Random stuff I wrote while I was in Portland
I am traveling from the East Coast to the West Coast. In the meanwhile. I will leave you with some random writing I did three months ago while I was in Portland.
I watched a lot of TV in Portland. First I made fun of the TV shows my aunt watched. Then I got sucked in…
I am SO jealous of John and Kate plus Eight. I’m jealous of them as a couple. I’m jealous of them having kids. I want kids! but the truth is, if I was in that mix, what I would really want is to be one of those kids. I’d be Aaden. I’m jealous of the kids! I would love to be one of those kids. We all get the life we get and I swing back and forth between realizing I’m really lucky because I’m not in a war zone and I’m healthy, and then to aknowleding that I had a really crappy childhood and that still affects me. I really admire John and Kate. They are so practical and unpretentious. I would want John’s role. I am not as organized as Kate. I would rather bathe the kids than cook. WAY more.
Hi there - you say you had a crappy childhood - there is a ring of bitterness there - it keeps you at bay from being fully happy. I used to have a really crappy marriage & long after it was over I kept lamenting the fact and I seemed to be stuck on the idea of how I’d been done wrong - it took quite a while to release my grasp on that. It was sort of like if that person made it to heaven & so did I, I don’t think I could stay there in that same place - that’s how bitter.
I am over it now - I don’t know if it is because of anything I did or if it is because of it being a long time ago and good things happening in my life since then. I was glad to hear that that person finally had a good marriage with a person of a similar age. Also I’m glad it doesn’t consume my thoughts and conversation anymore - I just don’t think about it very often.
I hope for you a happy release.
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Hi Yak,
I’m glad you’ve been able to move on from the bitterness the bitterness you felt after a bad marriage.
I don’t know if me saying I had a crappy childhood indicates that I’m bitter… Should I say I had a warm, loving, safe, secure childhood? Would that indicate that I’ve healed?
Should I be over wishing that things were different? I do wonder about that. Like I said in the above post, “I swing back and forth between realizing I’m really lucky because I’m not in a war zone and I’m healthy, and then to acknowledging that I had a really crappy childhood and that still affects me.”
I’ve found that if I’m not honest conciously, I’ll be honest unconciously. I think it’s ok to bleed if you get cut, and I think it’s ok to feel emotional pain if you are hurt emotionally.
Maybe you are saying that bitterness is the emotional equivalent of cutting yourself again? Hmmm…
I’ve wondered about the difference between staying in emotions and stewing, and letting myself feel how I’m feeling. I think everyone has to work out that balance for themselves.
I have noticed that many people are uncomfortable with anger, pain, grief, and sorrow in others. Probably because they sure don’t want to feel those emotions themselves! This is why I think many people give such bad and unasked for advice to people who are in pain.
My sorrow about my childhood comes and goes. It isn’t constant like it used to be. Because of the very bad advice designed to protect the advice-giver that I’ve received through the years regarding painful or intense emotions, I usually take my own counsel about if it’s ok to feel my emotions, or if I need to think about something else and change my emotions.
In this case, I don’t think I was feeling a lot of sorrow or anger while I wrote the above post, but when I saw Jon and Kate’s family, it reminded me of the yearning for a stable, loving family with lots of brothers and sisters around who I would probably still know when I grew up. I didn’t have that and when I see a dad pick up a little kid it does still tug at my heart. I wish I had know what that is like.
Maybe some day my life will be so full of joy and happiness that I won’t yearn for that at all. However, I suspect that what will really happen is that there will be little moments of sorrow and anger about my childhood my whole life.
I suspect that it will be much like grief for losing a person is. First it hurts so bad you don’t think you can stand it. Then it fades. Then, maybe at significant moments, you are reminded of the person and you miss them all over again, but it doesn’t happen as often or as intensely. And it doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy life. But there is a sad reality that you wish you could change. You can’t, and you don’t focus on that, you focus on your life, and most of the time you don’t think about it. But, if you are feeling sad about what you’ve lost, I think it’s ok to say it.
And lastly, when I grew up, I had to lie about how awful my home life was. A freedom that I cherish as an adult is that I get to be honest when I want to now.
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