Friendship Friday: How to make friends

Information about how to make friends from The Friendship Factor by Kenneth H. Rubin with Andrea Thomson. Kenneth Rubin and Linda Rose-Krasnor outlined how socially skilled children deal with social situations.

To be as socially skilled as these kids:

1. Have in mind what you hope to achieve.

For the average child, the hoped-for goal is often something pleasant and pro-social, such as persuading a pal to have some fun, or establishing a new relationship.

2. Remember strategies that might help you achieve that goal.

3. Choose the strategy “…that seems most appropriate to the specific context.”

4. Implement the strategy.

John suggests to his friend that they could have a game; Tammy asks the classmate on the cafeteria line how she did on yesterday’s math test. If this strategy doesn’t work, the child may either repeat it or else put plan B into action–John, for example, may agree to rent a video now if his pal promises to play PlayStation later. Alternatively, the youngster may abandon the effort entirely if his or her social goal seems unattainable or not so important or desirable anymore — in Tammy’s case, if she discovers that the kid she wanted to talk to was unresponsive or not that interesting.

If all of this sounds rather automatic, thats because for most children it is. Once learned well, the problem-solving process does not necessarily involve a great deal of thinking or conscious deliberation. There times, however, when social information processing is not automatic at all. If a child expects a friend to do one thing, for instance and the friend does something entirely different, the automatic response may be inappropriate. For example, if Millie asks a friend to join her later for shopping, and the friend says, “I can’t, I’m going to Vanessa’s house after school.” Millie’s expectations may be violated. But after stopping to think of an appropriate response and pausing to get over her disappointment, Millie–a self-regulated and socially competent child–may offer a counterproposal: “Well, maybe we can get together tomorrow.”

For the easily angered, aggressive child, in contrast, the only conceivable response may be the first one that comes to mind: “Well, that’s it for you, then. I don’t need you anymore.” In short, the aggressive child is likely to have many deficits in social information processing. For one thing, aggressive youngsters’ goals or motives are more likely to be negative in nature–they very often want to “get even with” another child or want to one-up him or her. And once they’re frustrated by not getting what they want, their scripted or automatic reaction is to respond immediately and negatively; they don’t pause to think about alternatives or other ways of solving a problem.

How to get better at pro-social friendships strategies:

1. To get better at pro-social behaviors, ask yourself: “‘What are all the things you could do…?’” about different social situations.

Thinking in the right way about the whole matter of friendship and peer acceptance is at the core of prosocial behavior.

2. Applaud your own pro-social actions.

3. Apologize if you have behaved aggressively.

4. Learn to join a group without taking it over: watch what others in the group are already doing, figure out how you can join and fit in, join in with what is already going on.

5. Make friends with people who are socially competent.

6. Spend good, friendly time with yourself and with other people in your life. Think about enjoyable things you can do and how you can increase pleasant interactions with yourself and others.

7. Talk to a professional if you need extra help learning social skills.

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