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Hi!

As promised, here are my …

Habit Forming Tips for easy habit forming:

1. Make your habit very small and tiny.

I’m all about the grand gestures, and sometimes they work for me when it involves big goals like running a marathon or going to grad school. However, when I am trying to learn new HABITS rather than complete big PROJECTS, when I plan to overhaul my lifestyle, grand plans for change have failed!

In the past, when I have become sickened with my slothful ways, I have made charts about how I will spend my time. One hour for exercise, one hour for food preparation etc… After being shocked about how every single minute will be dull and accounted for with my new plan, I usually just end up feeling a lot of fear about the new super disciplined (and really tedious seeming) life I will be leading, and pre-emptively quit or quit soon thereafter. And the worst part is, I don’t just half-way quit, I grandly quit just like I grandly started, and I don’t implement my planned for habits!

Learn from my mistakes, internet people. I know how it is when you just feel you’ve got so much to change and you’ve waited long enough and you’ve got to do it all RIGHT NOW, but IF you want to make a behavior into a habit that becomes such an integral part of your life that you don’t want to have to think about it anymore, I suggest starting small.

How small? So small that it doesn’t scare any part of you.

For more tips and motivation about starting small, check out the relief inducing book Kaizen. (Here is an article about how a fiction writer is using small steps.)

2. INTEGRATE your habits into your life

For ease of habit formation, choose a habit that you can attach to something else you already do everyday.

For example, I want to move my body more. One of the next habits I am going to form is moving for 5-10 minutes right when I get out of bed. Attaching my new habit to my already formed habit of getting out of bed everyday makes it easier to start for the simple reason that it’s easier to remember to do it.

What is really cool about a new habit to an old habit is that this integrates the new behavior with your current life. For example, with my new habit, I’m just going to warm up and stretch without having to go to another room or put on exercise clothes.

I want movement to be that integral to my life, that it is just a part of how I do things, including how I wake up. It’s not that I’m exercising more (oh no, we wouldn’t want to do that now would we), it’s that warming up and stretching is the way I get out of bed. (see the genius?) In the future, I will attach movement to other parts of my life as well.

Integrating habits takes away the stress of “changing your life” and makes your new behavior just part of the easy way you already live.

Extra Tips:

1. When starting with your habit forming project, choose habits that you want to do everyday. Make it easy on yourself by not having to worry about what day it is. This will make it easier to just keep chugging along.
2. I also suggest the well known: make your habit measurable (AND SMALL!).
3. Record and acknowledge your success: give your self some stars on your calendar, or simply make a mark in a notebook. I am going to use Joe’s Goals to give myself some virtual stars. I am also adding my goal tracker as a blog badge for perceived accountability.
4. Make it easy on yourself. Start with only one to three new behaviors that you would like to turn into habits. Once those behaviors are habits, add a few more!

Do you have any new behaviors that you would like to incorporate into you life? Do you have any habit forming tips?

In the coming weeks, I’ll share the behaviors I want to make habitual, and update you on my habit forming progress.

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The author of the Blue Zone has studied long living populations around the world and now has advice for YOU online.

The advice about living longer always says stuff like: have a close circle of loving and supportive friends and family, economic stability, close access to nature, and interesting work. OH BOTHER, close friends and family… well, I guess if it makes me live longer…

Well, duh. I mean, of course I want all those things!

The trick is GETTING those things. I’ve lived what is probably a third of my life and I’m still working on getting all that.

So, I am taking a few simple tips and from the site and putting them into practice:

1. Get rid of your full size plates and use 9 inch plates instead. OK! THAT I can do.
2. Put movement into your everyday life. This one is cheating ’cause I already do that. ;) Walking is pleasure and a perfect stress reliever for me. I’m going to try and boost this one by inviting friends to go walking with me more often.
3. And, I’m going to make more of an effort to go to church every week. I’m blessed to live 20 minutes away from a church with an amazing minister. I might as well take advantage of that.

What are three simple things you can do to live a longer and happier life?

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My mom is (very happily) married to her 4th husband, so even though I am single, I have seen a lot of different types of marriages up close and I feel that I am highly qualified to answer this question. (Just kidding, I think everyone is highly qualified to answer this question. That’s why I asked! :)

My answer begins with who you should marry:

I think it makes sense to marry someone you are crazy about, someone who lights up your life and twinkles your toes, and is a decent person who treats people kindly, who is willing to work on a relationship, and who has goals that are compatible with yours.

So, if things aren’t going well and you think maybe you want out, should you call it quits? I have three answers for you:

1. YES

I think that if people are in abusive relationships, they ought to get divorced RIGHT AWAY! Don’t try and fix it! Get thee out!  The hard part is, what is abusive? That can be a trickier to answer than you would think when you are in a relationship and much easier to see when you finally get out.

If someone hits you, sexually abuses anyone, or in any other way degrades your soul, then I would JUST LEAVE (make you sure you research how to do it safely if you are worried about the other person hurting you- make your safety your highest priority.)

2. MAYBE

I just read on the Divorce Busting site that 1/3 of the marriages ending in divorce are abusive. That means 2/3’s aren’t.
If you are not in an abusive marriage, and you never felt twinkly about the person you are with, and you don’t have kids, I just don’t know. My only advice is that you do everything you can to improve the relationship and even if you decide not to try and keep your marriage alive, at least do everything in your power to be a true friend to the person you married.

I think that if you do decide to get divorced even after you make every effort to improve your relationship, the thing that will comfort you is that you have a healthy relationship of some kind and that you treated and continue to treat the other person very well. (And who knows, you might find that you can create a very satisfying relationship with the person you are with after all.)

3.Do Your Best To Save Your Marriage

If you once felt twinkly about your partner, if the person just annoys the hell out of you, you have lost interest in them, if you feel repeatedly rejected because they have lost interest in you, if you no longer find sex satisfying or any other host of problems- but they are not abusive, and especially if you have kids,

Then I would say do EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING in your power to make it work.

I’m thinking about this right now because I stumbled across the site: Divorce Busting and while I am very, very glad that divorce exists for anyone in abusive relationships, and I HIGHLY recommend high tailing it out of there (you can be so much happier when you are with someone who treats you well, you won’t even believe it), there are many people whose families are torn asunder who probably could have mended things if they had just known how. That is really tragic.

I really wish some of my friends, and my friend’s parents had access to this information back in the day.
Especially interesting articles from the site:

1.  The Walk Away Wife Syndrome
2. Hopefully Ever After 
3. He Must Be Teething

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I was listening to an interview with Peta activist Dan Matthews today on the radio. (I’d link to it if I could find it for you!) He recently wrote a book about trying to bring animal cruelty issues to the public called Committed.

It’s an interesting issue that I’ve been thinking about for a long time and I’m not sure yet if my life is matching up with my values. I’m still working it out. And like Alicia Silverstone says, it’s not all or nothing.

Here’s a list of what I think of animal rights and what I do:

Eating

I think that it is ok to eat animals and animal products, but not ok to be cruel to them. I don’t think raising or eating factory raised animals is ok.

What I do: I only buy fish or birds to eat. I try and buy “organic” “free range” birds and wild caught fish, but it’s really hard to tell how the animals were actually treated. It might be easier just to be vegetarian. I eat eggs but only “cage free” eggs. I buy eggs from birds raised on small farms when I come across them, even if they cost more.

The book In Defense of Food has reasonable and balanced guidelines for eating in a way that is healthy for us and the earth. He doesn’t advocate vegetarianism, but does advocate eating heavy on the vegis and light on the animals. This is more of an ecological way of looking at animal rights rather than caring about individual animals as much, but he is against eating factory raised animals.

Animals I wouldn’t eat even if I were starving. They are part of my tribe.

Hunting

Watching animals die at factories on Peta is like watching animals die on the discovery channel. It’s a harsh world in some ways, but should we contribute to that? With our human ingenuity we have really pushed cruelty over the top when it comes to killing other animals, simply due to efficiency. To bring our behavior more in balance with the rest of nature, I think we should at least be as ineffective as other predators and hunt for food we eat. (We, like wolves, are predators- see our forward facing eyes and motions.)

What I do: My behavior isn’t in line with this belief because I don’t hunt. I did go hunting with my dad and older brothers when I was a kid. They taught me how to shoot a gun. I loved hunting until they actually shot a deer. Then I cried and cried and cried.

Food I didn’t have to hunt for.

Clothing

I’m allergic to wool. I have very few shoes. A couple pairs are leather. I keep my shoes for so long (decades) that I don’t feel bad about that. If everyone had my shoe habits, very few cows would need to be killed for leather. So, I guess moderation is my general principle here. I’d definitely be willing to buy shoes made out of other materials too.

I think it’s alright to buy any kind of animal made products at a thrift store because buying them at a thrift store doesn’t contribute to the industry that makes those products.

Pets and feral animals

I have a friend who is a vegan AND a biologist. She thinks that feral cats should be killed because they upset the native bird population. It’s an interesting way of looking at the issue. As a biologist, she is looking at the population as a whole, but as a vegan, there must be some concern for the individual animals. (I think it can be successfully argued that you can raise and eat meat on small farms and other ways that are in balance with the environment.) Interesting.

I think it is horrifying to kill feral cats. I think a good thing to do with them is to catch them and spay or neuter them. Growing up, we adopted stray cats that wondered into our yard and spayed or neutered them. Last year my mom caught feral cats in her neighborhood in traps, got them spayed or neutered, and then released them back into her neighborhood. So, when it comes to these cats, I think of them as individuals, but when it comes to hunting, I’m ok with hunting for food because I’m thinking of the effect on the population overall and how it balances out ecologically.

I’m not saying either of these ways of thinking are better. I’m just thinking through this and noticing these interesting inconsistencies.

Feral cat in my mom’s backyard, neutered but not killed, and still on the prowl.

Animal Testing

Cosmetics: Absolutely not ok with me. I try and make sure I only buy things that haven’t been tested on animals. To survive, I can understand eating other animals, but for the sake of looking cuter?? No way.

Medical testing

This one is tricky. There is A LOT of lab work being done on animals in research centers and universities. I would never do this work. Does this make me a hypocrite for using the medicine that comes out of this work? My Granddad is on three medications for Alzheimer’s right now. I’m glad this medicine exists. It seems likely that it was tested on animals. What do you think about using this medicine?

I went to a lecture at the university I was working at. What they found out was facinating and might help humans a lot, but when I heard how they figured it out using lab animals, I wanted to cry and retch. After seeing that presentation I thought, maybe it isn’t so tricky. Maybe the sum total of what we’ve gained by dissecting creatures physically and dissecting reality into it’s component bits in our Western intellectual tradition does not equal what we would have if we lived and thought more holistically.

Granddad who I love very much who is helped by medication probably tested on other animals.

What do you think about these issues? I would love to hear from you.

Thoughts? Insights that makes any of this more clear? Any of your own inconsistencies that you notice?

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I just read a really interesting book called Awaken Your Strongest Self by Neil Fiore. It’s a little strange on first glance but I bought it based on the amazingness of his last book The Now Habit which is a highly lauded book about how to overcome procrastination. I read it before my last semester of grad school and the method he suggested really worked for me

In his new book, he talks about how the different parts of our brain can work together in harmony. There are a few ideas in his book that I’d tweak and some additional information I think would be useful to add that I might talk about in another post. He suggests a lot of homework that I haven’t done yet, so I can’t speak to the effectiveness of this program. I have hung a lot of the affirmations he suggests up in my house and I’m beginning to see the value and wisdom of them.

In his book, he says that, among other parts, we have the emotional legacy of our baby self who had limitless possibilities and was all powerful. About typical affirmations that say that anything is possible he says, do you really want your two year old self running the show? Hmmm… Read below to see they type of statements he suggests you tell yourself.

AWAKEN YOUR STRONGEST SELF: Speaking from Your Higher Brain*
Neil Fiore, PhD

When you, from the perspective and roles of your Strongest Self, speak these compassionate statements to the frightened and overwhelmed parts of you, you can:

• Create inner peace by connecting your identity to something stronger and wiser than your ego
• Transition to a new, robust self-image
• Access support and strength to cope with changing situations and relationships
• Reduce the stress and anxiety of struggling alone, separated from your True Self
• Empower yourself with the protective role, higher perspective, and compassionate voice of your Strongest Self

The following inner dialogue is more powerful than typical affirmations because you are speaking to a part of you that is separated from your larger support system and, therefore, is easily overwhelmed and stressed. You are empowered to protect and guide the parts that have limited––and out-dated––ways of coping with life. You, from your new perspective, can shift to an expanded identity that empowers you to protect your body and smaller “selves” and guide them toward inner peace.

In the compassion voice of your Strongest Self, you replace stress with safety and
connection by saying:

• Regardless of what happens in life, your worth is always safe with me.
• Regardless of what you can or cannot do, you are always worthwhile.
• Regardless of whether you win or lose, you deserve love, pleasure, and freedom from self-criticism.
• Regardless of what happens to you, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I will always respect my life and my body.
• Regardless of who stays or who goes, I am on my side. I will never abandon you. [My tweak: "... I will always stay with you."]
• Regardless of how healthy or ill you become, I appreciate the effort, wisdom, and protection given me by you, my body and my spirit.
• Regardless of how negative or intense your emotions, I acknowledge their validity for you, and I accept them completely. I am strong enough to be with your emotions. [My tweak: "Regardless of how positive, negative, intense or mild..."]
• Regardless of how uncomfortable others are with you, your feelings or your body, I will always accept you and remain at peace with you. [My tweak: "Regardless of how comfortable..."]
• Regardless of what happens in life, and regardless of your problems, I accept you and love you completely.
• Regardless of the health or weakness of my body, I can always heal my spirit.

*Adapted from Awaken Your Strongest Self [McGraw-Hill, 2006] and
Coping with the Emotional Impact of Cancer (BayTree, 2008)

© Neil Fiore, Ph.D., 1998-2007 All rights reserved. Permission is granted to reproduce, copy, or
distribute so long as this copyright notice and the full contact information listed below attached.
Neil Fiore, PhD, 1496 Solano Ave., Albany, CA 94706 voice: 510/ 525-2673
www.neilfiore.com www.yourstrongestself.com E-mail: neil@neilfiore.com

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Hi,

My name is Braidwood and I can not stand books that are fundamentalist when it comes to gender. You know the ones, “The Rules”, “Men are from Mars, Women don’t have a penis.” (or something like that.)

I have a couple friends right now who are really into a workshop that tells them all about what men are like and how men like to be talked to. (ARGH) It’s irritating, but because I love them I’ve thought about the appeal and I think it is this: relationships can be confusing and a set of simple rules can be comforting. “Finally, things will work out. I didn’t know these rules before, now I do, and I will be loved.”

I think the frustrating thing about it for me is that it is so all or nothing. I’m sure there is some good advice in programs like that, but it is either so freaking simplistic or the advice may be good but not attributable to gender. For example, one piece of advice is to ask a man to help you rather than blame him for not helping you. Men are so different than women, so it is probably hard for you women reading this to understand, but men actually prefer someone to say to them, “Will you please help me do the dishes?” rather than, “Why are you such a slob?! Why haven’t you done the dishes already!!?”

I know, it’s revelatory. I’m starting to question my femininity though because when I haven’t done the dishes I prefer that my roommate asks me to help rather than accuses me of being a slob too! Does this mean I’m not really a girl!?

So… it reminds me a lot of horoscopes. I sort of think it is funny to read a different month’s horoscope to people, because people who believe in horoscopes will say “See! That is so me!” No matter what you read. (I know, mean trick, but it’s so sadly funny.) I did the same thing once when my mom got a copy of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

My mom, my boyfriend, and I were driving in the car and my mom wanted us to read to her while she drove. I thought it was inane upon first flip through and didn’t want to read it. My mom and boyfriend started in on me *didn’t I know that men and women really are different? — Do I think they’re the same?? — So, I gave in and started to read to them, but I read everything it said about men as if it said it about women and vice versa. “This is so true!” They said, ” You have to admit, this is is so true.” “There’s some truth to it” I admitted, “but don’t you think some of the things I read about the other gender are also true for you?” “Not really, not like what he says about men/women. It is so amazing!” It’s amazing alright.

““““““““

*I always think it’s funny that the first thing people exclaim when I tell them that I don’t hold some stereo-typical view they hold (and these stereotypical views are always different- women are clean, men are messy; men are organized, women are flaky; women are pragmatic, men are more romantic; women are more romantic, men are staid; men focus on details, women see the big picture; men see the big picture, women focus on details! “Tastes great, less filling!”) is that men and women are different! How can I not believe that! Like just because I don’t believe in their stereotype, I have trouble telling men and women apart. HOW DO I FUNCTION with this mental impairment??!

It just makes me laugh. What is all this fuss about men and women being different? Are a whole bunch of people insecure that they are about to be mistaken for the other gender or what? I don’t understand where this intensity around this issue comes from. I know that men and women are different. You would think that as a non-bisexual person, people wouldn’t have to question me knowing that. I only want to have sex with one gender- clearly some differences must have crossed into my blood brain barrier. I just think the differences are self-evident.**

** (I think that if someone has to intensely argue for certain differences, maybe they doth protest too much.)

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This month I’ve decided to post topics that relate to or are inspired by National Women’s History Month. I went over to the NWHM site to see if they had a badge. They didn’t, so I made my own.

I would love it if you would join me in blogging for Women’s History Month. For the artists among you, this looks like a fun year to blog for Women’s History. The theme is art.

Other ideas for posts:

What are some pro-women books, movies, and music you like? Who are your heroes? What is your experience being or relating to women? Men, this includes you too!

(Oh yeah, and don’t worry if you don’t actually blog for all 31 days, as we are already 6 days in to the month!)

If you would like to add this badge to your site, just copy and paste the following code in your blog code:

<a href=”http://authenticthreads.org/blog/2008/03/06/join-me-31-days-of-blogging-for-womens-history-month”><img src=”http://authenticthreads.org/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/nwhm_badge.jpg” /></a>

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Just messin’ about the other night.

Game: one person is the interviewer, one is the interviewee, no pre-planning.

Result: 5 minutes of radio listening- frequent channel changes.

I hope you enjoy it! We did! :)

Oh bummer… the file is too big. Ok, instead, I’ve attached a picture of our cat visitor. S/he came back tonight! SUCH a cutie and SUCH a softie.

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I pretty much love this woman. I saw her book The Guerrilla Art Kit in a store today, looked it up online to put on my wishlist, and then went to her blog. Once there, I realized that I had already seen her blog before, probably linked to from an Illustration site?

She has awesome links, and awesome advice. Just check out what she says about Letting Yourself Soar:

PS: She has created an extremely informative period chart. That is what took my “like” to “love.”

Tags: artbooks

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This is a good quote for us for Valentine’s Day:

Tags: Valentine’sDay, love, kindness

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My mom is upset about the costly dental work I just had done that not only did not accomplish the objective of improving my bite, but left my previously pain free mouth with three tender teeth. I just figured I would cut my losses and move to Canada or France, but she thinks I should confront my dentist.

Here is her (slightly tongue in cheek at the end) letter she suggests I send:

Dr. Pat Patruchia xxxx
I came to you on xxx-xx-xx date and explained clearly that I needed my bite repaired. You should have explained to me that this was not your specialty and referred me to a bite specialist. But you didn’t; you told me that you could do this.

After spending 6 hours and $3000. in your office, not only is my bite problem not fixed but 2 other crowned teeth in my mouth that were previously fine are sensitive and often experiencing pain.

All I am asking is that you refund the $3000. I do not want to sue you but if I have to, I will. If I must pursue legal action it will be for more than this – it will also include the cost of repairing the other crowns, it will include my time, and it will include the cost of emotional damage to me, my mother, and my children and grandchildren down to the fourth generation.

Please respond within one week or I’ll be seeing you in court.

She has also consulted her dentist who thinks I did not get good treatment. (Yes, I got a recommendation to go to this dentist, but who really knows with dentists!)

My mom hopes I’m not mad at her for obsessing about my teeth. I’m not mad. She tells me that my great-grandma obsessed about my grandma’s teeth, who got unsuccessful caps on her previously beautiful front teeth, my grandma obsessed about my mom’s teeth- making her display her teeth as she told strangers how well her overbite had been fixed, and now my mom is obsessing about my teeth. I’m not mad, I’m glad she cares.

Teeth are so personal. They are so omnipresent in our consciousness when they are uncomfortable. The ironic thing is that I was blessed with really great teeth! They were white, they were cavity free, they were straight enough, but a series of small mistakes by dentists along the way has led to a situation like a bad hair cut where the hairdresser keeps cutting a little more off to even up the now way too short bangs, (or “fringe” for all my British readers (I like to pretend I have British readers).)

So pretty front teeth (I don’t want you to picture me all scraggly toothed) that don’t quite touch in the back, which is rather aggravating, especially after just spending $3000. Let us pray to the tooth fairy for pain free teeth that can chew, and a husband with Canadian citizenship.

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Using the principle of small questions and small actions, I’m building a list of what I want in a husband/partner. What is one thing your lover/ best friend/lover/wife does that makes you happy?

One answer I’ve heard from my mom:

Whenever her husband is going somewhere and she asks, “Can I come along?” He says, “Of course! I always like it when you are there.”

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Your question for the day, should you choose to answer it, from Elena over at French Toast Girl, is:

~*~  What is my most succulent option right now? ~*~

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Check out Tinsel Tales on NPR for some Christmas stories, cuddle up by the fire, take a walk in the desert, look out over the Ocean and listen to some stories. I especially like John Henry Faulk’s Christmas Story.

What are your Christmas stories? I don’t even know if I have Christmas stories… let’s see…
About 8 years old: Some one rings the bell. We open the door, there is a big box almost as tall as my head in wrapping paper! The top is open! 4 kids jumping up and down and screaming! I pull out a cheerleader barbie doll from the box. Pure excitement. Our moms are embarrassed.  They look at each other. I don’t care. What food is in there?!!

About 6 years old? A man knocks on the door. I answer. I’m in my pink nightgown and robe. The man asks in a strained voice if my dad is home. He is wearing a dark jacket. He has dark hair. I am innocent. I walk up to my parent’s bedroom to tell my dad that someone is at the door for him. I am first startled when I turn around and find that the man has followed me up the stares and is standing behind me in the hall. Uh oh, maybe I should have shut the door. He yells at my dad. They move into the living room. He knocks my dad into the Christmas tree. He knocks our Christmas tree down. Hey! You knocked our Christmas tree down! I think someone calls the police. Later, I feel somewhat sorry for that man. He looked so sad.

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You give one charity $25 and before you know it, Anthony D. Romero from ACLU is writing you compelling donation letters. And you can say to the letter, “Look, I know I donated to you once, but I just quit my job and Christmas is coming up.” To which Anthony responds,

“At the heart of our work together is a fundamental struggle in our nation that pits confidence and optimism against fear and insecurity.”"Well, that is intriguing, Anthony. I mean, you’ve obviously really thought about this. you’re getting to the heart of the matter. I completely agree. But, like I said, I’m running on soon to be broke mode, so…. good luck to you.”

Then, with his deep, dark brown eyes, Anthony looks deep into mine and says, “I’m urging you today to make a year-end donation to the ACLU as a personal reflection of you commitment to the confident, determined, and hopeful spirit that are fundamental to protecting and advancing freedom.” (emphasis his)

“Wow, Anthony, how did you know I’m committed to a hopeful spirit and to advancing freedom? I really am. It’s like, we’re so.. sympatico… But, look, I just can’t give you a donation right now with a cheerful heart, which is my way, but I can write about this on my blog and maybe give you wider exposure to a richer audience…” (Now I feel a little guilty, he doesn’t know how few people read my blog.)

I think he’s disappointed, but Anthony has class, “Thank you for all you have done to defend freedom in this especially challenging period - and for the leadership I know you will continue to offer as we move freedom forward in 2008.”

No, thank you, Anthony. Thank you for your optimism and your clarity and your determination, thank you.

PS: As a bonus just for Anthony, here is a link to an article about Naomi Wolf’s new book which lists the ten steps that people use to turn democracies into dictatorships: 10 steps to dictatorship

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I want to be a Galavanting Monkey and marry someone with deep goodness in his family roots. Pretty much, that is the main thing I want to create in this life: a clan with deep goodness at it’s roots. LOTS of love.

Hmmm…. Maybe I should change this site to “Also a Gallavanting Monkey” “Gallavanting Monkey in Training”, “Soon to be a Gallavanting Monkey.”

Yesterday I ate a bag of M & M’s and then immediately afterwards, I had a cold. I didn’t have a cold, I was perfectly fine, I ate a normal size bag of M & M’s, I did have a cold.

Today I am practicing the art of forgiveness. My boss is giving me grief for leaving early yesterday. I want to be self-righteous in my head, but (here is the forgiveness) she is only doing her job. I should also practice truth. Here is the truth: I left because the equation of “nothing left to do today” plus, “have to walk down to my car and put more quarters in the meter” plus “my last day is soon, what are they going to do, fire me?” plus “It’s 2:00 and I haven’t had a chance to have lunch yet” all added up in my head to: walk down to my car, but don’t put coins in the meter, just drive home and eat lunch there, ’cause I have nothing left to do today and what are they going to do, fire me?

Where o where could the self-righteousness come in, you say? Well, I’m home sick today and still checking my work email and I called a Prof. to help her with her grading even though I will not get paid for my helping hours at home. So, I guess I feel like I am a good worker if not a good employee because I do get the job done and I don’t want to inconvenience anybody.

Bonus of the day: I’ve never actually talked to this particular prof. and she has an Australian accent! It really goes well with the blog I tore myself away from to call her! Also her name is Jenny which is cute and also she was really nice, which is cute, especially when I have a cold.

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Man this guy was ahead of his time. So we’ve been plagued by the pitfalls of the modern age for awhile now, huh?

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Theresa Dinito writes about the dread of feeling masculine:

Masculine? Masculine. Ah, there’s the rub. The real double bind: feeling masculine.

The feelings I have when I feel masculine do not fit in with the definition of masculine. I do not feel like a man or a boy. What I feel when I’m feeling masculine is unfeminine, in the artificial sense of the word. The meanings and associations that have come to form around the word, feminine, have nothing at all to do with the actual living, human female being who does indeed grow hair, bleed and heaven help us, now and then doth posses and odor less than floral in bouquet.

The artificial female-the one that is held up for women in our society to emulate, smells flowery (always), is very thin, polite, dainty, delicate, pure, clean and hair free in all the required hair free places. Any deviation from one or more of the above requirements tips the scale over into the realm of unfeminine. Many deviations lead us down that dreaded road toward, masculinity…

It is a scale. Have you ever noticed that very petite women can be “firecrackers.” It’s like, they are petite enough that they can also be loud and opinionated and be seen as “feisty” instead of “bitchy” and still be a “feminine” “firecracker” rather than “emasculating.” (The qualities that men label “emasculating” say a lot about what men’s inner masculinity/femininity scales are like and what qualities they need to compare themselves to to feel masculine.)

I am tall, strong, hairy, and don’t wear make-up. I also have an hour glass shape which, combined with my long hair, tipped my scale safely towards feminine. Then my feet started hurting, so I started wearing clunky supportive shoes. Then I cut my hair.

The shoes and the short hair seem to have tipped my inner scale and it is teetering towards “masculine.” I don’t like this, in case you were wondering.

The teetering scale is probably why the size and gender of the people I’m around can tip it one way or the other. This is lame. I need, to totally mix my metaphors, to re-set my feminine set point so that it includes more of who I am, or to just not care. I want to feel comfortable in my skin again no matter who I’m around.

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For the past year or so, a creeping feeling of masculinity has wafted around me. I’m tall and I cut my hair short and I wear sturdy shoes. (Oh my!) I’ve always thought my face looks kind of boyish. And I’m around all these short, petite, skirt wearing woman. I feel the same way I’ve heard uncomfortable men describe themselves; as oafish and tongue tied in comparison. On the other hand, I feel strong. They are little and I am big, so, naturally, I feel protective.

The feeling of masculinity even made me wonder if I might be bi-sexual. I’ve scanned my memory and my emotions for sexual feelings towards women. (There was that one dream.) After such a scan, I have to admit that I am safely on the side of heterosexuality. I only want to have sex with men, and that’s the definition, right?

The only cure for feeling masculine? Being around men; strong men, with muscles. What a relief! I feel little again. I notice how curvy I am. My voice gets higher. I feel comfortable in my own skin. My face feels sweet and angelic, not masculine. Isn’t it strange? My embodied definition of feminine must be: “smaller” which I can only be in comparison. What a lame definition of feminine. I wish our culture didn’t put that kind of lameness on women. I wish I hadn’t absorbed it.

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Hi, You hab nice bacation? Oh .. you go to nother city? That’s good. How long? two weeks? That’s good.

I heard you’re looking for a new place?

Why? You found something? Oh let me tell you. The old owner, she die. Now her children, one in Austin, one in Santa Monica, they sell house. People come and look, but no one buy. Is good for me. [looks up] please just one more month, two! No one buy, too expensive! Two million! Old house! But beautiful view, That’s why. Two million! One for him, one for her. I get tired of counting one, one, one, oh too much money I have in my purse! I lost track! Million, never work again.

Oh, daughter, she no eat. She not hungry. She only smoke, oh and drink black coffee. Smoke in one hand, coffee in other. And she have… beer. but no eat. I say, you want some food. She say, no Ester, no. She sits with her head in her hand, like this, poor baby. Poor baby! I try and help. I say, I do some laundry for you? She say, thank you ester. I have pajamas and my bedding. I say, OK.

Her mother, I help her. She die in March, just 4 days, she be 100. 100! She beautiful! Her face, beautiful, and so sweet. She intelligent. books! books, books, books, But her memory gone. She say only, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. She look a person up all the way down to feet, up! ba, ba, ba, ba bery intelligent, first woman scientist here. I put my hand (she puts her hand on my shoulder) and she [she puts her hand on her shoulder and presses her face against it.] like this. Oh bery sweet.

Daughter look more old!

Nother surprise! Almost 100. No poo poo pee pee in pants. No. Never! Before she die, poo poo 4 times in bed, but never before that. She just uh uh, and I help like this to bathroom, take pants down, I say you up now? unh unh! No, she poo poo. Never diaper! Never! And her face, pink, and she take…[she motions]

earrings and necklace?

yeah, she take and put everyday, here, here, and I close lid. So sweet. I put my hand (she puts her hand on my shoulder) and she [she puts her hand on her shoulder and presses her face against it.] like this. Oh bery sweet.

So, I bery sad. I come out of my house. I live behind. I see the big house, I think oh, Margaret, my baby! But she 100. That’s too much. So, life.

But, no emergency. Maybe soon. You let me know. you tell people, Ester, she’s honest. She’s responsible.

Now, I look for job in the afternoon. I have my son, he’s in graduate school, and my daughter, she In graduate school, and I try to help out. I need one more job. I clean house, but now, I’m tired. They say, oh Ester, I don’t need cleaning today. I say, call, say no need. Gas is too expensive. I call and say, you need cleaning, say oh, my son and husband gone, not today, Ester.

My partner gone today, so I clean all the buildings, up, down. The worst is the classrooms and bathrooms on the first floor. Oh. today, throw up everywhere. in the sink, on the floor. the poo poo here, there, there. oh. Someone write in poo poo on mirror! Oh… I cry. not angry just, I try and make look so nice. oh. I think public can get in down there, maybe not someone from here.

Well, with job here I leave at 1 1:30, nice! So, I look for nother job. You hear? You tell, Ester honest, Ester responsible. I need more money, well, everybody need more money! But, now I think, Ester need more money!

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…consider that all those calculations of what is “in my interest” and what will benefit me and what I can “afford” grow tiresome. When we live rightly, decision by decision, the heart sings even when the rational mind disagrees and the ego protests. Besides, human wisdom is limited. Despite our machinations, we are ultimately unsuccessful at avoiding pain, loss and death. For animals, plants, and humans alike, there is more to life than not dying.

- Charles Eisenstein

This is the tail end of an article about the ethics of eating meat. He argues that it’s ethical because we are all going to die and the real question is how the animal was treated while it was alive. I admire vegetarians and feel like a hyporite when I meat, because I sure as hell don’t want someone to eat me! But, I still eat meat. I just haven’t managed to find a way to feel healthy and energetic without it. I eat meat less often than I used to and I’m down to birds and seafood. i think every little bit helps.

This article promted me to decide to take another step. I will work towards only eating farm raised or hunted creatures rather than factory raised creatures. I already only eat farm raised free range eggs and highly encourage you to do so as well. (More ethical and all you have to give up is a few more cents.) I do encourage you to buy your eggs from a local farmer if you have the chance as the label “free range” in the grocery store has a variety of meanings.

The article can be found here.

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* Eat whatever I want to whenever I want to.
* Don’t eat anything I don’t want to. (I just discovered this one.)

* Only exercise if I feel like exercising.
* If I feel like moving, let myself move! (I just discovered this one!)

These decisions are about noticing how I feel and completely trusting that what I want to do is alright. What would taste good to me? What do I really want right now? Do I want to lay in bed for an hour, or go on a walk in the park, or take a long hot shower, or do an exercise tape I haven’t done in years and then stop after 14 minutes, or go running and then sprint on some blocks juse for fun?

It’s a huge leap of faith! You mean, I could just eat whatever I want to?? Really? Me? :) And still be alive and stuff? And not weigh 300 pounds and stuff?

You mean, I could just, like, exercise when I want to?? And then like, lay around or dance in my living room if I want to? Like I’m just some kind of animal? ;)

Here I am deciding to let myself eat whatever I desire and move when, if and how I desire to. (Sounds very hedonistic no? Scary to inner puritan, no?) When I first made the decision to NEVER DIET AGAIN, about 2 years ago, I ate hot pockets everyday for about a month. Then I went through a licorice phase. I gained 25 pounds!

And then I eventually, blessedly, stopped obsessing about food.

I stopped eating more than I wanted to at parties because I knew, but really knew that I could eat more later if I felt like it. I stopped finishing all my chips if I wasn’t in the mood for chips, because I knew, I mean really knew that I could have more chips if ever I wanted to. I mean, it is amazingly freeing to stop obsessing about food. You of the long time dieters know how much brain energy goes into thinking about food. Imagine my relief.

You know which countries don’t have more depressed woman than men? The countries where women don’t diet.

But! You say, I don’t want to gain 25 pounds and have my arteries clogged with hot pockets! I know, I know, me neither. But I was even more sick of dieting or even being hyper alert about eating “healthy.” I made a full committment to never diet again whatever the results, and the results were not leading to many health goals at first, but strangely, I think this process of following my desires has now led me on a journey of having health and energy. Tune in tomorrow for the super secret of my success. Wait, that sounds too cheeky. Tune in tomorrow for the super secrets of my ordinary life of being fairly healthy and freeing up my brain to think about whatever I want to think about!

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I love fall. I especially love October. Bye October!

My friend forwarded me a chain email titled:

TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX.

My other friend waited until last night and sent this:

I just went trick–or-treating with my nieces and I think SEX is BETTER!

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…A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons…

Check out the fascinating reasons. :)

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I want to write a song that Bob Dylan sings.

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Yeha! :)

Ya so.. this is my first post in my new blog home. It’s like I finally got my own house… and I don’t know my neighbors yet… and I better have a house warming party so all my old friends who thought I dropped off the face of the earth know where to find me…. but maybe I better spruce up a little first.

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I was looking up “laughing” on google images so I could send my co-worker an image of someone laughing as hard as his email made me laugh. Naturally, I got completely distracted and found:

I think it highly commends a religion when the icon is often pictured laughing. It made me think of the contrast with the Christian religion which often glorifies suffering. I pictured the sad and serious face of Jesus that I’ve always seen.

“You never see Jesus laughing,” I thought. Then, at the top of the next page, who should I find but Laughing Jesus!

It almost seems sacreligious….
Or maybe it’s a sign… :)

Found at Christian Centered Mall.

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Good Boss

• Is focused on being effective.
• Knows what I do, what I like to do, what my goals are.
• Lets me own my job.
• Praises me when I take initiative.
• Encourages me to take on projects that advance our goals at work and that also advance my career goals and are in my areas of interest.
• Knows what’s going on overall at work and has a vision.
• Is very smart. I learn a lot from him.
• Is willing and eager to learn from me.
• Keeps our group informed about what is going in our wider organization and gives us the big picture about how we fit in.
• Treats us like we are strategic partners and listens to our ideas, and lets us run with the ones that we have made a good case for.
• Believes that people are capable, and interested in achieving their own goals.
• Knows how to help people achieve their goals while achieving organizational goals.
• The way he treats us is motivating.
• If I had my own company, I would hire him.

Bad Boss

• Is focused on feeling important.
• Doesn’t know what I do, or care what I want.
• Tries to own the people beneath him and their job.
• Micro-manges to the point of absurdity.
• Gets angry if people do something without asking him first.
• Yet is not helpful and does not know what is going on.
• Is not willing to learn from employees, sometimes not allowing them to talk.
• If I had my own company, I would fire him.
• Believes that people are bad and that if you don’t keep a tight reign on them, they will try to get away with stuff.
• When he talks to me, I want to quit.
• If owned the company, I would fire him.

This post references this post about bosses.
(Note: I went with all male pronouns for convenience.)

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“I don’t know, Alaska!”

Hey, don’t blame me, I’ve been with my Granddad for days now. :) He has Alzheimer’s, but he is still jovial and likes to joke around. We’ve been having a lot of fun. The other day we were going out to site see. We were going down to deck 7 on the elevator and and he asked where we were going. “We’re going out to the front of the ship, Granddad.”
“Any ship in particular?” He asked.
“The ship we’re on.”
“We’re not on a ship, we’re on an elevator!”
Then he led everyone on the elevator in singing, “By the sea, by the sea, by the beautiful sea…” :)

It’s been a lot of fun. When I get a chance, I’ll post some photos of the trip.

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An Atlanta Unitarian wrote about the UU sales pitch:

I was recently talking with another new Unitarian on how we “sell” our religion to others. My original sales pitch was: “You don’t have to believe in anything in particular to join our group.” Her sales pitch was: “We take the best of every religion, with out taking the bad stuff.”Well I don’t think it takes a genius to see which sales pitch is better. Hers is both better and more accurate than mine. In fact, my sales pitch is so weak I’m shocked I would even say it aloud – that the best we have to offer is a lack of constraints, total personal freedom? Is this what we offer? Why join a group whose main offering is to leave you just the way you were before you joined?

…I think there is a core stance to Unitarianism, or if there isn’t one I think there is something I would like to place at its center, to give it a core stance in my mind…

I think it is a profound difference that we can believe what we want to believe, and think what we want to think, and still be in community with others. That is huge and that is why I go to a UU church. I don’t understand why I read so many UU bloggers who seem to have a longing to have some kind of belief besides good moral code in common.

Also, I don’t think that UU’s are just changed by the communities they join, they also change the community. That is what part of my sales pitch could be:

~*~The UU church is a dynamic community. ~*~
~*~Imagine a spiritual home where you can actually add your voice, energy and vibrancy to the mix rather than suppressing it!!~*~
~*~Pretty radical, huh. ~*~
~*~It’s exciting and alive and you can be a part of it. ~*~

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I’m going to tell you all about the movie I saw tonight in another post, but first I have to vent. It is about the small pond I swim in at church and I guess it is a micro-chasm of what a political leader might experience.

First, let me plead my case: I am a leader of a church group with a fair amount of responsibilities. Our web person quit last year because so many people in our group complained about how she treated them, and the minister (gently) called her on it.

By default, the website fell to me, the only technical person left in leadership. I had grand plans, but eventually had to tell the group that I just didn’t have time to do anything with the website. We use yahoo lists to communicate anyway, and never use the site. The information on it is very out of date, and embarrassingly, an empty calendar sits on it, which is way worse than no calendar at all.

Now the lynching: A few months ago, it was time to renew the website. I said that I had no plans to renew it. This, of course, doesn’t stop anyone else from renewing it. However, the previous web person sent out an email to our list and said basically that I and our co-leader were killing the website. As if we had decreed that it could no longer go on, rather than simply refusing to take it on ourselves. She asked, in a very passive aggressive note, that they direct any complaints to us. Now people are writing in, mainly people who never help with anything, and are saying that we should really update our site, and keep the calendar updated. Yes, we should. I open the floor to all you complainers and non action takers, and say, be my guest.

This is the anger I have decided not to take out on the group.

grrr…

Thank you for listening.

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Written for me, by me, on this day

Go out and meet people. Be yourself. Be radiant! Radiate who you really are! Accept yourself! Wear clothes you like! Be ye not afraid. Don’t go if you don’t want to go! Forget should! Go forth boldly pursuing your goals. You do not have to give someone a chance! Make friends with who you please. Don’t apologize for yourself- whatever it is. Do what you want. Look out after your own best interest. Be wildly, exuberantly responsive when you can, with clear boundaries. You deserve to have boundaries. Just be clear and NO pressure to make promises that you don’t want to keep… go forth boldly to fulfill your dreams.

I read that a good way to solve your problems is to write a question at the top of the page and then write and write and write until you get something brilliant and usable. I must be a genius, because this is what I got in the first paragraph ;) Well, at least it is bold like William Blake says to be.

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A little snippet of what might have become a whole post, written April 9th

Every human life speaks to every other human life if expressed well enough.

“I just called to say hi,” I told my mom this morning.
“And to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day?” She prompted.
“Oh yeah, and to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day!”
We talked for a few minutes, but being in a time zone three hours later than mine, she had to get to church. First she wanted to tell me about her dream last night, and then, of course, she wanted to hear my dream.

I dreamt that I had plans with someone, but right before he came over, I fell to the floor with exhaustion. This is only a slightly dramatized version of my real life. Last night my friend never came over, I called her, and fell to my bed with exhaustion at 7:30. I knew this would mean I would wake up way too early, but I just couldn’t hold out until 9. That’s why I called my mom at 5:30 this morning, an hour and a half after I woke up. And how I had time to read poetry before I called, which came in handy as my mom missed the first hour of church while talking to me. In acknowledgment of her lost hour of church, I decided to give her a mother’s day sermon. I got it from The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart which I was reading this morning.

I was worried because when I read it earlier in the morning, I started crying at the first sentence, having read it before and knowing what was coming. I tend to cry when I read things to my mom, even if it didn’t make me cry on my own. “Don’t worry,” I told my mom before I started reading it, “I cried earlier, but I’m fine now.”

What Happened During the Ice Storm

One winter there was a freezing rain. How beautiful! people said when things outside started to shine with ice. But the freezing rain kept coming. Tree branches glistened like glass. Then broke like glass. Ice thickened on the windows until everything outside blurred. Farmers moved their livestock into the barns, and most animals were safe. But not the pheasants. Their eyes froze shut.

Some farmers went ice-skating down the gravel roads with clubs to harvest the pheasants that sat helplessly in the roadside ditches. The boys went out into the freezing rain to find pheasants too. They saw dark spots along a fence. Pheasants, all right. Five or six of them. The boys slid their feet along slowly, trying not to break the ice that covered the snow. They slid up close to the pheasants. The pheasants pulled their heads down between their wings. They couldn’t tell how easy it was to see them huddled there.

The boys stood still in the icy rai