advice

The author of the Blue Zone has studied long living populations around the world and now has advice for YOU online.

The advice about living longer always says stuff like: have a close circle of loving and supportive friends and family, economic stability, close access to nature, and interesting work. OH BOTHER, close friends and family… well, I guess if it makes me live longer…

Well, duh. I mean, of course I want all those things!

The trick is GETTING those things. I’ve lived what is probably a third of my life and I’m still working on getting all that.

So, I am taking a few simple tips and from the site and putting them into practice:

1. Get rid of your full size plates and use 9 inch plates instead. OK! THAT I can do.
2. Put movement into your everyday life. This one is cheating ’cause I already do that. ;) Walking is pleasure and a perfect stress reliever for me. I’m going to try and boost this one by inviting friends to go walking with me more often.
3. And, I’m going to make more of an effort to go to church every week. I’m blessed to live 20 minutes away from a church with an amazing minister. I might as well take advantage of that.

What are three simple things you can do to live a longer and happier life?

Related posts

• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)
• The Religion of Diet (3)

My mom is (very happily) married to her 4th husband, so even though I am single, I have seen a lot of different types of marriages up close and I feel that I am highly qualified to answer this question. (Just kidding, I think everyone is highly qualified to answer this question. That’s why I asked! :)

My answer begins with who you should marry:

I think it makes sense to marry someone you are crazy about, someone who lights up your life and twinkles your toes, and is a decent person who treats people kindly, who is willing to work on a relationship, and who has goals that are compatible with yours.

So, if things aren’t going well and you think maybe you want out, should you call it quits? I have three answers for you:

1. YES

I think that if people are in abusive relationships, they ought to get divorced RIGHT AWAY! Don’t try and fix it! Get thee out!  The hard part is, what is abusive? That can be a trickier to answer than you would think when you are in a relationship and much easier to see when you finally get out.

If someone hits you, sexually abuses anyone, or in any other way degrades your soul, then I would JUST LEAVE (make you sure you research how to do it safely if you are worried about the other person hurting you- make your safety your highest priority.)

2. MAYBE

I just read on the Divorce Busting site that 1/3 of the marriages ending in divorce are abusive. That means 2/3’s aren’t.
If you are not in an abusive marriage, and you never felt twinkly about the person you are with, and you don’t have kids, I just don’t know. My only advice is that you do everything you can to improve the relationship and even if you decide not to try and keep your marriage alive, at least do everything in your power to be a true friend to the person you married.

I think that if you do decide to get divorced even after you make every effort to improve your relationship, the thing that will comfort you is that you have a healthy relationship of some kind and that you treated and continue to treat the other person very well. (And who knows, you might find that you can create a very satisfying relationship with the person you are with after all.)

3.Do Your Best To Save Your Marriage

If you once felt twinkly about your partner, if the person just annoys the hell out of you, you have lost interest in them, if you feel repeatedly rejected because they have lost interest in you, if you no longer find sex satisfying or any other host of problems- but they are not abusive, and especially if you have kids,

Then I would say do EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in your power to make it work.

I’m thinking about this right now because I stumbled across the site: Divorce Busting and while I am very, very glad that divorce exists for anyone in abusive relationships, and I HIGHLY recommend high tailing it out of there (you can be so much happier when you are with someone who treats you well, you won’t even believe it), there are many people whose families are torn asunder who probably could have mended things if they had just known how. That is really tragic.

I really wish some of my friends, and my friend’s parents had access to this information back in the day.
Especially interesting articles from the site:

1.  The Walk Away Wife Syndrome
2. Hopefully Ever After 
3. He Must Be Teething

Related posts

• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• What I’ve learned: Advice for the working woman (0)

Hi,

My name is Braidwood and I can not stand books that are fundamentalist when it comes to gender. You know the ones, “The Rules”, “Men are from Mars, Women don’t have a penis.” (or something like that.)

I have a couple friends right now who are really into a workshop that tells them all about what men are like and how men like to be talked to. (ARGH) It’s irritating, but because I love them I’ve thought about the appeal and I think it is this: relationships can be confusing and a set of simple rules can be comforting. “Finally, things will work out. I didn’t know these rules before, now I do, and I will be loved.”

I think the frustrating thing about it for me is that it is so all or nothing. I’m sure there is some good advice in programs like that, but it is either so freaking simplistic or the advice may be good but not attributable to gender. For example, one piece of advice is to ask a man to help you rather than blame him for not helping you. Men are so different than women, so it is probably hard for you women reading this to understand, but men actually prefer someone to say to them, “Will you please help me do the dishes?” rather than, “Why are you such a slob?! Why haven’t you done the dishes already!!?”

I know, it’s revelatory. I’m starting to question my femininity though because when I haven’t done the dishes I prefer that my roommate asks me to help rather than accuses me of being a slob too! Does this mean I’m not really a girl!?

So… it reminds me a lot of horoscopes. I sort of think it is funny to read a different month’s horoscope to people, because people who believe in horoscopes will say “See! That is so me!” No matter what you read. (I know, mean trick, but it’s so sadly funny.) I did the same thing once when my mom got a copy of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

My mom, my boyfriend, and I were driving in the car and my mom wanted us to read to her while she drove. I thought it was inane upon first flip through and didn’t want to read it. My mom and boyfriend started in on me *didn’t I know that men and women really are different? — Do I think they’re the same?? — So, I gave in and started to read to them, but I read everything it said about men as if it said it about women and vice versa. “This is so true!” They said, ” You have to admit, this is is so true.” “There’s some truth to it” I admitted, “but don’t you think some of the things I read about the other gender are also true for you?” “Not really, not like what he says about men/women. It is so amazing!” It’s amazing alright.

““““““““

*I always think it’s funny that the first thing people exclaim when I tell them that I don’t hold some stereo-typical view they hold (and these stereotypical views are always different- women are clean, men are messy; men are organized, women are flaky; women are pragmatic, men are more romantic; women are more romantic, men are staid; men focus on details, women see the big picture; men see the big picture, women focus on details! “Tastes great, less filling!”) is that men and women are different! How can I not believe that! Like just because I don’t believe in their stereotype, I have trouble telling men and women apart. HOW DO I FUNCTION with this mental impairment??!

It just makes me laugh. What is all this fuss about men and women being different? Are a whole bunch of people insecure that they are about to be mistaken for the other gender or what? I don’t understand where this intensity around this issue comes from. I know that men and women are different. You would think that as a non-bisexual person, people wouldn’t have to question me knowing that. I only want to have sex with one gender- clearly some differences must have crossed into my blood brain barrier. I just think the differences are self-evident.**

** (I think that if someone has to intensely argue for certain differences, maybe they doth protest too much.)

Related posts

• Real Life Update (5)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)

Women, please do not let anyone commoditize your beauty. Our beauty is being reduced and repackaged and sold back to us in a lesser form. What? Is the only way to protest not to care about how beautiful your beautiful self looks? No, do not bother with them enough to protest, flow like the river around those stick in the muds and bravely move with your OWN beauty, whatever it is.

Enjoy your beauty, don’t let them quash it. Promise yourself that no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable other people might be with your appearance, that YOU will love and accept yourself.

Many of us have experienced at one time or another that HAIR can be our own personal inferiority-complex-inducing nightmare. There is a growing hair acceptance movement. (I think Lorraine Massey might have kick started it.) I don’t know if you’ve noticed it. It’s aimed at the curly girls who’ve often had a hard time of it.

I want us all to love our own hair, however funktified it might be. If you are anyone besides our beloved super straight haired sisters, you will be able to find great advice at Naturally Curly.

Naturally curly has a hair resource page that rocks. It gives styling and product suggestions for every type of hair except stick straight hair. I highly recommend looking at this simple page and discovering what type of hair you have. They also offer a lot of product recommendations. If you go to the forum page, people give great advice about cheap alternatives that you can buy at a health food store or make at home.

Related posts

• What I’ve learned: Advice for the working woman (0)
• A rant about narrow Stories (0)
• The Religion of Diet (3)

I pretty much love this woman. I saw her book The Guerrilla Art Kit in a store today, looked it up online to put on my wishlist, and then went to her blog. Once there, I realized that I had already seen her blog before, probably linked to from an Illustration site?

She has awesome links, and awesome advice. Just check out what she says about Letting Yourself Soar:

PS: She has created an extremely informative period chart. That is what took my “like” to “love.”

Tags: artbooks

Related posts

• What I’ve learned: Advice for the working woman (0)
• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)

I had a great day. A good talk with a friend. Got lots done. Went to my Womyn’s group which I was really looking forward to, but while I was there, started feeling really IRR-A-TAble. I don’t know why.

All I know is, I came home and looked at my netvibes page to take my mind off it, and I was irritated with Dooce for her stupid pictures of her poor dog with the peanut butter, I’m disgusted with Blue and her stupid vengeful murder planning shenanigans, and hating this stupid asshole for his stupid f@#$ing advice that some poor slob is probably taking and bothering his wife about her cute new haircut. WHICH SHE REALLY DID GET JUST BECAUSE SHE WANTED A NEW HAIRCUT, YOU ASSHOLE!

This article made me feel better because it’s tone resonates with my current mood, which I should probably thoughtfully analyze but I DON’T WANT TO!

Only these little cuties are free from my wrath.

Related posts

• War of the Worlds (1)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Portends of Grrr… (1)

My food resolution this year is simple: eat food. What else would I eat, you ask? Well, according to Michael Pollan in his book In Defense of Food, there is now a lot of edible non-food available in the grocery store.

He writes about the history of food in America and how the idea of what we should eat has been taken over by well intentioned scientists and self-interested industry. We now have a near mono-culture of soybeans and corn. He talks about all the concessions that the USDA has made in their labeling and reccomendations because of industry pressure. I think I just found a consession he didn’t mention.

My friend Laura over at Starling Fitness lists the oils that the USDA reccomends which include soybean oil and corn oil. Those are our surplus crops, but I highly doubt we need ever more of those products in our body. Very interesting… I wonder if someone out there on the internet has already unravled this mystery.

I couldn’t find the spot on where the USDA recommends these oils. I did find a page where they are listed. They use vague language about the oils, so maybe they are trying to avoid industry wrath without lying.

Oils come from many different plants and from fish. Some common oils are:

• canola oil
• corn oil
• cottonseed oil
• olive oil
• safflower oil
• soybean oil
• sunflower oil

I highly recommend In Defense of Food.  You can listen to Michael Pollan’s six minutes of advice about nutrition and read an excerpt from his book on NPR, and listen to the more interesting and longer interview he did about the content of his book The Omnivore’s Dilemma.

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Hug the Dragon (0)

Don’t pay so much attention to obstacles that you can’t see your goal.

-Phylicia Rashad

It’s the traditional time of year for goals and I seem to be in synch with the universe. I’m thinking about my future. Every day, ok, every hour, I think of something new I want to do. Watching the caucus results makes me want to go into politics.  It’s so exciting! (I must be a true grown up now because I find politics interesting and I talk about my health.)

Then I watched Phylicia Rashad on the Tavis Smiley show and was inspired by her story to think that maybe I want to move to Mexico City. I have a good friend from Mexico City, maybe I could go with her!

Whatever I do, whatever you are doing, I think Phylicia Rashad’s advice is good. I love that woman. Good luck to you in the new year. Set your sights on what you really want, study, and don’t pay too much attention to the obstacles.

With love,

B.

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• Pleasant way to prevent cold/flu (0)
• Hug the Dragon (0)

…A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons…

Check out the fascinating reasons. :)

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• Pleasant way to prevent cold/flu (0)
• Goals and obstacles (0)

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.4
Mind:	7.2
Body:	8.2
Spirit:	8.2
Friends/Family:	4.3
Love:	2.1
Finance:	6.3
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

Wow, I can’t believe my life rated well enough to give advice! I’m up from a year ago.

After taking the quiz, they said my rating was above average and asked me to give words of advice! That is a request I cannot resist.

Think about it:

I have really thought about what makes me happy and I’ve tried to implement those things. I’ve also tried to accept my weaknesses and work with how I am. For instance, TV is not a thing that makes me happy in the long run, but when I have it, I get addicted. So, I don’t get cable. My mind is much more relaxed since doing this and I have way more time for actual fun.

Healthy habits:

I write in my journal almost everyday. This helps calm my mind down.

Finances for the middle class:

I have a steady job which I don’t love but it is nice to have steady money. (I’m working on getting a job I love.) It’s very stressful to be scrambling for money. I live well within my means so that I can save every month. I decide what feels luxurious for me so I get to feel rich while living simply. For me, it is a treat to be able to go to the grocery store and buy whatever I want with out checking for prices. This is real luxury for me that doesn’t actually cost me that much. I’m cheap in areas I don’t care about. For example, I am content to drive an old car which means no car payments and cheap insurance.

Relationships!

The best thing I’ve done for myself is to make good relationships a priority. I was happy to be able to honestly say that I have 6-10 good friends and that I have a close relationship with my family. That wasn’t always true for me.

Advice for people who need it:

I highly recommend making relationships a priority. If you are having trouble making friends or unsure where to make friends, here are two main ways you can start to improve that.

First, learn to take good care of yourself and start with small steps. For example, start doing things you like to do, even if it is on a small scale. You want to be a famous dancer? Turn on some music and dance around in your room. What does this have to do with relationships? Your level of happiness shows up and people will be attracted to you based on that happiness.

Sometimes it can be hard to learn to care for yourself if you weren’t raised that way. Just take one small step. Sometimes, even if you were raised well, it can be so easy to forget what you love and what makes you happy. It can also be easy to not take your preferences seriously. If you really feel so much happier when you go on a walk after dinner, GO ON THAT WALK! Your happiness is important.

Next, even before you have made yourself all happy and perfect, go out and find some people to be with! Your personal balance and maturity and the health of your relationships are intertwined and you need to pursue both.

Two good places to meet people if you are feeling shaky socially: churches and support groups. To put it plainly, these are places that will accept you even if you are socially inept and to be socially ept :) you need to be around people. To be socially ept, you also need to learn a lot of skills, so do some reading about relationships, take some classes, practice some skills, learn by observation. Avoid the pitfalls of seeming desperate (which can be hard if you are just coming out of seclusion - why support groups are helpful) also avoid the pitfall of arrogance. Really try on the belief that most people have something valuable to offer you.

Tip: If you are not religious, a good church to try is a Unitarian Universalist church.

Ps: I would have loved to read other people’s advice, but couldn’t find it. What’s your happiness advice?

PPS: Once again they scored me low in the friends and family department when I think that is one of the best things about my life. Shall I be punished for my unhappy childhood forever, internet quiz?

Related posts

• Yet another resource about how to live longer and happier (0)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• The Religion of Diet (3)

Would I have to rely on the money to motivate me? Would I have to think thoughts of “deliciousness” and “fun” ad nauseum? These were the questions that haunted me. (Can you be haunted by questions after only two days?) Not to worry! Today I spoke with real enthusiasm to a co-worker. And you know what brought on this great enthusiasm? Blogs! And their many uses. Yay! I just got myself invited to some meetings.

And they want me to go to a conference in June. This tickles me to no end.

Related posts

• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Small social circles (5)
• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)

Hey all ya’ll! Just got back from my first day of work. Here is my advice to me and you. If you have additional advice, I’d love to hear it!

1. Make everything as convenient as possible: convenient haircut, under 10 minute meals, convenient transportation. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
2. You work for you. Do your best job you can for your company, and remember to keep your list of accomplishments updated and to keep your eyes open for opportunity. Don’t misplace your loyalties. Don’t bond to an entity that can’t bond back, and while doing your best job now, remember your long term goals.
3. Choose your tasks with awareness. As set in stone as job descriptions sounds, there is usually some leeway to follow different paths. Sometimes women are used to being in support positions and helping someone else achieve their dreams, even at work. Make sure you take what leeway you have in your job to create. Be the architect of your own dreams.
4. Decide not only what you will do, but how you will do it. I like to ask myself, how can I make this fun? I realized today that for me it is fun to have friendly relationships at work. Asking myself, “How can I make this fun?” reminded me to seek out human contact even though I was feeling shy.
5. Add pleasure to your daily routine. Do you just love a certain author? Get the book on tape to listen to while you drive to work. Put a postcard size replica of your favorite painting up in your cubicle.

I don’t know how parents can take care of their kids and work full time jobs. Working parents of the world, I salute you. Future husband, please start doing something that you can earn enough money working part time at and still help support our future family. I’ll work on that too.

Related posts

• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Just in time for the holidays: My Christmas Wish List (0)

Seriously, this was my day. I knew I had to wake up early, but there was no alarm clock to be found in the dirty but lovingly offered apartment of a friend I am cat sitting for. So, even though I was surviving on very little sleep from the night before, this morning I woke up at 6, and then 7, and then 7:15… You get the idea. All to be sure that I woke up on time to drive a friend to the hospital.

In dating, they say you should keep your options open until you know the person you are committing to is just as committed to you. So it also goes, in the job hunt. Well, I have been seriously counting my chickens when all I’ve got is eggs, during the last few days. And today was the day the hiring manager was going to call me and let me know if I was off the market or not. My friend who I drove to the hospital was giving me advice in her time of need, about salary negotiation. I have moved out and haven’t moved in anywhere. (Thus, the cat-sitting.) So I gave the HR person two numbers and crossed my fingers that she would find me, but she didn’t call!

I felt like one of those girls who has read too much into a guy’s casual interest and then had the misfortune to brag about it to everyone! I have been slacking off on my job hunt and kind of waiting to decide where to live based on this call. I’m tired and stressed and I watched 3 hours of Sex and the City today. (That was one of the good parts of the day.) I had to compulsively check my email one more time before I went to bed, and there was a message from the HR person. Her child was home sick. She did not just blow me off. I didn’t wait by the phone in vain. Phew…. Adventure is great, but uncertainty on so many fronts is stressing me out.

Good night!

Related posts

• What I’ve learned: Advice for the working woman (0)
• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)

I feel a little sytmied in my job search right now. I have mailed out lots of resumes and cover letters. I have written to my contacts and asked them for leads and advice. Hmmm. My mailbox is empty, I have no new phone messages. Does this mean I actually have to start calling people now? I’m all revved up and ready for action and not sure what to do next. But at least the music is good! (Thanks to Pandora and a new independant radio station in my town.) Here is my list of my favorite songs from Pandora:

1. Gone For Good The Shins …Closer To You Radio
2. Gillian (Live) The Waifs …Closer To You Radio
3. Bird On The Wind Mia And Jonah …Closer To You Radio
4. Smile Mia And Jonah …Closer To You Radio
5. Gone For Good (Alternate Version) Shins .…Closer To You Radio
6. Get Out The Map Indigo Girls …Closer To You Radio
7. What If No One’s Watching Ani Difranco …Closer To You Radio
8. Space Age Mom Damien Jurado ….Love Will Come To You Radio
9. Coalminer Mia And Jonah ….Love Will Come To You Radio
10. Your Scars Charlemagne ….Love Will Come To You Radio
11. Black Superman Jude ….Love Will Come To You Radio
12. Trouble Elliott Smith ….Love Will Come To You Radio
13. Prince Of Darkness Indigo Girls .….Love Will Come To You Radio
14. Become You Indigo Girls ….Love Will Come To You Radio
15. The General Dispatch .….Love Will Come To You Radio
16. 2:45 AM Elliott Smith ….Love Will Come To You Radio
17. Bird On The Wind Mia And Jonah ….Love Will Come To You Radio
18. What Can I Say Brandi Carlile .….Love Will Come To You Radio
19. Rose Parade Elliott Smith ….Love Will Come To You Radio
20. Love Will Come To You Indigo Girls ….Ani Difranco Radio
21. Closer To You Brandi Carlile ….Ani Difranco Radio
22. Shelter Me (Live) The Waifs .….Ani Difranco Radio
23. Fireflies Firecracker ….Ani Difranco Radio
24. One Monkey Gillian Welch ….Ani Difranco Radio
25. Easy On Me Jeff Black ….Ani Difranco Radio
26. Bird On The Wind Mia And Jonah ….Indigo Girls Radio
27. Everything I Wanted Jonatha Brooke ….Indigo Girls Radio
28. Out Loud Dispatch ….Indigo Girls Radio
29. Abilene The Great Unknowns ….Indigo Girls Radio
30. Turned My Back Theresa Sokyrka ….Indigo Girls Radio
31. Cemetery Gates The Smiths …..Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio
32. The Whole Of The Law The Only Ones …..Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio
33. Hold On To Your Friends Morrissey …..Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio
34. Half A Person The Smiths …..Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio
35. I Want You Around (Ed Stasium Mix) Ramones …..Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio
36. Eventually Brendan Benson …..Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town Radio

(The “radio station” is based on an artist or a song.)

Related posts

• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Heavy heart/light heart, a journal entry (4)
• 20 Things you Love to do (0)

I’m loving reading my small list of regular blogs lately. I stopped looking at my stats and I feel much about blogging now. I just check in with my blogs and it feels like checking in with friends. (It literally is for several of the blogs.) I like to hear how everyone’s life is going. If you haven’t read Blaugustine lately, or ever, check it out. Natalie is telling about her life while showing paintings along the way. It’s like reading a moving novel. I wish the people in my family would do that. Oh, you know what it’s like? It’s like reading a novel in installments. There used to be cheesy novels published a chapter a week in our local newspaper. My friend and I could hardly wait every week to read those chapters. Maybe I will do what Natalie is doing someday.

Tonight I went to a wine tasting. It was a single’s event and there were more people I knew there than I was expecting. I don’t drink wine, (or milk, or orange juice or soda pop…) but that only came up a few times. I didn’t realize it would be a singles event for some reason. Anyway, I got a woman’s number, which is becoming a habit at theses things. I think she might hook up with one of my guy friends which would be really cool. She has a guy in another town she wants to set me up with. She said he is the kindest person she knows and everything about him sounded great until she said that he is “interesting” looking. That could be really bad. I can be attracted to a wide range of types, but they need to at least fall somewhere in the range of normal. So far, anyway.

An acquaintance that I saw there, who I heard has a crush on me, gave me some advice. He told me that I should get any kind of job I can while I’m looking for a job. That way I will really be able to interview employers and see if they are a good fit for me during the interviews. Making sure employers fit me is the same advice that Andrea gave me and I think it’s a good idea. I thought I would have to leave this town in a month if I didn’t get a job, but I don’t want to leave! So maybe I will just try and find a temp job. Another guy said that is how he got his job at a University I just applied to. He got work as a temp and then they just hired him! I know the same person who he knew who helped him get the temp job, so maybe that will work for me too.

In good employment news: I just got an email from a science group who want me to do some work for them. Yay! So, there will be a little more money coming in this month. That is a good thing. I feel comfortable where I live and I have had a social engagement every night this week and have something for the rest of the week. I like having something fun to do every night. It gives rhythm to these days that could otherwise stretch into boundaryless job searching.

Related posts

• Real Life Update (5)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Love and Survival (1)

Have you noticed how diets are like the new religion? I guess it’s not surprising considering how diets are equated with morality in our modern world. Being thin is equated with being beautiful and both are equated with being good. When you are talking about your worth and morality, you’ve got quite a touchy subject on your hands. I think when it comes to diet, like when it comes to religion, I’m a Unitarian Universalist, not a fundamentalist.

Back in December, I had an online conversation which made me feel like I was unexpectedly at a revival when I thought I was at a block party. In an online radiant recovery group, a woman who was having trouble with cravings asked for advice and I replied:

I have the same trouble and have jumped in and skipped steps several times in this program. One HUGE support for me has been supplements. I highly recommend reading The Mood Cure, taking the mood quiz and getting the applicable supplements. That has helped me a LOT. Good luck!

I was then chastened by the moderator, and realized I had stumbled into a revival:

…Just wanted to let you know that on this list we don’t discuss supplements and other programs. Our… list is used for social support and interaction, planning get-togethers, and issues of doing this program as it relates to our geographical area…

Kathleen DeMaisons, the author of Potatoes not Prozac, chimed in with her thoughts about the Mood Cure:

and for the record, I would like to say, I respectfully disagree with Julia Ross’ approach to healing. I think that recommending a gadzillion supplements reinforcing addictive thinking about *taking* things to get well. I know that eating breakfast is not sexy and takes longer, but that is where we are at with this program.

warmly,
kathleen

I don’t mind that Kathleen doesn’t agree with me, but I don’t want to be in a group where I can only say what we’ve all agreed we can say. What is the point in talking if we can’t share our real experiences?! I wrote an ultra (I hope) diplomatic letter in response today:

Hi Kathleen and Peggy,

I really like PnP, it has helped me a lot, and I was looking forward to being on this list, because I am definitely sugar sensitive. Other things have helped too, including The Mood Cure. Kathleen, I think it is interesting that you don’t like Julia’s approach, since you also recommend supplements. She recommends very reasonable amounts of supplements, and her book is very helpful in finding out which supplements work for which ailments, and understanding how food choices affect mood.

I understand that people have differences of opinions. I like variety, and I need to be in a group where I can bring all of me to the table. Peggy, telling me I can’t mention supplements makes me feel a little like I’m in a fundamentalist church, and I can’t be honest about my experience. Also, if I can’t share honestly, I worry that other people aren’t able to share honestly either. I’m considering leaving the group.

I wish you all the best and am still very open to meeting with people who are following the PnP program. I would love to get together in person or talk by email and support each other along our perhaps slightly different but still intertwined journeys…

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• "O" (2)

My response to Laura’s response to Steve’s post about fixing the problems in the world.

Hmmm.. I agree with both of you. I think we should all be like medical doctors and first do no harm. After that, I think there is a lot of room for variation. I am one of those save the world types that I think Steve and Laura both are. However, the world would be very boring if there weren’t the decorate and make things pretty types and the look at me aren’t I beautiful types and the I’m so charming types. (I’m sure we all have a little of all of those, I know I do. Tounge in cheek aside: As Max in Sound of Music said, people aren’t good or bad, they are charming or dull.)

That being said, I do think a call to action can sometimes be very healthy. Some people may need a call to action. It’s all about balance. If you are a save the world type, I think it is wise to follow Laura and S. Covey’s advice and focus your efforts on your area of influence rather than your area of concern and then your area of influence will grow. But first, do no harm and be kind. We save the world types can sometimes be pretty hard on other people and ourselves, at least I know I can.

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Portends of Grrr… (1)

Jo over at Overexcitable asks “How can we give all gifted people acceptance and meaningful work in modern western society?” Like many people who answered her question, I don’t think it is a question of giving gifted people something. I think it is a matter of gifted people learning to give something perceived as valuable.

There are a lot of other factors besides being gifted that affect where and how a person can best fit in and give to society. To maximize the fit of all those variable that make up a person, it’s important to

• know your self,
• be clear about your intentions, and
• be able to regulate your self.

Yes, being different throws in a few more challenges. (And probably everyone knows what it’s like to feel different.) For instance, I often run across the probably common challenge of being in a meeting and wanting to get the best possible outcome for the goal. If I present my ideas and no one has a better idea, so I take control and push my idea, than I lose several of my bigger outcomes. When I’m clear about my real outcomes, which in the case of meetings are usually a goal outcome that works, and happy relationships which will facilitate an effective community, than I will approach the meeting very differently. It is annoying to have to reign myself in, but that’s being a mature adult.

Where self-knowledge comes in is putting myself in situations that most value what I have to give. I think that is good advice for everyone. If you give something perceived as valuable, you will be valued. (Maybe that is part of Jo’s question. Where will gifted adults most be valued?)

That’s my practical answer. I think in reality, sometimes you are bursting at the seams to give your gift, and you must give it, whether or not it is valued. I’m thinking of Van Gogh, and a thousand other musicians and artists and writers. The thing is to know yourself, and be clear about your intentions. I don’t think it will work to tell society, “Please value me!” Nor do I want to do that. I do think that it is reasonable to provide support for everyone to help them learn how to balance their needs, including self-expression and belonging.

How do you balance your needs for self-expression and your need for belonging? Do those needs converge in your life or do they pull you in different directions?

Related posts

• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Real Life Update (5)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)

I was just thinking about the characteristics of gifted people and wondering what is going on in the brain to produce that cluster of characteristics. My preliminary thought is that there are primary characteristics and secondary characterizes. For example, I think the, probably, primary ability to see the difference between what is and what could be often leads to the secondary characteristic of perfectionism.

I love that I’m finding validating writing about gifted characteristics. As many of you know, it can be hard when the way you are is not normal, especially if you can’t quite figure out why. However, some of the writing just isn’t practical and elevates some characteristics that don’t seem to warrant it. Some of the advice is basically: “The world should learn to value these characteristics.” Well, that’s helpful.

I think it is important to value and accept yourself. I also think it is important to take responsibility for yourself if you want to get the results you want. So, I propose that gifted folks just need to learn to be super self-regulators. That’s what we are doing anyway when we are ultra-critical of ourselves and ultra-sensitive. I guess we just need to be informed self-regulators. Value all of our characteristics, and just know in which contexts they will get us the results we want. The prevalence of loneliness in the gifted is not right! If our gifts are keeping us from some of the best of what life has to offer, I would hardly call them gifts. Let’s use our brains to get the sweetest marrow of living.

I’ve been wanting to take Michael Hall’s workshop about personal mastery for awhile, but I’m a bigger fan of the clarity of Steve Andreas’s thinking. Maybe Steve can present at Seng’s next conference, and all us bloggers can go there and meet!

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• Real Life Update (5)
• Just in time for the holidays: My Christmas Wish List (0)

I started a new diet on Halloween. Halloween!! All that missed candy!! In sharp contrast to Laura’s advice at Starling Fitness, I am doing a diet which restricts my food choices. It’s an experiment. I’m trying it until Thanksgiving Day, at which time I will eat everything that I want to, which will probably not be as much as I anticipate. The Rosedale Diet is supposed to turn me into a fat burning machine and make all my inside systems much more youthful. I’ll let you know. Tonight I made a “pizza” which would have been much better if the recipe hadn’t referred to it as a “pizza.” I weighed myself for the first time today, on a neighbors scale, so that will have to be my benchmark.

My experience: So far my biggest fear of being hungry has been realized, all because of lack of planning. I also feel a little weird. I don’t know how to describe it, I don’t have the icky low blood sugar feeling, but I do feel carb-deprived.

Links

• A Diet Blog weighs in about the Rosedale Diet.
• L. Robinson’s personal experience with the diet over at free dieting.
• A Blogger is documenting her experience on her blog (named Rosedale.) She started in September.
• Jonni Good blogs about trying out the Rosedale.
• A Rosedale Diet yahoo group that you don’t have to join to read.
• A Mixed review over at Everydiet.
• A list of the allowed foods by NC… from a discussion at low carb friends.
• A Threaded discussion about the RD also from low carb friends.
• Dr. Mercola gives Dr. Rosedale props. (Dr. Mercola loves Dr. Rosedale, Dr. Mercola loves Dr. Rosedale…)

Wish me luck!

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Kathy Smith’s fitness blog (2)

Here’s another poem that speaks to me. It’s for the enneagram type twos.

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
‘Mend my life!’
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

- Mary Oliver

Related posts

• The Religion of Diet (3)
• The Blue Guitar (3)
• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)

Like some other bloggers, perhaps your roommate is not the best. Maybe your roommate is reading bad roommate advice, or maybe you have a schitzonphrenic cleaner on your hands.

Not to be confused with the Neat Freak, The Schizophrenic Cleaner is a slob 90% of the time, but during that other 10% (usually on Sunday afternoons), the Schizophrenic Cleaner becomes the most unbearable roommate known to science and attempts to clean two months of filth in two hours. Often this is accompanied by scathing diatribes against all other roommates in the house whose only crimes are that they aren’t overcome by sanitary mania at the exact same time.

Some mean people seem to think they are doing you a favor or something. Mean people suck, but you can learn to get along with many kinds of roommates. Unless you have a roommate from hell.

No line remains uncrossed by a truly evil roommate.

So you may want to kill your roommate, but you should probably just Run Away Like Wild Horses over the Hills.

My evil roommate enjoys angry outbursts, schitzophrenic cleaning, self-righteous telephone indignation, and gardening.

Categories: My Life, Links

Related posts

• You can trust yourself (1)
• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)

Umm.. yes, while it’s true that it’s good to love yourself and if you don’t you might self-sabotage (see last post,) self sabotage can also be healthy! I forgot about that until today when I was listening to a CD of my old NLP instructor Nick Le Force. He reminded me that if you try and make a change that does not meet the needs of all parts of yourself, you might self-sabotage. You’ve got to consider ECOLOGY! Resistance may be an important signal to you that there are other important factors you need to consider as you create your goal.

Here is some web-based advice to deal with self-sabotage. John David Hoag writes about ecology issues that come up when creating goals:

“What do you want?” isn’t always easy to answer. We may have conflicting thoughts or feelings about it. We might welcome help to resolve an important issue. But beneath our desire for help we might not be entirely sure we want the issue resolved. It might be a sort of “inner secret” for us, even to ourselves. This is called an “ecology issue” in NLP. Unlike traditional therapy which calls it “resistance,” NLP doesn’t minimize or pathologize it. In NLP we understand that it is precisely those ecology issues that are the keys to unlocking new realms of potential. Before any change can take place — and reaching a goal is a change — resolving a problem is a change — the ecology must be attended to. Otherwise, we’ll be going nowhere fast on the road to our desired outcome. Our ecology issues can stop us — because they’re so important.

So, how do we figure out what those conflicting thoughts/feelings/needs are? Laura Moncur at Starling Fitness recommends writing it out, so does Sraightforward Coaching:

If you find yourself struggling to manifest a goal you have set yourself, try this exercise* to discover the hidden fears, beliefs and values that might be holding you back: write down all the reasons why you DON’T want that goal in your life. Let your darkest thoughts surrounding your goal reveal themselves on paper and keep writing until you can’t come up with any more. These are some of the fears, beliefs and consequences surrounding your goal or decision and they might include the one(s) that are holding you back. Once they are all out in the open, you may find some issues you need to work through before you are ready to achieve your target. Reframing or redefining your goal to address the conflicting value or belief could also work to integrate the goal with your personal ecology.

After asking yourself some good questions, NLP Weekly recommends giving yourself time:

Let the questions sink in.
Write them in your journal (you do have a journal, right?).
Read them before bed time and wait for answers.
You’ll get dreams, songs, words, flashes, memories, voices… don’t ignore them. It’s important to notice, note and acknowledge. Your brain doesn’t like keeping riddles unsolved.
Asking good questions and giving it time to find the answers with no pressure, is one the greatest talents you can develop.

Reading and thinking about ecology reminded me, once again, how important it is to treat myself kindly. If part of me is protesting, (which shows up in my weight loss goals as eating fattening food I don’t even want,) then instead of dragging those protesting parts of myself kicking and screaming, I can attend to myself, (listen!) and do my best to meet all my needs, address my concerns, and calm my fears. As you know, those protesting parts are hard to ignore. You might as well turn to them and say, “So, what do you want, anyway?”

Related posts

• Hug the Dragon (0)
• Cleanse, Day 9 (1)
• A new diet, just in time for the holidays (4)

I’ve been in a stew. My aunt said it best, “When you are sick, everything has portends of doom.” Yesterday, I talked to a school advisor who said I would probably end up working in a coffee shop, (or was it a gas station?) after hearing my professional plans. Asshole. For some reason, knowing that I was going to ignore his advice gave me the same feeling as Allison running from the cops. I felt like I stepped into another reality, without the protection afforded by following the sanctioned rules of the group. I saw my reflection in the blank TV, with my matter of fact eyes, and could see the little girl I used to be, with no respect for authority for authority’s sake, no respect for rules that didn’t make sense. I used to refuse to call adults by their last name and would call them by their first name, as they did with me. Are some of us just born that way, or is it a product of my childhood where I was inherently an outsider, so I could see with more unsocialized eyes?

I went to the library to get more videos to ease my at-home-with-the-flu boredom. I was looking for videos that would make me feel better and change my darkening world view. It’s interesting how many movies have the theme of the individual vs. the group. I checked out Cold Sassy Tree and Clueless, among others. I watched Cold Sassy Tree. The main character is trying to find a home and is shunned for her non-conformity by the townspeople. I can relate. Luckily she finds a stand up man, so she has a framework of safety around her different ness. I can relate to that too. No matter how weird you are, if you have a stand-up conformist-seeming man, you are still acceptable, not dangerous as you might be on your own. Yesterday it seemed to me that so much art, like movies and music, was made by non-conformists who were sending secret messages out to us other non-conformists telling us, “It’s alright, keep following your dreams, you can find a way, a path, no matter what the herd says.”

Seemingly paradoxically , I am finally discovering how important having a group is to me, and am learning to reach out to people when I need help. It’s a very healthy thing for me. Yesterday I could viscerally feel the safety in it, especially after watching the Net! (It’s not the video to watch when you are feeling jumpy from running from the cops, or sick.)

Related posts

• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• Cleanse, Day 9 (1)
• Real Life Update (5)

It started on Wednesday with a hacking cough and congested lungs. I had a fever of 101 to 102 until the middle of Saturday night, when it broke, and I woke up soaking wet.

Since I moved to a new place I have gotten about 4 or 5 colds. I usually pride myself on not getting sick and when I catch the rare cold, I boast that I can recover completely in 2 days or less. Once my roommate and I had the same cold and she was sick for 3 weeks and I got better in, yes, two days. My plan:

• Rest immediately, don’t work through the illness, it will just prolong it.
• Gargle with hydrogen peroxide at the first tiny tickle in your throat.
• Start taking zinc lozenges right away- 6 a day, suck, don’t chew.
• Eat chicken soup with cayenne pepper and raw garlic in it- enough of both that it burns your throat.
• Mix salt with warm water and suck it up through your nose - cleans out germs and mucus.
• Avoid cold medicines that dry you out- your body is trying to wash the virus out.
• Drink lots of liquids, of course,
• take Echinacea and vitamins, and
• eat healthy, and avoid sugar.
• Wash your hands often and disinfect surfaces you touch a lot, like doorknobs. (This is probably more for the people around you.)
  

It works! So, in the past, I didn’t mind getting a cold so much- I hardly ever got one, and when I did, I had an effective routine. Now that I’ve gotten 4 or 5 in one year, I’m feeling a little irritated and frustrated, and my treatment enthusiasm is waning. That protocol takes energy. I’m tired of telling people, “Sorry, I can’t, I’m sick.” I feel more inclined to work through the cold, so I don’t miss out on stuff. This weekend I would have gone on a road trip to Arizona, even with a cold, if I didn’t feel so bad that it would have been ridiculous. I missed a fun dance last night which two people invited me to, I’m going to have to foist my church job off on someone else today, and I just pray I can go to the concert I’ve been looking forward to tonight. Even typing this is a drain. This is one of the most miserable colds ever and after doing a symptom check on Web MD, I think it could be the flu. I have some of the worst symptoms of both the cold and flu.

Hope on the horizon: Web MD lists lots of ways to prevent the cold and flu, including getting a flu shot, (which I never dreamed I might do before.) Here is the one that prompted me to write today:

#5 Take a Sauna

Researchers aren’t clear about the exact role saunas play in prevention, but one 1989 German study found that people who steamed twice a week got half as many colds as those who didn’t. One theory: When you take a sauna you inhale air hotter than 80 degrees, a temperature too hot for cold and flu viruses to survive.

Hey, that sounds enjoyable! They also reccomend eating yogurt, which I used to do daily and now never do. Could that be the key variable for me? There have been so many changes in my life it’s hard to say what the real factors are in the no-cold, lots-of-colds difference. I’m going to drink some more liquids and take a hot shower. When I get better, (hopefully in time for the concert tonight… I can dream,) I’m going to eat yogurt and sit in the sauna. Meanwhile, I’m geting a shooting pain in my head when I move my eyes too far in any direction. This is beyond the scope of my treatment expertise. Any advice?

Wishing you health…

Related posts

• The Religion of Diet (3)
• Rate your life and my advice on getting up to a 6.4! (0)
• You can’t say you can’ play (Part 2) (1)

Wow, I can’t believe its day 9 of the cleanse! I called my mom the other day and she said she was sticking to the cleanse, but she was gaining weight because she was eating a lot of cheese. “Cheese!” I exclaimed, betrayed, “but we aren’t eating any dairy!!” She hadn’t noticed that part. We agreed that we could eat yogurt. Then she had the nerve to ask me if she could eat a brownie. “No!” I said, “you can not eat a brownie!” Then I relented and said of course she could eat whatever she wanted to. However, I gave her the advice I saw over on Laura’s weight loss blog, and reminded her that if she asked, her husband would probably make brownies again.

So, what about me? I’m sticking to my cleanse, but am still having trouble eating as many veggies as I would like. I actually like vegetables, but am some what at a loss about what to do with them. I’d like a wok so I could eat [I meant to type "make" ha, Freudian slip! I really just want to EAT homemade stir fry!] homemade stir fry. This morning I came up with an innovative and yummy solution to my no milk and no soy rule (no soy- I’ll explain later.) I used coconut milk in my oatmeal, slices of apples and cinnamon. It was really good. Truly, I want to enjoy eating and have that be a pleasure in my life instead of a utilitarian function.

Exercise: Last Thursday I did my new old Firm video, “Total Body - Time Crunch Workout.” Its only 45 minutes long with simple and hokey and EFFECTIVE exercises. It’s so much easier for me to get myself to work out with weights than to go running, because I know working out with weights is going to show. When I first started working out with weights, (I used “I want those buns!“) I lost 2 inches off my butt in 3 workouts and I’m not exaggerating. My sister-friend told me, “I love your butt!” It still rings in my ear to this day, although the butt she loved is hidden and weak right now. I will raise my rear again! :)

Today I’m going to go try, for the first time ever, the Fitprime video “Strong Bear.” Its with Tracey Long and I can tell its going to be good and tough. I’ll let you know.

Oops! What I haven’t been doing: the P and B shakes. (I bet my mom hasn’t either!) I’ll get on that.

Weight loss: My scale has just (unfortunately, serendipitiously?) died. It’s ok though. From being quite in shape and trim to quite out of shape and plump, I have gained 3 to 5 pounds. That’s why I didn’t notice how out of shape I had gotten for awhile. So, I’ll go by the fit of my jeans and the jib of my… something. (I just wanted to say, “jib.”)

Good Luck in your fitness goals!

Related posts

• Self-Sabotage can be Healthy (0)
• Hug the Dragon (0)
• Portends of Grrr… (1)

I’ve kind of prided myself on being able to stay connected to the people in my family who have very different political ideas… but I need some advice. Usually, I try to listen and understand where people are coming from, but right now I feel so outraged about the torture and killing going on in Iraq that I don’t feel, morally, that I can stay silent. Also, I feel very strongly about the current political issues, so I have a hard time talking about it without getting intense. I also don’t want to have a contentious or tension filled Thanksgiving. I’m going to be at my aunt’s house who is far right politically.

I’d like to be able to say what I think, inform my family of what’s going on, yet keep it light and warm and stay connected…

Thanks for any help! I was just on the phone with my mom and she said, “What ever you do, don’t bring up politics.” Even that made me angry and I said that with what is happening in the world right now, I feel it would be immoral not to.

Any ideas?

Related posts

• Thanksgiving poem (1)
• When I tell you what you think is an outrageous idea and you don’t know what to say to me, read this: (0)
• What’s your type? (or, Please can this be a meme!) (0)