he is trying to catch his tail. If you want to read a funny, thought provoking story that is as whirly as Coyote, check out Green Grass, Running Water by Thomas King.

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Using the principle of small questions and small actions, I’m building a list of what I want in a husband/partner. What is one thing your lover/ best friend/lover/wife does that makes you happy?

One answer I’ve heard from my mom:

Whenever her husband is going somewhere and she asks, “Can I come along?” He says, “Of course! I always like it when you are there.”

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